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ktlay12 · Jun 25, 2012, 06:31 PM

My boyfriend and I have been together for some time now (I'm 19 and he's 21). We have a wonderful relationship; never had any fights or even any major disagreements. The only really source of stress in our relationship stems from my boyfriends parents (mostly his mother). My boyfriend still lives at home, not by choice, but because his parents (who are both preachers) have made it virtually impossible for him to venture out on his own. He has operated his own very successful local business since he was 16, but they take every last penny he earns. They say they are helping him by protecting him from the world. But he is not even allowed to have a savings account, he cannot even save up enough to buy himself a vehicle of his own. To top that off, they say that we are not allowed to go on a date until after we are married (I know right!) We are not even allowed to be in the same room alone together for more than a couple minutes. All this is mostly his mother's doing; his stepfather doesn't agree with most of it but he can't say or do much without it turning into a huge fight between him and her.

Now it has gotten to the point where we are only allowed to talk or text for a couple hours a day, certain days a week, and possibly see each other once a week if we're supervised. She takes his phone from him so that he cannot communicate with me. He pays for his cell phone bill, as well as theirs and all of his siblings'. The thing is that although my boyfriend and I don't agree at all with their RADICAL beliefs, we decided to obey all their rules and be as respectful as possible. He only puts up with it out of respect for their wishes (even though he disagrees) and so things are not a living hell for him while he is forced to be there.

But it doesn't matter what we do, how respectful we are, the rules and restrictions just keep piling up. Its as if we are not even in a relationship anymore! I am wondering what you're opinion is on this situation and if you have any advice on how we could make things more reasonable for us while he is there. He is currently working on finding a new job far away and a vehicle so h can move out as soon as possible ( but it could take a while)

Alty · Jun 25, 2012, 06:36 PM

He's 21. They can't force him to live under their roof, they have no right to take the money he earns, and they have no right to dictate who he dates, or how often he sees that person.

He either stops complaining, or he becomes the adult that he is. If he has a successful business, and he's 21, then there's nothing keeping him under their control other than fear.

It's his choice, and he does have a choice. It's time for him to make the choice that's best for him. At the very least he should stop letting them take the money he earns. He should open up his own account, and see to it that all his future earnings go to that account. He should stop paying for their bills, and concentrate only on his own bills. Most of all, he should move out on his own, and get the money that they've taken from him that he rightfully earned.

This is really a no brainer.

ktlay12 · Jun 25, 2012, 09:06 PM

Thanks. You're right, the money thing really is the biggest issue right now. At this point they have pretty much taken over the business' income, even though he is the only one that keeps it going. If he really wanted to, he could take the business and run; but he has decided to just let them keep it, since they want that income so badly, and just find another job, one that offers them no oppurtunity to take control of his income. There are other, more complicated, reasons he's letting them keep the business that I won't go into. But once he finds another job he will be able to move out pretty quickly. The issue right now is dealing with the drama and control freak mother. Without it resulting in a blow up or him getting kicked out with NO money, no car and nowhere to go. Which is something they would do in a heartbeat if he does anything that they consider to be "disrespectful"... It's sad and pathetic, I know.

Wondergirl · Jun 25, 2012, 09:35 PM

Originally Posted by ktlay12

Without it resulting in a blow up or him getting kicked out with NO money, no car and nowhere to go. Which is something they would do in a heartbeat if he does anything that they consider to be "disrespectful" ....It's sad and pathetic, I know.

He can't avoid a blowup. It will happen as sure as God made little green apples. If he finally wants to claim adulthood, he needs to get out of that smothering situation. How does his mother get her hands on his money? Or does he willingly give it to her?

Do you have a job, a car, and can move at any time?

ktlay12 · Jun 25, 2012, 10:33 PM

I guess she started getting it because he was so young when he first started working (just 16 years old) And I guess she has just refused to give up control of it as he has gotten older. He really can't "not" give her the money; if he doesn't, she does have the ability to make things very ugly for him. I am currently a full-time student, living on campus 3 hours away from him. I do have a car. If I was able I would let him stay with me... but since it's University housing, that's not an option :/

Alty · Jun 26, 2012, 03:02 PM

This is a tough position, and no matter how you look at him getting out from her control, there's going to be a blowup.

