[Hardbody12]

Here's my dilemma, I've read several similar to mine on here and thought I would share mine and see if I could get some help. I met my now fiancé whenever she was 16 almost 17 and I was 20, at first friends we became boyfriend/girlfriend, she told me about her sexual past in the beginning before we ever started dating but at the time it didn't bother me being that I never knew that I would fall in love with this person well we have been together now for 3 years and have been engaged for a month, about a month or so prior to me proposing her sexual past started racking my brain, in the beginning it would come and go but now I think about it everyday. I thought maybe it was just me being nervous about the engagement but since then these feelings still remain. Im no saint by any means and have actually been with 3 times more partners than she, her number is 5 and trust me I know this is very hypocritical. I would expect 5 partners from maybe an 18 year old but I think 5 at 16 is a little high. She told me that she lost her virginity when she was 14 almost 15 and had 3 boyfriends that never lasted over 2-3 months and in between those boyfriends she had 2 'hook ups". I love this girl very much and I know that she would never cheat or do anything to betray me. She told me I'm her first love and that she regrets the hook ups and she wished she could take them back.. The boyfriends I'm actually OK with because I know girls are going to have boyfriends in high school. Help guys these feelings rip at me everyday and I want to move on from this and focus on our future together

[KHA]

First of all, DON'T tell her about these feelings unless your ready to accept what she feels in return, which will be devastation that you can be so hypocritical, and hurt that you haven't accepted that she is over her past flings that were BEFORE you came along. She will inevitably be hurt and angry and understandably so.

However, you obviously are fully aware of that fact and it doesn't help you get over it any better. So examine why it bothers you. Don't ignore it.

First: What feelings come up when you think about it? Hurt? Anger? Disgust? Fear? Or perhaps apprehension that you won't be enough for her your entire life since she has had this other experience, and now you have asked her to be your life long mate?

Second: What is the emotion that comes ABOUT? What are you hurt about? Or fearful for or disgusted at?

Third: Can you forgive her for it?

And then once you've forgiven her in YOUR mind, and have some perspective, go and ask her to forgive you for being such a big freaking jack ***.

If you can't do all that, then you had probably find some other girl who hasn't had sex before, I'm guessing. Some guys just have hang ups like that, usually stemming from some reason or other, like a dad or someone they respected when they were little, telling them that virgins were best for marriage or something.

[Hardbody12]

First of all, DON'T tell her about these feelings unless your ready to accept what she feels in return, which will be devastation that you can be so hypocritical, and hurt that you haven't accepted that she is over her past flings that were BEFORE you came along. She will inevitably be hurt and angry and understandably so.

However, you obviously are fully aware of that fact and it doesn't help you get over it any better. So examine why it bothers you. Don't ignore it.

First: What feelings come up when you think about it? Hurt? Anger? Disgust? Fear? or perhaps apprehension that you won't be enough for her your entire life since she has had this other experience, and now you have asked her to be your life long mate?

Second: What is the emotion that comes ABOUT? what are you hurt about? or fearful for or disgusted at?

Third: Can you forgive her for it?

And then once you've forgiven her in YOUR mind, and have some perspective, go and ask her to forgive you for being such a big freaking jack ***.

If you can't do all that, then you had probably find some other girl who hasn't had sex before, I'm guessing. Some guys just have hang ups like that, usually stemming from some reason or other, like a dad or someone they respected when they were little, telling them that virgins were best for marriage or something.

I thank you for the reply. First; the feeling I get is disgust that she would give herself so freely. Second; the emotion I get is also disgust for the same reason stated above. I have always been a very prideful guy,probably overly prideful and I know that's not a good thing. I guess my problem is that for a long time I looked at hooking up with girls as a accomplishment and now that I've found the girl that I want to be with it pains me to think she was another mans, well not man, teenage boys accomplishment. I feel like her giving herself away degrades her.

[Homegirl 50]

The first thing you need to do is break up with her and don't marry her.
These feeling of yours are your problem but believe me after a while you will make them hers. They will affect the way you relate to her and that is not fair or right.
She is OK for you to date and have sex with but not good enough for you to marry. This is really the truth of it, and she deserves better.

