[eabrdbike]

My girlfriend of 9 months is 57 years old. She was married for 33 years. Two kids, one heading to college, one married.

Good job, house no real financial worries.
Her ex-husband found a younger woman and they continue to see each other.
She was devastated when he told her he didn't want to spend the 2nd part of his life like the first years.

So they divorced.
We have been together doing very well for about 9 months now. All of a sudden she is telling me her heart is still hurt, it waivers at times and she doesn't know know what she wants. Here are my questions:
1. Do you think she wants to reconcile with her ex. He asked her months ago but she said no to him.
2. What would be the sudden reason she wants to take some time off?

We have a great physical and up until now we've had a great emotional and communicative relationship. I am falling in love with this woman and she has told me she has a lot of love for me as well. Anyway, not sure what to do but taking time apart is really tough - to go from having dinner, going on walks, seeing each other at nights for a bit to nothing is very disheartening.

I am a very athletic, stable person at 61 years old. I have been marrried before and I am thinking this relationship is over. I'd like to hear some thoughts.

Thanks

[JudyKayTee]

I think she's telling you the truth. She obviously was badly hurt by someone she loved for a long time. I don't know how long she's been divorced. It's entirely possible at this point she doesn't want to get involved, is afraid to get involved, truly doesn't know what she wants.

There is no way to know if she would reconcile with her ex. She apparently said "no" once. That doesn't mean "no" forever. On the other hand, maybe she's finished with him. They are tied together by two children.

Maybe after 9 months she has decided this relationship is not all she thought it was - the "honeymoon" stage is over.

Maybe she's unsure of her own feelings and doesn't want to hurt you or herself.

Maybe she really just needs some time to think.

Are you pressuring her in some way? "A lot of love" for someone is not "in love" with someone.

I'd give her some time and space and see what happens and, in the meantime, I'd stay busy.

[eabrdbike]

Judy

I really hope she is telling the truth. My heart feels very broken right now. Going from a great relationship each day, having fun to nothing because she is healing from the past is tough to take. I guess I grabbed someone off the relationship ICU ward and unplugged them and took them home and signed up for this

I've never dealt with someone so hurt by a previous marriage in my life. It is all so strange to me. She loved him and said she learned how to fall out of love with him and I am sure that after 9 months there are still feelings even though he is with someone else. That part is bizarre to me that she holds on to the pain.

I am distraught about what to do, how to give space but yet still have love. I feel like running for the hills and not ever seeing her again but my heart is still hers.
I've never experienced such passion and love for a woman. I was able to be myself and open up and in doing that - I have opened myself for hurt.

Yes, I have to keep busy and figure out how much time I want to give her. What is enough time? I don't know. That is the question that I will be asking myself if I let go.

The odds of finding someone tall, athletic, thin and my age was remarkable. I would hate to lose her... I'm still searching for answers and appreciate your insight.

Ed

I think she's telling you the truth. She obviously was badly hurt by someone she loved for a long time. I don't know how long she's been divorced. It's entirely possible at this point she doesn't want to get involved, is afraid to get involved, truly doesn't know what she wants.

There is no way to know if she would reconcile with her ex. She apparently said "no" once. That doesn't mean "no" forever. On the other hand, maybe she's finished with him. They are tied together by two children.

Maybe after 9 months she has decided this relationship is not all she thought it was - the "honeymoon" stage is over.

Maybe she's unsure of her own feelings and doesn't want to hurt you or herself.

Maybe she really just needs some time to think.

Are you pressuring her in some way? "A lot of love" for someone is not "in love" with someone.

I'd give her some time and space and see what happens and, in the meantime, I'd stay busy.

[JudyKayTee]

Your post is absolutely touching. You express your feelings so very well. I don't think you ever know if the past relationship is over and done. I have never, ever dated people who are separated. I always thought that was this side of married - and people go back. I know they also go back when it's a divorce.

If you never open yourself up to the possibility of love you never open yourself up to the possibility of pain - sad, but I think it's true.

She may very well be sorting out her thoughts. She was fooled by the ex for I don't know how long. Of course she's suspicious. She may not even know her own heart.

