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bengraham7 · Aug 3, 2012, 11:44 AM

Ok so here it goes...

I have been dating this girl for 5 years come this March. I purposed to her on May 1st and she said yes. We have lived together for a good majority of our relationship and we have had a house together for 1yr! I however did screw up and had been lying to her. I had lied to her about going to college and graduating. I only did it because I was scared and didn't want to lose her and I have told her that. Her parents were curious and called the school and found out the truth and called me out on it. I told her that yes its true I didn't go and graduate.

She broke up with me completely and is having me move out. I love her and want to work things out so I am respecting her wishes and moving in with sister. But she just says she needs time and space. She says she needs me to get out. She said to that even if we did work things out that her family would never forgive me and family is a big part of life. This is only a week old that we have been broken up.

I am going to counseling and seems to help but I think she needs to go as well because she isn't giving me an answer if we are going to try and work things out or are we done done. I don't want the last time I see or hear from her when I move out :( I love her so much and know I messed up huge and just want another chance... do I not deserve a chance?

Please anyone give me some advice. I know every relationship is different but I just don't want to lose

talaniman · Aug 3, 2012, 01:26 PM

For now you have to face the fact that you have lost her due to your lying ways. Focus on regrouping and rebuilding without her, in case she does give you a second look, and you better look like you have worked hard to deserve it.

For now, you leave her alone and do better for yourself. Don't make a pest of yourself. They already hate you and anything you do for a while will make it worst. Don't make it worse as your fears and the way you handled it have already made this disaster bad enough.

bengraham7 · Aug 3, 2012, 01:46 PM

talaniman,

Thank you for your advice. I will be working on bettering myself and so when I move out you say to just leave her alone? Don't contact her at all? I fear that if I do that then I will never hear from her and she will move on because her family will tell her to do so because they are angry with me.
I feel like I will be backtracking in my life and am so lost without her. I know that I need to work on myself but I don't know exactly what I need to do... I guess I just need to do some thinking.

talaniman · Aug 3, 2012, 02:16 PM

Well guy you see where your fear led you before, and to allow it to lead you again makes no sense. Trust me, take a chance and do the right thing and build some dignity, and self respect.

monsieurjj · Aug 5, 2012, 07:30 PM

This looks good because you have the opportunity to be better, also it looks like you have a good chance of reconciliation

bengraham7 · Aug 6, 2012, 06:38 AM

Originally Posted by monsieurjj

this looks good because you have the opportunity to be better, also it looks like you have a good chance of reconciliation

Monsierjj,

What do you mean? I am having trouble finding any positive in this whole situation... :(

anillaK7 · Aug 6, 2012, 07:06 AM

The positive part of this situation is that she's smart enough to break up with you now, and not down the road. Otherwise, a few years and a spendy wedding later, she'll still have trust issues because she didn't give herself enough time to forgive you properly and rebuild it. The best thing you can do right now is pretty much everything she says. If you're cooperative, respectful, work on bettering yourself, and never give her a good reason to not trust you again, you might have a shot back in down the road.

bengraham7 · Aug 6, 2012, 07:22 AM

Originally Posted by anillaK7

The positive part of this situation is that she's smart enough to break up with you now, and not down the road. Otherwise, a few years and a spendy wedding later, she'll still have trust issues because she didn't give herself enough time to forgive you properly and rebuild it. The best thing you can do right now is pretty much everything she says. If you're cooperative, respectful, work on bettering yourself, and never give her a good reason to not trust you again, you might have a shot back in down the road.

OK, thanks and yes I know she needs to work on some things herself. She told me before I moved out this past weekend that she is going to go to counciling as well and ask about how to trust and learn to forgive and anger. Which I think will help her and potenially "us". I am giving her the space she wants and time. But what I am lost on is how long do I go without contacting her? I just don't want to miss out on the small gap of a window where she might be waiting for me to contact her. And if I don't then she will think I gave up on us. :( what do I do? This is killing me but I know it will help with the no contact... or at least that's what everyone says :(

anillaK7 · Aug 6, 2012, 08:40 AM

Letting her decide when to resume contact will help build some of the lost trust and it makes you look like a total gentleman. If you're concerned you're going to miss a "window", I don't see anything wrong with contacting her one last time to explain what you're doing and why. Something like - "[Her name], I care about you a lot and I want you to be in my life. I know you need some time and space, and I respect that. The only reason I am telling you this is I don't want you to misunderstand why I am not calling, emailing, or texting you. I hope when you're ready, you will get in touch with me."