[JudyKayTee]

I thank you for the reply. First; the feeling i get is disgust that she would give herself so freely. Second; the emotion I get is also disgust for the same reason stated above. I have always been a very prideful guy,probably overly prideful and I know that's not a good thing. I guess my problem is that for a long time I looked at hooking up with girls as a accomplishment and now that I've found the girl that I want to be with it pains me to think she was another mans, well not man, teenage boys accomplishment. I feel like her giving herself away degrades her.

And I think the way you look at her, hold her up to standards which you yourself cannot meet, makes you a hypocrite and a jerk.

Why is your promiscuity an accomplishment but her history makes her disgusting?

You're a "prideful guy?" What does that mean? Virgins are the only people who meet your standards?

How do you suppose the men who are now in relationships with your "accomplishments" feel about you?

This woman is too good for you.

[Hardbody12]

And I think the way you look at her, hold her up to standards which you yourself cannot meet, makes you a hypocrite and a jerk.

Why is your promiscuity an accomplishment but her history makes her disgusting?

You're a "prideful guy?" What does that mean? Virgins are the only people who meet your standards?

How do you suppose the men who are now in relationships with your "accomplishments" feel about you?

This woman is too good for you.

Thank you both for your time in responding. I know that my outlook and perception is flawed at best. I came on here seeking answers and from what you guys have told me it really helps bring things into perspective. I need to get my Sh** together and treat this young lady the way she deserves to be treated. Breaking up with her isn't an option for me. This girl loves me with every part of her and I just need to return that to her and stop making excues to why she doesn't deserve my full affection.

[JudyKayTee]

Thank you both for your time in responding. I know that my outlook and perception is flawed at best. I came on here seeking answers and from what you guys have told me it really helps bring things into perspective. I need to get my Sh** together and treat this young lady the way she deserves to be treated. Breaking up with her isnt an option for me. This girl loves me with every part of her and i just need to return that to her and stop making excues to why she doesnt deserve my full affection.

From what you've posted I do not believe you can shut off the feelings that she is somehow flawed (and you are not). First argument you'll be throwing her history in her face.

The fact that she loves you "with every part of her" does not mean the relationship is meant to be. I'd be more impressed if YOU loved HER with every part of your being... and so forth.

I see you as critical and judgmental and without some form of professional intervention I don't see that changing.

And you didn't answer why sleeping around is an accomplishment for you but having more than one partner makes her a person with no or loose morals? Why is that?

[Hardbody12]

From what you've posted I do not believe you can shut off the feelings that she is somehow flawed (and you are not). First argument you'll be throwing her history in her face.

The fact that she loves you "with every part of her" does not mean the relationship is meant to be.

I see you as critical and judgmental and without some form of professional intervention I don't see that changing.

And you didn't answer why sleeping around is an accomplishment for you but having more than one partner makes her a person with no or loose morals? Why is that?

Well at the age of 16 I didn't have 5 partners, like I stated before I thought that was a little young for that many partners. And right about a month before the engagement I did seek the help of a counselor but only one visit for an hour, never followed up. I guess the reason I feel that its OK for me to have had several partners is because I'm older and I'm a guy, it's more expected of men. And what u said has already came true about us arguing and me throwing it in her face. I guess it has ALWAYS been an underlying issue but I never dwelled on it until I thought she was someone I would want to marry.

[JudyKayTee]

Well at the age of 16 I didn't have 5 partners, like I stated before I thought that was a little young for that many partners. And right about a month before the engagement I did seek the help of a counselor but only one visit for an hour, never followed up. I guess the reason I feel that its ok for me to have had several partners is because I'm older and I'm a guy, it's more expected of men. And what u said has already came true about us arguing and me throwing it in her face. I guess it has ALWAYS been an underlying issue but i never dwelled on it until I thought she was someone I would want to marry.

I don't know if you are going out of your way to be offensive or are simply dense when it comes to male/female relationships.

