[beckylynn21]

I am very upset and not quite sure how to handle this situation so I would like any input you all can give. Please don't be ugly.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years now but recently moved in together. Awhile ago he voluntarily told me he has no need for porn anymore because I satisfy his needs and he is more attracted to me that he has ever been to any girl in his life. Thing is I never expressed to him I didn't want him watching porn or even cared if he did he just decided to say those things to me. Of course I was flattered that was until a few weeks ago he told me to look up something on his phone.

When I went to the internet a porn page was up of course it hurt me that he lied but to spare an argument I ignored it. Then again last night I went to get on our computer and the history was porn site at 8 something in the morning. He apparently waits till I leave and watches porn. We have a great amazing sex life and have sex almost everyday if not multiple times a day.

The first time I saw it on his phone I waited a few days and said something joking about him watching porn and again he responded I told you I don't watch porn anymore I don't have any need to you satisfy me you are all I want. I am not hurt he is watching it but hurt that he is lying to me for no reason. If he is lying about this is there more? He is not the easiest person to talk to when it comes to conflict so I am not sure do I say something? Do I ignore he is lying? Please help... how do I handle this?

[Wondergirl]

Why do you have to "handle it"? If your sex life with him is great, why is his looking at porn a threat?

[beckylynn21]

The fact that he is watching it is not my issue. My issue is that he has lied to me on multiple occasions for no reason. I never told he I didn't agree with him watching porn or that I even cared. I can't have him lying to me... It bothers me a little that if I please him why would he need to look at porn 3 or 4 times a week but I would have never expressed that cause it's a man being a man but lying to me for no reason has made me feel like maybe I can't trust the things he says.

[Wondergirl]

He probably is afraid you'll give him heck if you know about the porn -- but then, maybe leaving the history open and undeleted is his way of letting you know he's looking at it.

If I were you, I would just carry on and make it a point not to set him up to lie. Of course, if the porn itself is an issue...

[beckylynn21]

Maybe but I honestly don't think it was on purpose on his phone I think he just forgot and the computer was because I was trying to look at my history to find something so I don't think he was clued in on it. But why lie in the first place?? Why would I be upset about it?? I have been to strip bars etc. Maybe he was just trying to make me feel good but either way he knows my pet peave is lying and he bold face lies to me for NO REASON! I am a firm beliver in the fact that those who have nothing to hide don't lie! I makes me very angry and he can read me like a book so no matter how much I try to let it go every time he lies or I see it it upsets me. I feel like I need to address it but if I do he will only try hiding it better or get angry with me. Like I said he doesn't do conflict well.

[Wondergirl]

So don't do conflict. Figure he's looking at porn and don't confront him about it or even get yourself worked up over it.

[mmresd]

If sex is good and he watches porn every now and then what is the problem. There is nothing wrong with him actually watching the porn to masturbate, that is completely normal male behavior. It is wrong to watch it, when he masturbates and the porn replaces you, but by the looks of it, the situation is nothing like that. I personally like to have sex multiple times a day when I am living with someone, and sometimes even when I am not, but still watch porn. Two completely separate things.

[beckylynn21]

I don't want to have a conflict but I am not the type who can just let it go when he lied to me. My trust in him is starting to be questioned and I pride myself in an open honest relationship. I don't want to confront him in a arguementive manner but I would like to talk about the lying. I guess I am looking for advice on how to approach it.

I think you are missing my point. Porn isn't the issue the lying to me is my issue. Why lie if you don't have to. Being deceptive about things you don't have to means there are other issues in a relationship.

[Wondergirl]

I'm wondering why you have to confront him. You are not his mother. Life is good with him, and unless he lies about all sorts of other things, why get yourself all tied up over this? Just don't set him up to lie.

[beckylynn21]

I am aware that I am not his mother but I also think I have the right to be told the truth. And he lied without me setting him up. That is my point exactly... if he lies about this there may be bigger issues I don't know about. I don't snoop so I wouldn't know.

[ITstudent2006]

What you have to understand is that some guys keep porn to themselves and feel a kind of shame in it. He can be perfectly happy with your sex life. You could be the best partner in the world... but what about when you're not there? What's a guy to do?

It sounds to me like he's a guy that just keeps that part to himself and you put him in a situation to lie when you made a joke knowing well what was already going on. Sometimes a lie is not really a lie. It's something personal that isn't meant for other peoe to know.

Let it go. Porn is porn. He happy with you right? He's sexually active with you right? As long as this isn't affecting either of these, I think you're over-reacting.

P.S. just a thought. Maybe you should watch some with him.

I want to explain in further detail a few thing I mentioned above.

