[chavela69]

I have been seeing a man for almost 6 months, it started as an FWB as I am currently separated and getting ready to divorce. I want to be completely divorced before starting a real relationship with anyone. I started the FWB out of utter lonliness and needing attention from a kind man, my ex to be is very abusive. Anyhow, my FWB would say things like he could fall in love, I'm a keeper and girlfriend material... He always sent me love songs and said sweet things. We are very compatible sexually and I thought emotionally.

He has been divorced for a year but now we spend a lot of time discussing his ex. He talks about her looks, she is very pretty, her size 6ness, and he sometimes shares stories about their past, some good ones. He supposedly hates her now, she ended the marriage. But, I can't help thinking he's comparing me to her. I'm a size 12 but I am considered pretty by most people but I am not high maintenance like she is. He says he's done with Barbie Dolls and wants a nice, down to earth woman. He sensed a while back that I was falling for him and he used to call me two or three times a day and there were many nights when we talked for 5 or 6 hours. He asked me if I was in love with him, when I lied and said no, he said he knew I was and pratically begged me to say it. He said he did too a few weeks later but since then he refuses to say it because he doesn't want to get hurt if for some reason I decide not to get the divorce and I reconcile.

He now talks about other women he finds hot, women he's been interested in and he has stopped calling, texting and sending the songs. He knows I fell in love with him, I wish I had kept it to myself now but doesn't it seem like he played with my heart and now is backing off? I don't hound him with calls, I don't crowd him, I am his friend but he turned this FWB into something more and even started talking about a future a long time ago! Now he says it'll be a years worth of work on me, weight loss, quit smoking, getting over my divorce, etc. before I am girlfriend material.

Finally, when I try to end it, he won't let me go, saying we are too close to end this now! What to make of this?

Also, he still calls but not near as much. He says he's got a lot of drama with his ex, the kids and potential custody issues so I know he has a lot on his plate. He has called me several times very upset about his fights with her over the kids. He called another time when he was drunk and crying because some girl he knows didn't say Hi to him at a bar he was at and he said he hated how women mistreated him... I was aghast but couldn't say much because we technically are not a couple. He did introduce me to his kids, his friends, and his parents and brothers know about me, just that we are casually dating, they saw my photo and thought I was beautiful.

[talaniman]

What do you expect from a FWB relationship when you are still married, about to be divorced, and he is freshly divorced for a year?

Nothing is written in stone and there are NO guarantees things will work out in the long run. So its crazy to get to serious about what a fellow says when its built on needy loneliness, and mutual physical satisfaction. And its only been 6 months??

You are simply way to carried away. He is too!

[chavela69]

I never intended to get this carried away, let alone fall in love of all things. It was meant to be just what it is... an FWB but, he kept wanting to talk everyday, send 10-15 love songs a night, he has invited me out on the town, sang to me in public... now he's pulling this? Yes, we are both carried away but why won't he just let this go? I think its best to stop before one or both of us gets really hurt.

[talaniman]

He may have led, but you followed and can stop following whenever you so choose. If you want to, so I can only conclude you want to. Seems his actions are not the question, but your own, as you could have set rules and boundaries yourself, and enforced them.

Not too late.

[chavela69]

In my opinion, both of our actions are in question. I'm guessing you are a man. It always seems that men always point the finger at the woman when something goes awry, never taking blame for their part in anything. I would like to hear from a woman on this please!

[Homegirl 50]

Now he says it'll be a years worth of work on me, weight loss, quit smoking, getting over my divorce, etc. before I am girlfriend material.


Him saying this to me would have sealed the deal. He would be gone, yesterday.
The guy has issues. No matter how the relationship started, it needs to end. Tell him you're done. Mean it and be done with it. Do NC. No phone calls no text, no nothing.

[talaniman]

I am not blaming just YOU, just assigning EQUAL responsibility. You can only control YOUR part in this, not his, and that's where your solution lies. Set your own boundaries and rules and stick to them.

If you don't like him serenading you in public, tell him. Are you both afraid of losing the benefits you can't communicate effectively? Or do you both have love and sex mixed up? You wouldn't be the first, after so short a time knowing each other.

[chavela69]

Homegirl,

That did sour things when he said that and I first thought was to end it. I haven't initiated contact since then... Although normally he is wonderful, fun to talk to and we can talk about anything... he got way to comfortable... he even criticized my clothes and said he wants the girl that all the guys want, that turns heads...

[Homegirl 50]

Whether he is playing games or not is immaterial. He is obnoxious. Leave him alone.

[chavela69]

Talaniman,

He is more afraid of losing the benefits than I am! I was afraid of losing what could be love but, I have tried to end this three times. In hindsight, I should have left him alone a long time ago since there were red flags that he wanted to change me before really letting himself fall. Things I need to do before he considered me a "catch". I am all about getting dressed up, looking sexy, etc. But only on my own terms. As for the public singing, I loved it, ate it up... he has done a lot of nice things and been a shoulder to cry on but I am beginning to think he is manipulative and withholding feelings until I look they way he wants, conditional love...

[chavela69]

What does it mean when a man says he wants the girl that all the other guys want, a show stopper... doesn't that sound like major insecurity??

[Homegirl 50]

What does it mean when a man says he wants the girl that all the other guys want, a show stopper....doesn't that sound like major insecurity???

Yep! It would tell me he has issues and if he said it to me, I'd tell him "have at it" and I'd be gone.

[chavela69]

Men are just plain weird... half of them are psycho!

[Homegirl 50]

Men are just plain weird...half of them are psycho!

I would not agree with that, but there are some weird ones out there. Weird and psycho women too.

[chavela69]

True! That was an exaggerated statement and yes, women can be just as bad!

[chavela69]

Another thing I forgot to mention is he is the one who pushed for me to reveal that I was in love with him, when I didn't want to take it there... it was true but I wanted to hold off until getting divorced. He said it too but then after that one time he said he did not want to screw both of our worlds up by going there. He told me I could be the one and not know it yet, he called everyday almost, introduced me to his kids, his friends. Told his parents and brother a little bit about me. He was discussing a future some too. I tried to go NC but its hard. We had a disagreement, a blow up 2 weeks ago and now he'll barely talk to me. I am so hurt and don't understand why he'd want me to love him when it sounds like he's unsure. I kept saying that we needed a break, but then he said I was being insecure and let time take its course until we both met the right person...

[Enigma1999]

He is playing with you.

I have read all that you said, and I believe that NOTHING good will come from this.

I know it's hard NOW, but this too shall pass.