At the age of 16 you didn't have 5 partners. I don't know that you are the person who gets to set the standards. Yes, I think it's a high number. Would I judge someone on it or worry about things in a person's background I cannot change? No.

But here's the clincher: "I guess the reason I feel that its ok for me to have had several partners is because I'm older and I'm a guy, it's more expected of men." Just so I have this straight - older men are expected to have more partners than, supposedly, younger females?

You couldn't be more sexist if you tried!

Yes, I'd suggest more counselling - a lot more counselling, in fact - but I still think now that I've learned that you've thrown her sexual history in her face before that you should move on and find someone who meets your standards.

I just wonder what the boyfriends/husbands of the girls/women you were having sex with think about your expected behavior where the people they love are concerned.

[smoothy]

Personally I think you have a lot of growing up to do before you manage to knock one of your unfortunate partners up.

As a guy I see some serious problems with the attitude you have of its OK if I do it... but she's a slut if she does it.

Ever hear the term, "birds of a feather"?

Any girl or woman that's worth anything would be running away from you... and trust me... I'm 50, I've seen lots of guys like you and any decent girl they ever dated got wise and left... (some AFTER a few years of marriage).and the guys end up married to someone of the same moral level they are... most of them fat... with bad attitudes too, think the stereo typical Old woman bartender that chain smokes and has a gravely voice with all the grace of a truck driver with hemeroids..

By the time some of these guys wised up all the better women found the better guys...


The real problem here is one that you haven't "GOT" yet.

Ever hear the quote... "The pot calling the Kettle black"? Well Mr.Kettle, meet Miss Pot.

However its still not to late if you see the problem ant take it to heart... and work on changing it.

[JudyKayTee]

I always find it amusing that "men" (and I don't really think men think like the OP, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt) think in these terms.

He probably hunted virgins, that's usually the pattern, but HE wants a virgin.

Seems like those two ways of thinking are in conflict.

[Hardbody12]

I don't know if you are going out of your way to be offensive or are simply dense when it comes to male/female relationships.

At the age of 16 you didn't have 5 partners. I don't know that you are the person who gets to set the standards. Yes, I think it's a high number. Would I judge someone on it or worry about things in a person's background I cannot change? No.

But here's the clincher: "I guess the reason I feel that its ok for me to have had several partners is because I'm older and I'm a guy, it's more expected of men." Just so I have this straight - older men are expected to have more partners than, supposedly, younger females?

You couldn't be more sexist if you tried!

Yes, I'd suggest more counselling - a lot more counselling, in fact - but I still think now that I've learned that you've thrown her sexual history in her face before that you should move on and find someone who meets your standards.

I just wonder what the boyfriends/husbands of the girls/women you were having sex with think about your expected behavior where the people they love are concerned.

Im definitely not trying to come off as offensive, I'm just trying to be truthful with how I perceive things, and it comes off as offensive I'm sorry for that. I realize that this is a problem and that's why I took the time to come here for help. If professional help is what I need to realize that my point of view is a double standard then that's what I'll get. And this girl is my whole world, she's only second reall girlfriend I've ever had and my first girlfriend I dated 2 years and I was her first. I don't want us to break up and that's why I'm here, I want to get my head straight and move forward with her. Were engaged to be married, so just breaking it off isn't that easy.

[JudyKayTee]

Im definitely not trying to come off as offensive, I'm just trying to be truthful with how I perceive things, and it comes off as offensive im sorry for that. I realize that this is a problem and that's why I took the time to come here for help. If professional help is what I need to realize that my point of view is a double standard then that's what I'll get. And this girl is my whole world, shes only second reall gf ive ever had and my first gf I dated 2 years and I was her first. I don't want us to break up and that's why I'm here, I want to get my head straight and move forward with her. Were engaged to be married, so just breaking it off isn't that easy.

Trust me - marrying the wrong person and then breaking off the marriage is a LOT harder.

So, yes, go for counselling. I wish you well.

I somewhat understand you. I don't understand her - at all.

[Hardbody12]

Trust me - marrying the wrong person and then breaking off the marriage is a LOT harder.