bengraham7 · Aug 6, 2012, 09:00 AM

Originally Posted by anillaK7

Letting her decide when to resume contact will help build some of the lost trust and it makes you look like a total gentleman. If you're concerned you're going to miss a "window", I don't see anything with contacting her one last time to explain what you're doing and why. Something like - "[Her name], I care about you a lot and I want you to be in my life. I know you need some time and space, and I respect that. The only reason I am telling you this is I don't want you to misunderstand why I am not calling, emailing, or texting you. I hope when you're ready, you will get in touch with me."

Ok. I will work on that and I know this is going to be hard and I just hope doing so that she will think about giving and letting me in her life and another chance. I am willing to work things out and do what's necessary to get things back. I just hope she will feel the same way.

mmresd · Aug 6, 2012, 10:14 AM

That was a pretty big lie, especially because girls daydream about their future with their partner ALL the time... She has pictured a life and you have stole it from under her feet. I doubt that she will want to get back together, unless you actually graduated. It seems like you have more important things to pay attention to, such as actually attending school. Accept the break up, continue living your life, and move on... work on yourself and on your studies.

talaniman · Aug 6, 2012, 11:53 AM

Leave her alone until you can actually show more than lies because your words are not to be trusted. And why should they? If she contacts you, That's the window of opportunity, so you don't have to shove more words she won't believe at her.

If her parents called a school to check up on you once, what makes you think they won't check upon you again? Naw, leave her alone and handle your business or her parents will never let that window open. Your words and good intentions mean nothing, nada, zip!! All that matters now is actions, and that's all that can overcome past words and intentions that proved FALSE!

You are worried about the wrong thing here! I highly suggest you get busy, before her parents give her better OPTIONS!

bengraham7 · Aug 6, 2012, 12:25 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Leave her alone until you can actually show more than lies because your words are not to be trusted. And why should they? If she contacts you, THATS the window of opportunity, so you don't have to shove more words she won't believe at her.

If her parents called a school to check up on you once, what makes you think they won't check upon you again? Naw, leave her alone and handle your business or her parents will never let that window open. Your words and good intentions mean nothing, nada, zip!!! All that matters now is actions, and thats all that can overcome past words and intentions that proved FALSE!

You are worried about the wrong thing here! I highly suggest you get busy, before her parents give her better OPTIONS!

I have all intentions to leave her alone, which will be hard. I should tell you that we are both 24 and will be 25 in December. I feel like her parents shouldn't be so controlling. I know they were looking out for there daughter and all but still at 24 and whatever your parents say you do? I mean I am not saying to not listen to them at all but the key word is "LISTEN"... take what they say and make your own decision. Am I right? I know my word means nothing right now and I am working on doing things to better myself... before I left house we made goals and have copies of eachothers goals. One was for me to go counciling and I have been doing that. I am working on those goals but how will her or her parents know what I am doing to determine to give her a better option?? I could be doing all sorts of things to better myself and none of them would know...

talaniman · Aug 6, 2012, 01:08 PM

They found out you lied didn't they? You obviously underestimate both their abilities, or the lengths they will go to protect their daughter from a liar.

Like it or NOT, they have a huge influence over her also, and that's due in part to YOUR actions, so don't blame them for exposing YOU with a phone call.

YOU broke the bond of trust long ago my friend, and would have been exposed for what you were long ago had your ex decided to verify, before she trusted. You screwed up,not her parents and between me and you, you would have kept lying to keep your ex from knowing what you really are.

You have not even acknowledged her humiliation to her parents or the friends she repeated her lies too! And here you are faulting her parents for undue influence, and think that 5 years of lies should be forgiven, and forgotten immediately, so you can continue to have your own way, and get what you want.

sean1990 · Oct 3, 2012, 07:30 PM

Not sure what the other people on her have been smoking... Okay so it was a pretty big lie. People have lied about far worse and I honestly think that was a pretty ty reason for her to break up with you. It's obvious why you lied - if her parents will go that far to 'protect' their daughter they clearly place more emphasis on status than her actually being happy.

Source: 21 year old University graduate who would re-think my relationship with my parents if they put a girlfriend of mine through that kind of scrutiny