"Sometimes a lie isn't really a lie."

You're a girl that masturbates, which is perfectly normal. I come up to you and ask you "hey, do you masturbate?" most will say no because it's personal. Did you lie to me?

"maybe you should watch it with him".

Being open to porn with him can have 2 benefits.
A) spice up your sex life even more.
B) allows him to be more open with porn as you are.

Just a little bit to chew on for you :)

[blndsundoll98]

Just tell the guy and show him what you found, maybe he is scared that you will be mad at him. But, the fact he is lying to you is not good! You need to confront about it.

[ITstudent2006]

Just tell the guy and show him what you found, maybe he is scared that you will be mad at him. But, the fact he is lying to you is not good! You need to confront about it.

I personally disagree. As stated in my two posts, some say he lied and others would say its personal.

A part of me thinks the OP is more mad at the porn than the lie. Some women feel porn is a mans way to fantasize about aspects the gf/wife can't fulfill or won't fulfill and feel betrayed or inferior to that of the Internet goddesses. This in itself is an insecurity, lack of communication and a whole different can of worms in a relationship.

[blndsundoll98]

I personally disagree. As stated in my two posts, some say he lied and others would say its personal.

A part of me thinks the OP is more mad at the porn than the lie. Some women feel porn is a mans way to fantasize about aspects the gf/wife can't fulfill or won't fulfill and feel betrayed or inferior to that of the Internet goddesses. This in itself is an insecurity, lack of communication and a whole different can of worms in a relationship.

Yes, but, in any relationship they should be 100% truthful. It is personal and he does not need to tell her, but, if she asks him he should tell her the truth instead of lie about it.

[ITstudent2006]

yes, but, in any relationship they should be 100% truthful. It is personal and he does not need to tell her, but, if she asks him he should tell her the truth instead of lie about it.

Again. I believe this comes down to individuality.

[beckylynn21]

Thank you both for your advice. You both made some really good points. Although, if he is trying to keep it personal and I should let it go then how would I ever bring it up or try watching it with him. And I can tell you that it may make me a little uncomfortable that he watches it but I would have never said anything about it had he not told me what he did and then when I knew he lied I guess I wanted to see if he would do it again. The root of my problem is the lying. In a relationship you shouldn't hide things and you should be able express how you feel about anything right? I am just so confused on why he would just come out and say I don't watch porn or need to because you give me everything I need, when I was not even talking about the subject. Can you explain why he would lie about something he never needed to bring up in the first place?

[Wondergirl]

I am just so confused on why he would just come out and say I don't watch porn or need to because you give me everything I need, when I was not even talking abt the subject. Can you explain why he would lie about something he never needed to bring up in the first place?

Maybe it was his "guilty" conscience talking. Like the little boy who tells his mom, "I didn't take any cookies off the table where they are cooling."

[talaniman]

You don't have to confront him, or make this a bigger deal than what it is as forget the porn for a minute and look at why people lie. Guilt, shame, or fear of consequenses or being judged, are but a few excuses people use. If his lying is nefarious, or selfish, then you would have a problem.

So I think you decide which of these would be his excuse and deal with the root cause of it, and not the behavior.

This will help you decide your best course of action because my feeling is he wants to talk, but doesn't know how, so forget confrontation. I think you simply tell him what you know, and see what he says and how he reacts. Trust me some sort of fear is behind his lie, and if its to spare your feelings then that should be considered.

Bet he had a past girl friend who was very insecure,or maybe he is himself,so an approach that is both firm direct, but non threatening would be my advice. But be careful as even though lying is your personal peeve, NOT the porn, maybe you talk and ask questions and find out if he is protecting YOU, or himself, or both.

The simple answer is to talk and get these things in the open to deal with them through honest communications, as this is but the first obstacle you as a young couple will have to face. So don't get carried away by the lying about porn until you have talked and know why.

LOL,that could take a while and involve MANY honest talks, so don't be in a hurry, or be impatient. It's a process, not a quick fix. The process of picking your battle, approach and the timing is a challenge.

[beckylynn21]

Thank you for your response. I think that's the best advice I have heard so far. How would you suggest bringing it up and what would you consider good timing?

[talaniman]

I would accept it as a personal thing and the next time HE mentioned it, I would tell him what YOU know, or leave his computer on a porn site from his history, let him find it, and see what he does about it.

No way do YOU get carried away and let this make you see LIES every where. Give his embarrassment, insecurity, guilt, or lack of communication skills the benefit of a doubt. Matter of fact you can start with your need for honest communications which you have already hinted at.

Keep your mind open, and pay attention, to be able to learn about your partner ,who may NOT verbalize his feelings, but communicates in other ways.