[Ariane16]

Hello everyone,

I have been in a relationship with this guy (let's call him D) for 5 months now, and I am in love with him. He's everything I seek in a man: caring, smart, handsome, witty, and we also share the same interests. We spend most of our time together. He's very thoughtful, always going out of his way to please and surprise me. I am 19 and living alone in a foreign country, and D offers all the emotional support I need, being there for me whenever I am feeling anxious or having some sort of emotional crisis (which is rather often).

While all this might sound like a perfect love story, it is far from being such. I found out 2 months ago that D is a pathological liar. Not the dangerous, evil, or even cheating kind: he has never lied to hurt me, or hidden something bad he had done.
It started when he confessed he had actually never dated all the ex-girlfriends he claimed he had, and he said he did it because he knew I had a lot more emotional and sexual experience than him, and he first thought he didn't have a shot with me if he admitted his inexperience. It freaked me out at first, and I wanted to leave him, but he had a severe anxiety attack so I tried to take it easy on him. Then I said to myself he had only lied out of embarrassment, and I believe sexual inexperience is nothing to be embarrassed about, specially that D is a very smart guy, an excellent student, who has spent most of his adolescent years reading and studying instead of chasing girls. I have had a lot of boyfriends for a girl of my age, and I can see how this can be intimidating, so I thought, what 19 year-old boy wouldn't lie in this situation?

But then more and more lies started to come out, and I gradually began to understand that those lies were the expression of an underlying psychological problem D is suffering from. He basically lies for two main reason: either to make himself look "cooler" than he is, or to make me pity him and take care of him (for example he once told me, in the beginning of our relationship, that his father was being operated because he wanted me to stay with him and give him my attention).

We have had a number of big fight, me threatening to leave him, and him begging me to stay, telling me how much he loves me and cares about me. The thing is, I am really in love with him too, and it is very difficult to leave someone you love crazily.

I know I sound crazy to stay with this guy. He admits he is mythomaniac and we both think it's related to his very dysfunctional family. He agreed to start seeing a therapist after his exams (in a month). He says he is willing to change, and I know he is making efforts. First, I had to interrogate him about everything he did, the he started admitting right away whenever he lied. I believe he hasn't lied to me about a major thing for a month.

I know most people will tell me to just leave him. Even though I can't believe with absolute certainty a single word that comes out of D's mouth, his actions speak pretty loud: it is obvious he loves me, cares for me, sacrifices everything for me, and I am never as happy as when I am with him.

I am ready to fight for him to get better, to accompany him through therapy, but I am really afraid of getting hurt or cheated on. I have done a little research about mythomania and I know it rarely gets better with time. I feel like I am paranoid and nervous all the time, not being able to trust a single thing he says.

I really want to believe that this love is worth fighting for but I know that given we are both emotionally dependent, the more I stay, the more it will be difficult to leave. I am still young, and I don't want to end up emotionally devastated for having stayed too long with a pathological liar, given that I myself am not very emotionally stable. In fact I get anxiety attacks very often. Yesterday we had a huge fight because I found out he lied about watching porn (I know it's not a big deal, but I was particularly exhausted) and I slapped him hard. I felt so sorry about it and cried all night.
I am so afraid we are getting to the point we can only hurt each other and be destructive to one an other.

Is there any way to try to help him to get better and to make our relationship last without risking to be irreversibly hurt? Am I just giving into his emotional pressure? Does anyone have any experience with pathological liars?

[talaniman]

He either gets help or you leave him alone, because he may not intend to, but will hurt you at some point. Its dangerous latching on to a guy with these issues, especially so soon. 5 months?? This is a high risk situation.

[odinn7]

I had someone in my life that was a pathological liar... she lied about everything... and I mean everything. I couldn't even believe her if I asked what the weather was like outside, it was that bad. She had issues. She needed attention and this was one of the ways she got it from everyone.

There was no curing her. She wouldn't admit there was a problem.

You're setting yourself up for some major problems down the road. Good luck.

[Ariane16]

Thank you for you answers.
The thing is that he admits he's suffering from mythomania, and that his lying is pathological, which is usually not the case for most pathological liars. So maybe the fact that he knows he needs professional help is a good sign. But I don't know what to expect from therapy, and how long it will take him to get better. I can't even be sure he is actually seeing a therapist unless I accompany him every time, and this will be getting me way too involved in the healing process. What if I leave him one day? Will he just relapse?

I just can't leave him right now, not only because I am really in love with him (I know I can deal with a break up) but because it will destroy him. He will be desperate to get me back, and if it is already tough to deal with a break-up, how hard must it be to know you're hurting someone you love? And I don't want to leave him just because he's sick, I mean you don't leave people because they have a physical illness so why would I leave him just because he has a psychological one?

