[hapalove]

I just got engaged to, what I thought, was the most wonderful guy in the entire world. He truly is nice, and respectful, handsome, and wants to settle down. But tonight we had a fight and he showed a sign I had never seen before. I never heard him yell like that. Telling me to get out. To never turn back. It was stupid fight about our intimate life. Now, I am afraid that he will always fight like this. I've lost respect for him. I lost respect for myself. I tried to make up when we were fighting, but it somehow kept escalating because he just wouldn't listen and insisted it was my fault and I was being a drama queen. I felt he was too. In the end I was going to walk out, but he didn't even care. He didn't even look at me. He went straight to his computer to play his games. Should I be afraid that this is how all our fights are going to be? Should I break off the engagement before it is too late?

[Jake2008]

I wouldn't give up just yet.

What you both have to learn is, how to fight. Arguing is very different that fighting and involves a certain amount of give and take, knowing when to talk, and knowing when to listen, going slowly through a problem with good conversation, being smart enough to know that it's best to stop and try again tomorrow, etc.

Fighting is not going to resolve anything, especially when both parties are at the "I'm going to win or else" stage, when something like what you have described happens.

To me learning how to communicate, both in good times and bad, is the key. Arguing is a perfectly normal part of life between two individuals. I always worry about people who don't argue or have differences that involve emotion. Somebody will surely blow one day.

Not getting problems out in the open is just as bad as not dealing with them, or thinking it will just blow over. Be careful that differences handled the way you two did, will surely lead to more of the same. Time to do some research.

Figure out how to argue. Know what you need to address. Keep it current, agree when to argue (after the kids are in bed for example), and where to argue ( in the livingroom, but with the TV off, the computer shut down, and the phone off the hook). Keep it respectful but at the same time allow for true emotion to come through- keep it real.

Google and research a little bit on effective arguing, or how to argue with your partner.

I hope you two can come up with a more effective way of resolving differences, than one or the other walking out the door.

[Fr_Chuck]

I would be more scared of a relationship where there are no fights, it is how a couple handle the fights, counseling to learn communication is good for all couples.