If she's all you believe she is, believe in her and give her time and space. If she's not - well, better to find out now.

Again - stay busy, stay active.

I know it hurts. I've been there.

[eabrdbike]

Judy

It's amazing but you are hitting the nail on the head. Not sure what you mean by they go back when it's a divorce. I really hope that's not the case.

My entire life all I have ever wanted was to find someone to love, to romance, to be with - I wanted those same things in return but I've always been a giver, a helper so you end up helping people through these issues like divorce and then they start thinking and even though they know you love them they cannot break free from the pain and the past.

It boggles my mind that people can not let go when they know there is nothing left. I am trying not to let go right now. I put myself in therapy to deal with my feelings and my therapist said to give her the universe -let her have her space and time...
For me judy, time is running out in my life. I am 61, I look around and relish those relationships where people are intertwined and are bonded together and who can't keep their hands off each other because they love that passion so much.

I would give anything to feel this. My heart my soul my very core and everything inside of me cries out to her but for some reason she doesn't hear it but yet she knows it.

By the lack of communication she realizes that this is slowly destroying our intimacy and our togetherness and she is risking losing me - the one guy who truly loves her very being. I am not sure how I will feel if and when we would ever get back together.

Somehow I have to prep myself for the worst possible scenario of losing her but the best scenario would be togetherness and to continue growing together..

I am not sure where it will all wash out but I've cried so many tears that I can't seem to stop - they pour out of me like an open spigot because my heart is broken.

We are all so fragile in this world and true love perhaps comes around only once or twice in a lifetime - I find it so tough to deal with it all even at my age. And I look 50 years old or younger, I am physically fit and a decent nice looking guy with so much to offer.. it makes me wonder what relationships are all about and how to find someone to give them what I have inside.

If I lose her - then somehow I have to find the strength to move on and see if I can get over the hurt.

You sound like such a wonderful person. It's people like you I want to meet. It's a shame there is such distance even if to talk and share dinner

Your post is absolutely touching. You express your feelings so very well. I don't think you ever know if the past relationship is over and done. I have never, ever dated people who are separated. I always thought that was this side of married - and people go back. I know they also go back when it's a divorce.

If you never open yourself up to the possibility of love you never open yourself up to the possibility of pain - sad, but I think it's true.

She may very well be sorting out her thoughts. She was fooled by the ex for I don't know how long. Of course she's suspicious. She may not even know her own heart.

If she's all you believe she is, believe in her and give her time and space. If she's not - well, better to find out now.

Again - stay busy, stay active.

I know it hurts. I've been there.

[JudyKayTee]

I didn't mean "going back" is a given - I meant that it happens. Who knows why. Past history? I always remember the words to "The Way We Were." We forget what's too painful to remember and hold on to the good parts. An old relationship is like a broken-in shoe. It's comfortable.

I truly don't believe time is running out for you - I really don't. Certainly you aren't 20, but you also aren't 90. There is someone out there for you. This woman may not be that person.

I don't find her insensitive or evil or anything in between - she came out of a 33 year marriage and is probably very, very unsure where her heart is, what she wants for the rest of her life. She was obviously lied to. That doesn't mean you'll lie to her, but she'd be a fool if that thought didn't creep in now and then. Maybe she's never had her freedom and now she does. It could be just about anything.

You truly sound like a really good, solid, likeable guy. There is someone out there. It may or may not be this particular woman. You WILL get through this. Life DOES go on. If you handle this well you will come out the other side stronger and happier, whether it's with or without her. I know it's hard to believe. Life can be cruel. Love can be even more cruel!

My question to you is - you are obviously hurting. She either doesn't seem to recognize that, doesn't know how to deal with it, something. If you get back together how would the knowledge of how this "glitch" was handled affect the relationship? You are suffering, and I don't see her making an attempt to make "it" better.

Please understand. I don't know her. I do know you (sort of). I'm not picking on her. I'm just trying to understand and asking you to look at all of the angles.

Yes, conversation and dinner sound good - keep sharing.