If he needs money to move out, he's going to have to go against them and set up his own bank account, which will cause a blowup. If he demands that they give him the money he's earned, he may well have to take them to court to get it, which will cause a blowup. I don't see an easy way out of this that won't result in his parents freaking out.

I'm sorry that you're both in this position. When will you be finished school? Can he hold on until you're done?

One way around the money issue may be to ask his new employer (when he gets a new job), to write checks instead of a direct deposit situation. He can open up a bank account without his parents knowing, and deposit his checks in that account. Of course they'll likely wonder why he's working and not getting paid.

I hate telling anyone to lie, but it sounds like he's going to have to if he wants to save up so he can get out.

I wish you both the best of luck. You're going to need it. Hopefully times get better soon.

ktlay12 · Jun 26, 2012, 03:27 PM

I still have about a year and a half to two years left before I get my degree. I don't think he can afford to wait that long. I guess we'll just have to play it by ear until he does get that job. When he does break it to them that he has gotten a new job and bank account she will likely kick him out immediately, which is why he is looking for a high paying job so that he will be able to more quickly and easily afford to put a down payment on a car and apartment. It's certainly going to be very hard on him, but he has to secure a future for himself somehow and I guess you're right, there's no easy way to do that at this point. Lol. I'm not a parent yet, but I cannot fathom how a mother could put her own child in this situation and convince herself that it's OK! Lol

Wondergirl · Jun 26, 2012, 03:40 PM

Does he have the courage to confront his mother?

Alty · Jun 26, 2012, 03:46 PM

Originally Posted by ktlay12

I still have about a year and a half to two years left before I get my degree. I don't think he can afford to wait that long. I guess we'll just have to play it by ear until he does get that job. When he does break it to them that he has gotten a new job and bank account she will likely kick him out immediately, which is why he is looking for a high paying job so that he will be able to more quickly and easily afford to put a down payment on a car and apartment. It's certainly going to be very hard on him, but he has to secure a future for himself somehow and I guess you're right, there's no easy way to do that at this point. lol. I'm not a parent yet, but I cannot fathom how a mother could put her own child in this situation and convince herself that it's ok! lol

Does he have any friends he can stay with? That is another option, since he's likely to get kicked out as soon as he gets his first paycheck from the new job.

It would be short term, and I wouldn't suggest that he do it until he has a job secured, but it would be a solution to all of this, for a while at least.

ktlay12 · Jun 26, 2012, 04:05 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Does he have the courage to confront his mother?

He has confronted her in the past, but she's just one of those people who refuses to listen to reason. And if you try to tell her anything contrary to what she believes then... it gets ugly. Not only for him but for his younger siblings who he has practically raised. She has already told him that when she feels he is ready then she will allow him to start saving up... but it's been 5 years and it hasn't happened yet. Lol. She just finds reasons to keep stalling because she doesn't want him to have any independence

ktlay12 · Jun 26, 2012, 04:21 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

Does he have any friends he can stay with? That is another option, since he's likely to get kicked out as soon as he gets his first paycheck from the new job.

It would be short term, and I wouldn't suggest that he do it until he has a job secured, but it would be a solution to all of this, for a while at least.

There are a couple friends that he could stay with; he doesn't want to drag them into this except as a last resort, but it's an option that we have talked about. Honestly though, she has sheltered him so much his entie life that he has very few close friends. Because she makes it so hard for him to talk or associate with people other than those whom she has approved of, and those people aren't willing to go against her. He has essentially been deprived of having a life of his own in every respect. Sad, because he is a very outgoing and charismatic person by nature.

Alty · Jun 26, 2012, 04:41 PM

I'm so sorry for his situation.

It's good that he has someone that cares about him as much as you do.

