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suffragette · Jun 17, 2012, 07:44 AM

My son's father married a few months ago. The person he married is ill. (I have been told she has Crohn's disease). She is in and out of the hospital regularly. She has as many as 5-10 surgeries a year. She just had her most recent surgery and has been in ICU for about a week now. She and my son do not have a close relationship and never have. They spend very little time together and never spend 'one on one' time (and never have). What little bit of time they spend 'together' is spent with his father involved, for instance a trip to the movies, a family gathering here and there, etc. My son does not speak of her as someone that he cares about or loves. My son does not ever refer to her as special to him, etc. (I don't ask my son these things as I'm not sure it would be appropriate, I just observe for myself). She doesn't wake up when my son does when he spends the night at his father's house. She does not and never has cared for my son in a motherly or 'parental' way. (It may be significant to note that my son has a three year old brother who is the product of his father and this woman).
My question is: How much should his father be involving him in her illness and or possible death? (I hear about her being in the hospital so much that I can only assume that she is possibly dying). He took my son to the ICU to see her the other day and as a parent the things that occurred to me are this: Is it in my son's best interest to be involved and if so to what extent and is it necessary to expose him to the germs at the hospital? He does not ask about his father's wife. He has never expressed any concern for her. He has never asked me if she was going to be okay. He does not and has never expressed anything about this woman so why is it appropriate for him to be involved in something that could possibly have a negative affect on him when it is not his parent, family member or someone he is close to who is suffering? I want to know that my concerns are legit before I confront his father with the issue. (There are many times when his wife is ill and will stay at her mother's or sister's house and when my son goes to spend the weekend with his father, his father doesn't make a point to take my son to go see her over there so why would it be necessary to take him to see her in the hospital)? I just don't want my son to be hurt if it can be avoided. I don't want him to have to deal with something as awful as illness and death if it is not 'necessary'.

Wondergirl · Jun 17, 2012, 07:56 AM

A child's first exposures to serious illness and death can be a good thing if the child is not too emotionally involved with the sick person. Of course, empathy needs to be taught by an adult and experienced by the child. Is that being done?

Are you worried about your son, or actually resentful of this new wife?

ScottGem · Jun 17, 2012, 07:57 AM

First forget about the "germs at the hospital". If there was a risk of contagion, your son would not be allowed near it.

At 7 he is old enough to understand the concept of death. You should be discussing this with him and make sure he understands it. Take a trip to your local library and ask a librarian to recommend books to help you discuss it.

While I think it may be pushing it to take a 7 yr old to an ICU, without knowing the exact circumstances I can't say that it was wrong.

You also say nothing about his relationship with his father. It really doesn't matter what his relationship with his step mother is. But he should go to her funeral because of his father, not her. Therefore he needs to be prepared for that occasion. That may be part of his father's thinking.

joypulv · Jun 17, 2012, 08:02 AM

A key question in my mind is how much time does your son spend with you? If half or more, I would let this pass and not worry. He has you, his mother, he knows you are alive and there for him. He has a younger step brother who might be needing a little help and understanding from him (AND his dad!). He will take this in stride, I believe, as long as you do. Life throws children all sorts of curves and I think he will be stronger and wiser for this one, and there is no need to think it might be traumatizing or even just detracting from his development.

suffragette · Jun 18, 2012, 09:35 AM

Part of me can understand your question about me possibly resenting my son's father's wife but considering the situation, that just seems absurd to me. I think it would take a malice person to resent a woman who is so ill that she spends more time in the hospital than out and very well could be wasting away her last days here on Earth. I do believe, however, that my concerns for my son's emotional well-being are reasonable.

suffragette · Jun 18, 2012, 09:45 AM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

First forget about the "germs at the hospital". If there was a risk of contagion, your son would not be allowed near it.

At 7 he is old enough to understand the concept of death. You should be discussing this with him and make sure he understands it. Take a trip to your local library and ask a librarian to recommend books to help you discuss it.

While I think it may be pushing it to take a 7 yr old to an ICU, without knowing the exact circumstances I can't say that it was wrong.

You also say nothing about his relationship with his father. It really doesn't matter what his relationship with his step mother is. But he should go to her funeral because of his father, not her. Therefore he needs to be prepared for that occasion. That may be part of his father's thinking.

I am very aware that my 'germ' issues are unreasonable so your reminder was definitely helpful (something I struggle with daily). Reading your reply has caused me to realize that I just may have my own issues with death. I think you gave some good advice and I am going to check out the library. I suppose this will be just one more situation where I can learn right along with my child.
You have given me some things to think about and I appreciate your help very much. Thanks!

ScottGem · Jun 18, 2012, 09:58 AM

Originally Posted by suffragette

Reading your reply has caused me to realize that I just may have my own issues with death.

I think that is very perceptive of you to take that away from what I said. It may very well be true.

And it make me feel good about your ability to help your son deal with this issue.

Good luck and keep us posted. I'm glad I was able to help. I hope you stick around and "pay it forward" by seeing if you can help others here.