[Wondergirl]

Do you love yourself? That's where love must begin.

[frenchmusic]

Like I've said. I've dealt with my depression. Yet I am still dealing with it. I understand it will be a part of my life for as long as I live. But it will not kill me. It is not killing me like it used to.

You know how I spend this weekend? I went to my friends house, sat outside with his mom. On the grass with several blankets and a guitar. And I rested my head on her shoulder. And we spoke until 2am. She went to sleep and in the morning I took her children on a picnic (9 year old son, 12 year old son - then my 17 year old friend) for her so she could have some peace at home. I played soccer with her sons and I put their jerseys on them so they don't get sick.

I am already a part of that family. It makes no sense living here. Just as I feel my existence doesn't make sense here.

With her, it makes sense.

I've turned my pain into experience, I've gained wisdom. I feel much older than I am. So everything tends to be trivial to me- but this is not. This love. I'm older, wiser, and calmer now. I have recently been practising meditation and that helps both relax me and energize me. Two of my biggest physical struggles.

I am on the right road. I have never been in such a good space. It is because I have a mother now.

[JudyKayTee]

She's not your mother. It's a romantic thought, but it's not the truth. So she sits outside with you until 2AM. You then care for her children for her so she has peace at home. You care for her children so they don't get sick. Where is she during all of this? Those children are her responsibilities, not yours. If she can't sit up until 2AM and take care of her children she should go to bed earlier.

This is a little too hippie-guitar playing-peace and love for me. This ADULT is doing you (a CHILD) absolutely no favors. I can't believe your friend isn't somewhat resentful - and deservedly so. I can't address South Africa but in the US this ADULT female could be charged with parental interference.

And depression does not last a lifetime - lots of depressed people take medication, lead totally successful and happy lives.

You are gone from home overnight, caring for another person's children? Do you have any responsibilities at home?

[frenchmusic]

Do I love myself? That's a difficult question I've been asked before.

It never made sense to me. Because I never felt real. Ever. I could never fathom my actual existence. I've always felt like a memory.

I love myself when I am with my "mother" (my friend's mom) - typing that makes me cry. Tears of appreciation. Like I said in my first post- I feel in place with her. Genuinely real. And existent. And present. And seen. And heard. And felt.
More than I could ever ask for.

I love myself now. But it's difficult when I'm here. In this house. In this dark and this silence. It's hard to merely use personal pronouns like "I" and "my"

But a fraction of my consciousness know I am alive. I just need to be in a place to trigger it all.

Moderately difficult question.

[JudyKayTee]

It never made sense to me. Because I never felt real. Ever. I could never fathom my actual existence. I've always felt like a memory. ... But it's difficult when I'm here. In this house. In this dark and this silence. It's hard to merely use personal pronouns like "I" and "my" ... But a fraction of my consciousness know I am alive. I just need to be in a place to trigger it all.

A little too teenage dramatic for me - sort of the South African version of MacBeth.

WG, I'm out of this. OP doesn't want advice. She wants help with her creative writing skills. Again, a little too over the top dramatic for me. I see tons and tons of self pity.

WG, it's all yours!

[frenchmusic]

JudyKayTee - that was one weekend. Don't take things out of context so dramatically. I offered to take them, anyway. She was awake, making breakfast for us all. She didn't ask anything of me. I just felt more than a little bit compelled to reciprocate the love she gives me. My friend is not resentful in the least, we're not 12 years old. I wouldn't associate myself with such immature people. He is so happy for me. He is extremely happy I'm doing so well. You should see me when I'm with them.

I know myself well. I know myself so well. I KNOW I will struggle with depression through out my life. And I'm not afraid. I learn from pain. I appreciate pain as it literally makes me a better person. I will always learn from depression.

[joypulv]

'I've grown up in a reality where I feel, genuinely, that I do not exist. My physical presence has always shocked me, every day. The existence of myself makes no sense to me.'

I can relate to that (but I am now 65).

I'm glad you have found a loving mother. I wouldn't count on adoption happening though. It could be that she is just making you feel wanted, but by the time an adoption went through (even if your parents both signed the papers) you will most likely be 18, and I just don't see even the most loving parent willing to adopt you now. You are intelligent but I'm not sure how realistic you are. There's something sort of dreamy and full of drama about you (cutting out lights but not expensive cell phone)? Describing scenes of leaning on her in an idyllic setting. This is nice but it isn't the next 5, 10, 20 years - her children will leave home and so will you.

Your real mother has been through some horrible situations and you mention them, but don't seem to be interested in seeing her superficial and materialistic character as a defense mechanism. I suppose that we don't do that when young - a parent is merely a parent, not a person so much. And a failure if we aren't loved. Someday you will look back and see.

Good luck with a very near adulthood.

[frenchmusic]

I've already gotten my solution. I've already taken the advice. I'm going to move out. Simple as that.

[frenchmusic]

Joypulv, I take that to heart and really respect that. Thank you. I understand.

I know it's her coping mechanism by the way. Just as my father's anger is his.

I guess it's just illogical to me. As my defense mechanism is to turn to pain.

Thank you so much. I respect that.

[Wondergirl]

As my defense mechanism is to turn to pain.

No, I don't see pain as your defense mechanism. Do you really understand what a defense mechanism is?

[frenchmusic]

As I've said, I know myself. And I do know what a defence mechanism means. Pain could mean several things. I'm drawn to it all. If it means not talking about my problems, if it means not-eating, if it means crying without reason, if it means hurting those around me. I do it unwillingly.