He'll figure it out. It won't be easy, and he will have to stand up to his mother, but he has to cut the apron strings, get out of that house, and live his own life.

Keep your chin up. Hopefully things will go well. He'll get a job, and realize that his parents are controlling and he needs to get out from underneath their control.

You can only be supportive, and hope that he realizes that the situation he's in right now, is toxic.

I agree with you about his parents. I am a parent, to two wonderful kids, one only 5 years younger than you. I would never ever do that to my children. My hope for them is that they become independent, and that they make it in the world without relying on me. I will always support them, no matter what they do, but I will also support their independence, and do everything to ensure that they can be who they're meant to be, on their own.

Your bf's parents are abusive, in my opinion. I only hope that your boyfriend can get out, and make a life for himself, independent of those control freaks.

ktlay12 · Jun 26, 2012, 06:04 PM

Thank you. I think he does realize it, but he'll realize more after he gets out from there and gets to see how much more life has to offer, just how wrong what she is doing really is. Unfortunately she is doing the same thing to his younger brothers and sisters. He and I hope that him breaking the cycle will encourage them to do the same when they are older, so they don't have to go through what he has.

Thanks for the encouragement

Alty · Jun 26, 2012, 06:13 PM

Ktlay, any chance of him coming on this site? Talking about this?

I think that reading what's been written will help him. Not only for him to move on, but for him to realize that what he's dealing with, is abuse, and not the norm. That he owes his parents nothing, and that he has the right to live his own life.

I'd really like to talk to him about this. Maybe that would help him realize that he's not wrong, that his parents are the ones that are in the wrong here.

ktlay12 · Jun 26, 2012, 09:42 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

Ktlay, any chance of him coming on this site? Talking about this?

I think that reading what's been written will help him. Not only for him to move on, but for him to realize that what he's dealing with, is abuse, and not the norm. That he owes his parents nothing, and that he has the right to live his own life.

I'd really like to talk to him about this. Maybe that would help him realize that he's not wrong, that his parents are the ones that are in the wrong here.

I don't know if he would do that. But we had a talk tonight and I think he understands.She said some things to him that really opened his eyes to her true colors the other day. He has an interview with a very good company Thursday and the employer has already expressed strong interest in him. So, fingers crossed!!

Alty · Jun 26, 2012, 10:39 PM

Originally Posted by ktlay12

I don't know if he would do that. But we had a talk tonight and I think he understands.She said some things to him that really opened his eyes to her true colors the other day. He has an interview with a very good company thursday and the employer has already expressed strong interest in him. So, fingers crossed!!!

Keep us posted. I'd like to know how this all turns out, and I wish you both the best of luck.

Fingers crossed. :)

ktlay12 · Jun 27, 2012, 11:13 AM

Originally Posted by Alty

Keep us posted. I'd like to know how this all turns out, and I wish you both the best of luck.

Fingers crossed. :)

Will do. And thank you (:

dao13 · Jul 7, 2012, 08:12 AM

And I thought I had patience. If my mom was that controlling, I would probably tell her straight. Mom I love this girl, leave us alone.And if that doesn't work and she is still controlling, you're probably just screwed. Sorry

Wondergirl · Jul 7, 2012, 08:27 AM

Originally Posted by dao13

And i thought i had patience. If my mom was that controlling, i would probably tell her straight. Mom i love this girl, leave us alone.And if that doesn't work and she is still controlling, you're probably just screwed. Sorry

And if you were my child still living at home, you'd get extra chores and no dessert for a week with that attitude. Or you can move out.

JudyKayTee · Jul 7, 2012, 05:31 PM

Originally Posted by dao13

And i thought i had patience. If my mom was that controlling, i would probably tell her straight. Mom i love this girl, leave us alone.And if that doesn't work and she is still controlling, you're probably just screwed. Sorry

Here's a thought - take your own advice and let us know how it works out after you tell your mother "straight." Sounds in your other thread like you don't have FB, a phone or the ability to date and/or contact your girlfriend. Maybe you shouldn't be giving advice to someone else. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/teens/...ml#post3185485