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paradise123 · Jul 2, 2012, 11:39 AM

My husband has oral sex with transvestites but insists he is not bi-sexual and that because he only does anything when they appear as women then he is completely heterosexual. I have tried to talk to him but he says I am being very offensive and he gets very angry and threatens me with violence.
I am not in any way predjudice to anyone's sexuallity but very confused.

Cat1864 · Jul 2, 2012, 03:11 PM

Originally Posted by paradise123

My husband has oral sex with transvestites but insists he is not bi-sexual and that because he only does anything when they appear as women then he is completely heterosexual. I have tried to talk to him but he says I am being very offensive and he gets very angry and threatens me with violence.
I am not in any way predjudice to anyone's sexuallity but very confused.

Two very big red flags are in this post and your husband's sexuality isn't one of them.

1. He is having sex with persons other than you while you are married. Regardless of whether the persons are male, female, or both, are you okay with this arrangement? Many people would consider it cheating and a reason to walk away. If you don't have an issue with him seeking sexual gratification outside the marriage then that is between you and him. If you do have a problem, then marriage counselors and probably lawyers need to be brought in.

2. He is behaving badly but turns it around on you and threatens you with violence. Has he hurt you in any way? If the answer is 'yes', leave and don't look back. If the answer is 'not yet', leave and work out the marital issues from a safe distance if you want to save the marriage.

It doesn't really matter what label he wants to put on his sexuality IF he wants to label it. Unfortunately, you can't put a label on it for him. What you can do is decide if you are willing to live with his behavior. In making that decision look at the people affected including yourself and especially any children. Is this a healthy relationship for you? If there are any children, is this a healthy household for them to grow up in and/or relationship for them to use a model for their own future relationships?

Good luck.

slapshot_oi · Jul 2, 2012, 03:14 PM

Originally Posted by paradise123

I am... very confused.

So are we. You don't seem to care that he's cheating on you.

Whether he considers himself bisexual or gay is really irrelevant, what he's actually doing is what matters.

Besides all this, he threatens to harm you. He sounds like a nutjob, divorce this lunatic.

deville p · Jul 2, 2012, 03:17 PM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

Two very big red flags are in this post and your husband's sexuality isn't one of them.

1. He is having sex with persons other than you while you are married. Regardless of whether the persons are male, female, or both, are you okay with this arrangement? Many people would consider it cheating and a reason to walk away. If you don't have an issue with him seeking sexual gratification outside the marriage then that is between you and him. If you do have a problem, then marriage counselors and probably lawyers need to be brought in.

2. He is behaving badly but turns it around on you and threatens you with violence. Has he hurt you in any way? If the answer is 'yes', leave and don't look back. If the answer is 'not yet', leave and work out the marital issues from a safe distance if you want to save the marriage.

It doesn't really matter what label he wants to put on his sexuality IF he wants to label it. Unfortunately, you can't put a label on it for him. What you can do is decide if you are willing to live with his behavior. In making that decision look at the people affected including yourself and especially any children. Is this a healthy relationship for you? If there are any children, is this a healthy household for them to grow up in and/or relationship for them to use a model for their own future relationships?

Good luck.

definitely not a normal situation !

WisperWill70 · Jul 2, 2012, 04:11 PM

Having sex with people outside marriage without caring what a partner thinks (and threatening violence when they discuss it) is an abusive relationship period.

I suggest you get counseling so you can help yourself find a way out of this situation and work on yourself -esteem so that you can find a relationship that is loving, healthy and supportive. This one isn't.

And for the record: hubby is having sex with males so technically he's a bisexual abuser. (not that it matters). Because hubby is cheating on you, you should have yourself tested for STDs/HIV in the process of leaving him.

smoothy · Jul 2, 2012, 04:33 PM

Originally Posted by paradise123

My husband has oral sex with transvestites but insists he is not bi-sexual and that because he only does anything when they appear as women then he is completely heterosexual. I have tried to talk to him but he says I am being very offensive and he gets very angry and threatens me with violence.
I am not in any way predjudice to anyone's sexuallity but very confused.

He's a liar... Transvestites are guys... dressed like women. A transvestite might be straight, but having sex with guy certainly means they aren't.

paradise123 · Jul 2, 2012, 04:38 PM

I care very much that he is cheating on me but being a mature woman I am scared of being on my own and starting all over again.
The honesty thing really bothers me and I don't understand why he gets aggressive towards me when I try to talk about it.
Thank you to the responses, it really helps knowing there are people that care.
Children are grown up and I don't think I could tell them what is happening.

paradise123 · Jul 3, 2012, 03:35 AM

I have decided to take everyone's advice and move on, I realise it will be hard but better than the place I am in now. Hopefully I should not need to post on here again but huge thanks to all the kind people who have taken the time to give me advice, I really appreciate it.xx

Cat1864 · Jul 3, 2012, 05:05 AM

Paradise, I hope that everything works out for the best for you.

You deserve a partner who is as committed to you as you are to him. I think once you take some time to heal and let go of any self doubts you will find that person (if you still want to.)

Remember that his issues are his own and have nothing to do with you. Try not to hold on to the negative thoughts and emotions that are probably trying to overwhelm you. Accept it as a life lesson and you learned more about what you will and won't accept in a partner.

It is your choice as to whether you come back or not. However, we are here to answer your questions and give what help we can any time you need it. We also invite you to explore the rest of AMHD (Ask Me Help Desk). We have a very wide range of topics that might interest you. Some people have found it helps to keep their thoughts from running around in circles by getting involved.

Good luck and may you find happiness wherever your path takes you.

Fr_Chuck · Jul 3, 2012, 05:45 AM

Most transvestites are not gay, most would never ever think about having sex with a man. I don't want others here to get the wrong idea what a transvestite is,

If a man wants to have sex with another man, regardless of how they dress, they are gay or bi.

But how gives a flip on what you call it, so he is not gay, he is still cheating that is the issue.
He should not be having sex with anyone else, unless you and he have agreed to some open relationship.

If he threatens violence leave him for that even if you are OK with him sleeping with others.

excon · Jul 3, 2012, 05:53 AM

Originally Posted by paradise123

My husband has oral sex with transvestites but insists he is not bi-sexual

Hello p:

Even if he's NOT gay, he IS a cheater.. That's cool with you, but being gay isn't?? Really??

excon

deepseadiver57 · Jul 3, 2012, 05:44 PM

BS... he's gay'er than a 3 dollar bill.