[bigNavySeal]

Two days ago my GF (32) and me (27) broke up after 2.5 years together, mutually, but mainly because I am not sure about us. She had indicated consistently she wants to marry me, yet I was scared to commit to her, worrying and not having the confidence that we would have a happy future together, e.g. get pass struggles that lay ahead. I don't understand why I can't think like her. On the other hand I want to be with her, and feel we have shared so much and have overcome a lot of challenges and obstacles, and when I picture all our good moments and memories I get confidence.

We lived together for 1.5 years at my place, and over the course of the coming weeks she will come and pick up her stuff.

Even though I was the 'main decider' for the breakup, I'm utterly devastated and feel I'm seriously spiraling into depression. Yesterday, I have had some significant solace from friends and family, but last night was really really rough. During the night I kept having conflicting thoughts: once "I miss you really really much, please come home" and then I try to tell myself "it's better like this, It just wasn't going to work". Then I suddenly felt utterly scared, left alone and helpless in the dark, etc. My rashes started getting worse and I just felt like my life is lost. I felt on the bed, just to see if she was there while knowing she isn't...

I'm trying to tell myself that it's the right thing I did, but boy am I getting scared. When I wake up I don't want to wake up and face the day, now at work I cannot get my mind off this, and I'm not looking forward going home facing the night...

We had temporary break-ups before, then she would stay with her friend for a couple of days, and we both got incredibly depressed again and I asked her to come home after a couple of days which she then did...

I really have the urge to call her, to tell her how I am feeling, to know what she is feeling and thinking, and I'm trying to get glimpses to find out what really I am feeling for her.

Do I have too much self-pity, is what I am feeling guilt, am I a selfish bastard, who can't stand on his own two feet? I am worried I have mental issues and cling to things (e.g. a relationship) but for the wrong reasons. Is this normal, and more importantly what should I do? I'm scared she won't take me back anymore, that she hates me, and just... scared for the future and life, losing its value and happiness...

Sorry for the incoherent rambling but I needed to get it off my chest...

Please your help!

[bigNavySeal]

What is real love? – Serious question

A lot of people say they just ‘know it’. I (27) have never felt that yet. Is it possible for men, or any human being for that matter, to close their heart for someone while it is very possible to open their heart to them, but he just doesn’t realise, is scared or doesn’t know how to do it?

My girlfriend (32) of 2.5 years, with whom I just decided to break up with, because I didn’t see us getting married, e.g. I was scared to commit to, is now only constantly on my mind. We were/are very intimate and live together for 2 years. She firmly wanted to marry me.

Regarding love, I had 1 short fling in the past, only at an older age around 21+, because I have been shy and generally had low self-esteem, and was much of a ‘seeker’ in life. I felt a lot for her in a very short period, but that could’ve been infatuation. With my current girlfriend, she initiated the first contact, and ‘pushed’ our relationship further. You could say I was enjoying her company, but was reluctant to love her. Probably all the wrong reasons to move in together…

Now that we’re apart for a while, 4 days so far, I have a very hard time to cope, a lot of thoughts are running through my mind and I feel I do not want to lose her, I can’t bear thinking about losing her. I am now really trying to sort out, if I do, in fact love her.

I barely cry, actually never, which I know is unhealthy, but it shows my fears of societies judgement of showing weakness. With the recent break-up however I have managed to cry quite a bit over her ‘loss’.

I’m looking at photo’s of her now, in a way I never looked at them before with a sincere loving and ‘non-negative’ perspective. Please any feedback from qualified people in a possible explanation of my feelings. Am I kidding myself or is it very well possible that I am afraid to open my heart, and when I manage to do so I can pour it out and give my heart/life to her?

[Huggybearza]

Hate to see you feel this way but the best thing you can do right now is understand she has made a choice not to be with you and a lot of the reason why you feel so distort is because for the last couple of years you shared your life with a person and now you need to adjust to not sharing your time with that person.

Only tip I can give you:
1. Focus on yourself, do stuff that you never did while in a relationship
2. Be strong, walk with pride... keep your head high and show her that you can continue without her
3. No Contact, only once you have healed and can see her as another person... should you see each other or talk ( unfortunately it might help or it may not but you got to try this )

In any non-mutual breakup, the breakee always suffers the hardest. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, I'm currently going through something very similar and I find it tough to do what I said.

As for true love, I know people can "love" someone and be "in-love" with someone... I'm sure she loves you but is not "in-love" with you and you need to understand that.

It is undoubtedly the worst place to be, you've lost something now... which perhaps you thought you wouldn't, you need to get a grip on things and move on... so stupid to say but let your inner fire grow again and let people around you see that... be something great, we are all great and you will find the love you need again.

Keep well, I'm sorry once again for you

[bigNavySeal]

Thanks huggybearza for your response, however if you read carefully I am the one who decided to break up with her as I was scared of the commitment of marriage. She indicated she wanted to get married various times.

[mearbhall]

Philosophers have been debating that question for years; I doubt anybody here could answer it.

Frankly, I find the over-analysis of your thought process quite narcissistic. Either you want to be with her or you don't. You decided the latter and now perhaps you're missing her company/attention/who knows. Eitherway, don't be reckless with HER heart because you may or may not decide to experiment with opening your own.

[talaniman]

Seeing a doctor couldn't hurt, but I assure you that's its completely understandable to have those dark, confusing feelings after a long term relationship ends.

We all have a hard time coping with being ALONE, and maybe staying with a friend, or family for a few days, will help some of those alone feelings, and relieve the isolation. Night are rough, but it gets better if you don't fall into being sorry for yourself, and be busy, and active.

Most of us find something to focus on and get good at, as time flies when you are having fun, and getting a new routine down for ourselves. But for a while, it will certainly suck, and that's okay, we learn a lot from our misery about ourselves that will be very useful later. Of course for now you are just plain, discombobulated for a while.

Read the stickies here, and continue to share and care with others on this board. I mean you know you are among friends, and can vent,and rant to your hearts content. I know you have helped others here, so here is a chance to get some back.

What is real love? - Serious question

I'm looking at photo's of her now, in a way I never looked at them before with a sincere loving and 'non-negative' perspective. Please any feedback from qualified people in a possible explanation of my feelings. Am I kidding myself or is it very well possible that I am afraid to open my heart, and when I manage to do so I can pour it out and give my heart/life to her?

Dude,you have to stop the analyzing, and looking back and let the feeling work themselves out while you distract yourself for a bit. You can't find understanding by keeping confusion stirred up in yourself. Focusing on other things allows the truth behind your feelings to surface on there own, and be dealt with objectively, without all that other stuff getting in the way, like old pictures and blast memories from the past. Try it.

[bigNavySeal]

Mannnn, thanks so much for those answers and insights, talaniman. For a moment I was doubting myself and was worried I am narcissistic (based on Mearbhall's response), but I don't think so. Discombobulated! I learned a new word, you hit the nail on the head!

I already called my ex, she was fine, have hung out with friends nagging their heads off, and just plain chilling and sharing, played sports already.

Stop the over-analyzing! Thanks for the awesome feedback Talaniman, as always.