So, yes, go for counselling. I wish you well.

I somewhat understand you. I don't understand her - at all.

She's a wonderful person, I mean the best of the best, she's kind,caring,has a good heart, and she practically worships the ground I walk on. I do feel bad about harboring these negative feeling about her because I do know she deserves my best. Circumstances in her life lead her to grow up faster than others. Her dad is deaf and her mother and father split up when she was 15 and her mother moved off leaving her to live with her dad who wasn't fully capable of dealing with a teenage girl.

[JudyKayTee]

She's a wonderful person, I mean the best of the best, she's kind,caring,has a good heart, and she practically worships the ground I walk on. I do feel bad about harboring these negative feeling about her because I do know she deserves my best. Circumstances in her life lead her to grow up faster than others. Her dad is deaf and her mother and father split up when she was 15 and her mother moved off leaving her to live with her dad who wasn't fully capable of dealing with a teenage girl.

I know it looks like I'm jumping on you BUT you are looking for a woman who worships the ground you walk on? Maybe a problem is that you don't want an equal relationship.

I know you are older and she is younger. How older and how younger?

[Hardbody12]

I know it looks like i'm jumping on you BUT you are looking for a woman who worships the ground you walk on? Maybe a problem is that you don't want an equal relationship.

I know you are older and she is younger. How older and how younger?

It does a little but I probably deserve it lol. She's now 19 and I'm almost 25. We met when she was 16. Im not looking for someone that worships the ground I walk I was just trying to explain how much she loves me and I love her very much to.

[JudyKayTee]

It does a little but I probably deserve it lol. She's now 19 and I'm almost 25. We met when she was 16. Im not looking for someone that worships the ground I walk I was just trying to explain how much she loves me and I love her very much to.

No problem - I honestly thought she was 18 and you were 40-ish. That's not a big age difference. She's not looking for a new Dad. Maybe her family background explains her "active" sex life at such a young age.

As long as you are clear about yourself, keep your "upset" (if that's a good word) about her past in check, I think this can work out.

In the beginning you sounded like a real jerk - as you've posted and answered questions I've realized you stated your feelings, unvarnished. That's a good thing.

Good luck.

[Hardbody12]

No problem - I honestly thought she was 18 and you were 40-ish. That's not a big age difference. She's not looking for a new Dad. Maybe her family background explains her "active" sex life at such a young age.

As long as you are clear about yourself, keep your "upset" (if that's a good word) about her past in check, I think this can work out.

In the beginning you sounded like a real jerk - as you've posted and answered questions I've realized you stated your feelings, unvarnished. That's a good thing.

Good luck.

Thank you for your time and your direct unfiltered advice. I hope this will get better and I posted this last night about 11 and since I've been getting responses today on here I've actually shifted my focus from her past to why it is I feel the way I do and how I can fix 'me'. Honestly where I'm from, I don't know if it's the culture or what but having sex at 15 is common. Like I said previously if she would have said that she had 3 boyfriends that didn't last but 2-3 months for whatever reason it wouldn't of bothered me but the hook ups are what bothered me. But like you and others have said. Mr. Pot meet Mrs. Kettle. I have faith this will get better and we can have a prosperous future!

[JudyKayTee]

Thank you for your time and your direct unfiltered advice. I hope this will get better and i posted this last night about 11 and since I've been getting responses today on here I've actually shifted my focus from her past to why it is I feel the way I do and how I can fix 'me'. Honestly where im from, I don't know if it's the culture or what but having sex at 15 is common. Like I said previously if she would of said that she had 3 boyfriends that didn't last but 2-3 months for whatever reason it wouldn't of bothered me but the hook ups are what bothered me. But like you and others have said. Mr. Pot meet Mrs. Kettle. I have faith this will get better and we can have a prosperous future!

Looking at yourself is tough. You've done it.

So now look forward instead of backwards.

[smoothy]

When you can see and recognize your own problems and shortcomings... those of other people don't seem as obvious, or as profound.

When you can do that... you are halfway there, and the rest of the way is the easy half of the trip.