Check out some similar questions!

Stephanie99 · Sep 9, 2007, 12:22 PM

My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me a week ago. Our relationship was a very happy one, with the exception of a long standing problem with his ex. Basically, I couldn't let go of little things from his past (she was the love of his life before me) and I let my insecurities cause argument after argument. This mainly came from things I heard about her and their relationship from other people. However, other than these problems we have has some amazing and wonderful times together, and we were very much in love. I was honestly expecting us to be together for the foreseeable future, and was completely in shock when he ended things. He broke up with me after a minor row, first saying that he was tired of having to try so hard to keep us happy, and of his ex being a constant issue. And now this has developed into him wanting to "live his life on his own and see if he is strong enough to make himself happy". He has a lot of issues on his mind at the moment, including family and his future, and a week ago made it sound as though he was going to use some time alone to sort out his life, and that it included reconsidering us, that he wasn't done making his decision. However, due to my constant pushing for reassurance that he would come back (I know, I know), he is now saying that he simply doesn't want to come back.This is because he doesn't believe that our problems about his past would be over with. This whole thing has made me realise what an idiot I have been for letting insignificant things take over a relationship, and I know in my heart that given another chance, I would not push him away like I did before. I don't know what to do to convince him that I would not let our relationship become hard work again, which is what he is afraid of. He says he still loves me, and admits to other people that I have given him the happiest years of his life, and that he knows he was lucky to have the relationship we had. But from talking to him, it is also clear that he is depressed with his life as a whole. In a way I understand what he is doing, trying to stand on his own two feet and take responsibility for his own life, but don't understand why he can't come back to me at the end of all this, and make a fresh start of that too. I love him so much, and although I have questioned whether it is simply a need to be loved, I have realised how lucky I was to have this fantastic person in my life. We had the most amazing fun and the things he has said to me, not even too long ago, suggested he felt exactly the same way. Is it time he needs to sort his head out? Is there anything I can do to encourage him to remember that the good times far outweighed the bad? I want to start to rebuild my life without him, and let go, but finding it impossible to accept the idea that our relationship is over for good, for the simple fact that I can't see a good enough reason to end something to special. I feel as though he is using this argument and our break up to kick start a new phase of his life, but I honestly believe (and not for selfish reasons) that I can make him as happy as I did. What didn't help either is that a few months ago my dad nearly died, and I pushed away from my boyfriend at the time. He mistook that for us drifting apart, and although I have explained this to him, he said it doesn't change the fact that he just doesn't want to try and make it work anymore, although he doesn't think he will ever love anyone the way he loved me. Is he just saying this because his head is all over the place and he doesn't know what he wants? Or has he already made his permanent decision?

chuff · Sep 9, 2007, 05:50 PM

Well I can't say for sure where his head is at but now your focus must be on where your head is at. Now you must put this all behind you and start to focus on yourself and your goals, ignoring any goals the two of you may have had. Your head needs the direction for yourself not playing "what if" games.

confused-a-lot · Sep 9, 2007, 07:44 PM

I know exactly how you feel, this is a very similar situation to what I am going through.
Only 2 days ago my girlfriend dumped me because she couldn't handle the relationship any more. That all we seemed to do was argue. We argued without finding resolution, so the next time we saw each other it resurfaced. We have been going in circles for some time.
I too feel that things could change, this has gone too far and it has been a big wake up call. However, perhaps I have pushed her too far.

I'm not suggesting you do the same, but I contacted her and asked her if she would be OK with talking to me in person. She agreed and for the first time in a while we had a civil conversation about the problems we have been having. And we actually sorted a lot of it out. She explained to me that she loves me and she didn't want to end things, though she doesn't want to be in a relationship like that. She was more unhappy than she was happy. And she can't put herself back into a relationship like that. There was silence for a while, she asked me what I was thinking, then I talked about the good times we have had, the funny things we've done and life moments we've shared. She said she wants that again and smiled. She asked if I would give her time to heal. I said she doesn't need to ask me for that, and reminded her she was single (basically saying I'm sinlge as well). We then talked about a lot of other things not related to the relationship, our friends, lives for the past few days, we laughed and were having a good time. Then she had to go. She said she would speak to me soon, and wanted a hug. I gave her that hug.

I feel a lot better after that. Not in a sense that she might come back, but after 3 years of being together, we ended on a high. If that's the last time I see her, I'll know she loved me and I loved her and there was no anger between us. We were smiling.

As for me, I'm looking out for myself. Not waiting, not contacting her. She dumped me.

Ash123 · Sep 9, 2007, 07:46 PM

Start here: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

mckenzie134 · Sep 9, 2007, 10:49 PM

Do nothing don't contact. Let him miss you I'm sure he will. If he does he will realise you sre the one and you can make a decision of where you go from there. Any contact will only push him further away from you. If he contacts you don't answer he has told you he doesn't want to be with yiou he will try anjd string you along and give you false hope. Please don't allow this move on or at least show you are moving on. Then he may realise he has a good thing. You must let one go who is unsure for them to realise what they have got. Only when you lose something do you ralise how valuable it is to you...

rol · Sep 10, 2007, 04:53 AM

Why did he break up with his ex, what was the issue there?

You need to move on and focus on yourself as the others have said.

No contact of any kind. You do not want mixed signals now.

It will be the hardest thing to do.. but please do it... I was in a similar situation last year so I know how hard it is when it comes out of the blue like this.
I was strung along for about 6 months after the breakup and it was very hurtful.

Try and accept it is over , that would be a good starting point. Don't stay stuck in denial.

Stephanie99 · Sep 10, 2007, 06:04 AM

She messed him around, broke his heart and left him for someone else. She controlled him. It took a lot for him to get over her but they haven't had contact since all of our problems over her came to a head last year, and he doesn't want any. He looks back and feels like a mug for the way he was treated (first love though). There has been a development in the fact that he said to a mutual friend that he loves me very much, but needs to sort his life out, and would probably consider a new start for us if some time passes and he still feels the same way about me, after living his life on his own. Whether this refers to him being happy or unhappy in that life of his I don't know? I'd like to think that even if he was happy in his new life he would consider trying again because what we had was very happy and special.

rol · Sep 10, 2007, 06:28 AM

<that he loves me very much, but needs to sort his life out, and would probably consider a new start for us if some time passes and he still feels the same way about me, after living his life on his own.>

Has he even taken your feelings into consideration or that it would be what you want?

For now you need to heal from all this, don't wait around for him, get on with your life. Focus on you. Stop talking to mutual friends, don't let him know anything about you.
No contact.

talaniman · Sep 10, 2007, 07:01 AM

For whatever reasons, he has left and that is what you must accept. He has told you honestly, he wanted this break up, so give him what he wants, and cease all contact, and efforts to work things out, and realize you must move on with your own life, and happiness without him. Anything else will cause more confusion, and misery on your part and leave you in limbo.

Stephanie99 · Sep 10, 2007, 10:17 AM

Rol, I see what you are saying. I think the reason he said that was because I made it very clear that I would be wanting to give it another go... he doesn't expect me to wait for him, and in fact has told me not to, saying that he doesn't definitely know for sure that this is the end for us but he doesn't want me to wait because he might end up breaking my heart even more. Thank you all for your input, I am trying to cut contact with him. Our mutual friends are friends we both had before we were together and I am keeping in touch with them and seeing them in a group capacity simply for something to do until I go back to uni and can be among my own friends for support.