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smiley83 · Mar 6, 2007, 07:40 AM

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half. The first year of our relationship was a long distance relationship, and we only saw each other on weekends. Everything was amazing.. And it still is.. BUT our sex life has detteriorated since moving in together. We bought a house together 4 months ago, and I do understand that it's been a stressful move, there's so much to do etc. I have spoken to him about the fact that don't have sex anymore, and he has assured me that he is still very attracted to me and that he does still love me loads, he just doesn't fancy sex. I've tried being very understanding, and I've even linked it to his ex who used to sleep around with everyone but him - he stayed with her for 6 years! So, I do understand, and at first he said that he thought he might have a problem. We had another discussion last night, and I told him that I was prepared to wait for as long as it takes - because I love him so much. Thinking that I might try and find out exactly what's happening to him, I asked him a lot of questions.. One being when was the last time her masturbated.. And he said it was last week.
This affected me completely - where as before I thought he might have a problem with sex - Now I know that he'll masturbate - but won't have sex with me? My ego has taken such a big hit - And now I believe that his problem isn't with him - But with me. He assures me that this isn't the case... I don't know what to think! Has anyone ever been in a similair situation? And - lastly! I have asked him to see a doctor - And he won't!

Thanks!

Krs · Mar 6, 2007, 07:44 AM

Have u asked him what is his reasons for masterbating? And as he masterabtes why doesn't he want sex?

smiley83 · Mar 6, 2007, 07:50 AM

Thanks for answering!!
Well - It's a really mission for me to get him speaking about anything!
The minute I did find out - And started asking more questions he just kept saying that he feels so bad for being a horrible boyfriend - and that's all I got out of him! I have absolutely no doubt that he loves me - I know he does - He's very affectionate - he always says he loves me etc. He says he doesn't feel like sex because he's so tired all the time. He plays rugby - So he training 3 times a week. He's getting up earlier in the morning as well because I leave for work 1.5 hours before him? Could this be true? He also says that because he knows I want sex - he feels pressured about it - making him more stressed?
Thanks
Lol

Synnen · Mar 6, 2007, 07:52 AM

Okay... here's one of those instances where people find out more about me than they really want to.

My husband is the kind of guy that would love to have sex 3 times a day. I'm more a 3 times a week sort of girl, and less if I'm tired, stressed, etc.

That doesn't mean that I have no sexual urges... I just don't want to have sex. Sex means pleasing someone besides yourself, and sometimes I just want to get off and go to sleep. That's where masturbation comes in. It's not that I don't love and desire my husband... I just don't want to have sex.

It's really unromantic, but one of the things that has helped is to set aside time for sex. Schedule it in like you do a doctor's appointment or a meeting. If he KNOWS that it's scheduled and that there's nothing else that SHOULD be done during that time, I'm betting that he's more into it. Especially with a new house... there's always SOMETHING that MUST be done. Make sure that sex is on your "to do" list, then :)

smiley83 · Mar 6, 2007, 07:57 AM

Hiya!
That's a good suggestion - But because he's already feeling pressure to have sex with me (sounds great doesn't it!! ) If I was to turn around and say on Sunday we're having sex - I know he'll say that he'll feel pressurised. The last time we had sex was 5 weeks ago - My point of view is that we're still a young couple - And I don't feel like I should have to prompt my boyfriend to have sex with me - It should happen because we both want it to happen. I am just being naïve?

Krs · Mar 6, 2007, 07:58 AM

Great post from synnen ;)

You could also try pleasuring him, so that he feels he doesn't need to masterbate, you never know, pleasing him may get his urge going!

smiley83 · Mar 6, 2007, 08:01 AM

I have - I've tried focusing purely on him - It was new years eve - But It's just getting into that situation again. If we're lying in bed and I start touching him at night - He says he's tired - In the morning - He says he has stuff to do.
Watching TV - making dinner - I've tried it all! He always has something else to do!

Krs · Mar 6, 2007, 08:03 AM

How about running him a hot bath because he is tired... and see how that goes, maybe you could pop in the bath too!

smiley83 · Mar 6, 2007, 08:06 AM

Thanks - LOL:)

RubyPitbull · Mar 6, 2007, 08:07 AM

Smiley, his masturbation has nothing to do with his not wanting you. View it as a quick stress reducer for him. It is fast and easy and provides the release he needs. I am sure that he wants to be able to please you and making love properly, where you are satisfied as well, can be a bit of work for a man. If he is tired, as he says he is, your boyfriend is just looking for a quick fix and doesn't have the energy he feels he needs to put into a good round of sex with you.

With most men, if a woman tells them or exhibit behaviour, that she does not feel he is living up to her expectations regarding frequency of sex, it suddenly becomes a very daunting task to him. He is being truthful with you when he says he feels pressured. That leads to non-performance. The expectations from his partner puts a major damper on a man's sex drive. It is called performance anxiety. The more you push for it, the more he will become stressed and back away.

Honey, I know it is difficult for you now, but these things happen at one time or another, in most relationships. He is getting up earlier, he is tired. Please try to back off a bit about this. Just be understanding and give him time. Don't talk about it for a while. Let him make the first move when he is ready. He will be ready when he feels that he is not being pushed for it. Does that make sense to you? :)

P.S. Between my typing and my dial-up service, I am a bit slow today. I was answering before I saw Synnen's response! :)

Krs · Mar 6, 2007, 08:07 AM

Hope that works for you.
And if it does, enjoy the moment and maybe try speak to him, but instead of questioning his actions just show him how concerned YOU are about him

smiley83 · Mar 6, 2007, 08:14 AM

That makes perfect sense - What's makes even more sense is that perhaps it's not all him.. I think I'm being more paranoid that normal - This did affect me quite a bit so I know it's affected my confidence - Perhaps I need to get that back! Thank you so much everyone for answering.
Xxxx:p

Krs · Mar 6, 2007, 08:15 AM

Good luck and keep us posted x

Down and out · Mar 6, 2007, 12:43 PM

Wish I could help however am in the same boat as you. Hope it gets better for the both of us!

ghost56 · Mar 6, 2007, 01:24 PM

Trouble is this kind of thing can turn into a vicious circle. You want sex, he doesn't. You feel he doesn't want you, he feels pressurised, so doesn't want sex. Masturbation is a quick fix. Imagine running a marathon, you are tired and feel you must finish the race, because it is expected, if you could take a short cut to the finish line, you would take it wouldn't you. Masturbation is the same, it is a short cut to the result. You need to leave it for a while and as said earlier, don't mention it and wait until he approches you for sex. Things will get no better until he feels less pressured. Also suggest he relaxes a little more.