(I won't interfere in the other two people's argument- however I will say I'm sorry I'm the catalyst for it. Also, thank you both for your opinions and solutions and most of all, time.)

[Fr_Chuck]

Whatever. Not going to explain or defend myself. I'm out.

Please do, very poor advice can serious hurt people, the last post of the OP was she was "moving out" which can end her up in detention, or worst.

I know school is out and you kids are having fun and meaning well, but I wish you would take the posts serious and not encourage kids to do impulsive and harmful things.

Running away and just moving out is not a answer.

[frenchmusic]

When I am eighteen I am legal to move out. I am then legally classified as an adult. I will be fine. It will be normal for me to move out next year, anyway.

[mogrann]

I just got on this thread please excuse me if I say something all ready said. As always take what works and leave the rest behind as not all advice will work for everyone.
1. Is there a way you can radically accept where you are living and find elsewhere for the needs that are not being met. By radically accept I mean your life is what it is nothing more nothing less. I seem to remember you posting that medication and or therapy is not an option and that is why I suggest this skill. You can still get your emotional needs met from your moms friend and live at home.

2. If physical abuse is an issue I will say contact the authorities and tell the truth. Don't under state it nor over state it. Just the facts with no judgements attached (another skill)

3. Make a list of where you want your life to be and how you want to be as an adult and start working towards it with baby steps. Don't forget to add on any emotional growth you want to occur.

4. Self injury is a coping mechanism. It is neither good nor bad. It is a way to cope when you have no other options available due to you not knowing any other methods. I too self injured and will give you some advice for this as well.
a) journaling writing things down can make things clearer for you and may show you areas to work on.
b) have a safety box, this is a box that you keep in one area and you go to when high emotions are occurring. Something's in my safety box are (and these are only examples yours may be different) coloring books, crayons, markers, pencils, puzzle books, books, lotion, stuffed animals. I only have things in there that I find soothing.
c) when you are ready to learn new coping mechanisms find a therapist that is experienced in people who injure themselves (starving and cutting for you ) Also make sure they know about the sexual abuse as that is a factor as well. Why I say find experienced ones as I have had ones that just made me sign a no injure contract and if I did I was not allowed to see them. I found that no help at all as I would hide it or let the emotions build until I was suicidal.
d) Go to this sticky I wrote some will apply for you and some won't. As I said earlier take what you need and ignore the rest https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...ts-653654.html

5. I am happy you found an adult who you feel cares for you. I would suggest when you are in wise mind and not emotional mind sit down and think on the relationship. Make sure it is what you think it is. People with issues such as yours and mind can very easily make decisions in emotional mind. I am not saying it is good nor bad that is your decision and yours alone.

6. Please please finish school do not move out until you have. It is very hard to support yourself without a good education. I am speaking from experience.

[frenchmusic]

I appreciate your advice. Just to let everyone know, again, I don't cut myself anymore. I used to. I was a different person then. Swimming in a black wave. I write short stories as a safe-place. I have a secret box filled with notes and scraps of paper that I have found or personally received. They're all of positive connotations.

And of course I am going to finish school. After high school I'm going to study fine arts and perhaps philosophy. I will then move on to greater things.

When I move out, I don't even necessarily mean into the home of my friend's mother. I just mean away from home. And I am so looking forward to that.

What is in my heart is that this woman is my mother, at least for now. I've lose ones close to me before. And at my age that sounds silly, but it turns out, it's not.

As long as I keep her in my life, for as long as I can, I think I will be satisfied.

To know she is there. I mentioned earlier that that notion in itself makes me happy. As long as I do not lose her. I will be okay. I just need to move out of this house. I wish I could do it sooner.

[smoothy]

Teenagers all over the world frequently develop romantic notions of other people and other situations. Convinced whatever situation they are is is the worst it can be and anything would be better. Usually because of a complete lack or real life experience in the real world on their own. Reality usually hits them real hard when they discover the real world isn't what they imagined in their dreams... and that they are really on their own. If they don't have money they won't have a place to stay or food to eat.

And people they thought were their friends... either abandon them immediately... or not long after they tire of the mooching... or the teen discovers these people in real life were not nearly as perfect as the versions they created that existed in only in their minds.

We call that learning experience.. "graduating from the school of hard knocks"

As far as your dreams of planning to study the fine arts and philosophy after high school... if you move out... how do you intend to support yourself and pay for this... do you think those things will get you a job that actually pays money? At least one you could do without that course of study.

Quite honestly... study those if you wish as a minor... but major in something else that will get you a job that pays real money.

[frenchmusic]

You have no idea, I'm afraid. That is a terrible generalization, that I actually agree with. But does not apply to me. You do not know me. Nor will you ever know me.

That is not an answer to this. That is only perceptive superiority. I'm not a stupid little child living in a dream world. Whatsoever. I'm logical. I am a realist. I've seen awful things. I've seen wonderful things. Who are you, as an adult, to disrespect me so thoroughly.

[frenchmusic]

Ps. Do you any idea how many jobs I can get with a degree in fine arts? I'm sure you do. As you are so knowledgeable on life. I feel like I should bow down to you. Perhaps kiss your shoes.

Please. I have everything sorted out now.

I am going places and I just realised that.

[ScottGem]

Please. I have everything sorted out now.

Closed