[talaniman]

If he had a physical illness, he would get help to deal with it, as goes the same with a pathological illness. That's the difference. Getting help for himself. If he is motivated to improve he will do this because he needs to for himself. Not as a way to keep you in his life, but because he wants a healthy manageable life.

You can love and support him, but its his burden to bear, as are the consequences of doing nothing. For your part, you get FACTS on the proper way to deal with a person who has these issues, and know your own role, so as not to enable, or obstruct, but to encourage, and support. To go or stay, love or not, has to be based on more than feelings of effects on him, but of you also.

To make what maybe a lifetime commitment after 5 months with no clear idea of what he will do, is NOT in your interest or his. But you do need to educate yourself as to what you will deal with, and make an informed decision as to YOUR own actions going forward.

Just me, I see what he does before I commit myself to this person. For now, protect yourself. He cannot.

[joypulv]

All this fear of leaving him because he will be devastated - how do you know that isn't part of his lies?
I'm not sure about what the science has to say, but it seems to me that pathological liars spring back pretty quickly and move on to the next target.
I don't buy the idea that admitting to lying is a sign of a step forward. It can just be part of the same manipulation as the devastation.
I had a big lie when I was in my late teens, after leaving home. I didn't realize I was depressed so I made up a dead boyfriend whenever I got involved with a man. It enabled me to be as listless as I felt with a 'reason' and got them to feel sorry for me.
I was cured of that after real tragedy struck.

[Ariane16]

Thanks again for your answers.
Okay Talaniman what you said makes perfect sense to me. I think I should stop feeling guilty about what he is going through, and as you said, stop feeling involved in HIS problems.

Truth is, except for those "down" moments when we argue because of his lies, my relationship with him is making me really happy. I mean even people who know me really well (like my mother) have noticed that I have never been so happy and confident in a relationship. It might sound paradoxical because it is also such a complicated relationship because of his psychological problems.
So what you are saying is, as long as he gets help and that I know what to expect (for instance the fact that he will probably lie again, and that I can't be sure about the future) it's okay to stay with him?

Joypulv, you are right about the fact that the devastation might be a part of his lies and manipulation. The thing is even if I can't trust what he says, I see how he acts and how he makes me feel. It might be extremely naïve to say this, but I feel that he really loves me, I mean he scarifies so much and does so much for me that other boys wouldn't do.
I know he lies to get attention, for example to appear more confident and successful or more miserable than he is. But I feel that he's not lying about his feelings.

But then again I might just be too naïve.

[talaniman]

Not naïve, just in love, and that tends to blind us as we learn our partners. Let me reveal to you the reasons I posted what I did.

I have been in a relationship with this guy (let's call him D) for 5 months now, and I am in love with him. He's everything I seek in a man: caring, smart, handsome, witty, and we also share the same interests. We spend most of our time together. He's very thoughtful, always going out of his way to please and surprise me. I am 19 and living alone in a foreign country, and D offers all the emotional support I need, being there for me whenever I am feeling anxious or having some sort of emotional crisis (which is rather often).

Between your age, and where you are in this relationship, and your situation, not only is inexperience a big factor, but emotional need has you a bit dependent on him, and you are far to isolated to really get a sense of yourself to be objective, but relax, its normal for young people to move rather fast and skip the finding out about a stranger before the fall in love.

This is still the honeymoon stage and already you have given your heart to a stranger? You call it love, I call it lust and latching, forming an attachment so soon that it distracts you from true learning, or what to pay attention to. Not only have you not done the work of building a life that you enjoy that gives you confidence and a healthy sense of self, but have become a bit to dependent on another needy person. You are feeding off each other to fill a need, and while you both are happy to have each other, you are also holding each other back from making personal gains and individual growth, because you feel good to be happy, but not pushing yourselves to be happy on your own.

Bummer, right? Not really, as you can adjust easily by paying attention to yourselves and being independent, and slowing the pace of this whirlwind relationship, so you both have room to grow, and deal with personal issues, and not so much each others issues. That's where honest communications begin, boundaries expressed and agreed upon, healthy bonds are formed, and a way forward can be found, as you both realistically can evaluate not only your personal limits, but the limits of your partner as well, which is crucial for a plan of action, as individuals, and as a couple.

That's the only way, as I see it, can you make good choices to adjust to each other, and the realities and difficulties that life will throw at you. That takes time, and there is no hurry, so don't be in such a hurry to build a life with a stranger, that you skip the getting to know them. As you learn about yourself.

You can overwhelm each other by getting carried away with yourselves, your needs, and its hard to deal with the flaws of others when you cannot deal with your own flaws. Relax, the point is that you better slow down, and pay attention to learning, of which there is much to learn, and not just depend on love to get you through. Love can be distracting, when its really soon, and it's a matter of mistaking intense feelings of need as love. Lust fades, love grows, and endures reality over time. 5 months is no time, but soon enough to lose YOURSELF in some one else's world.

That's my advice, back up and pay close attention to where you are leading yourself. You both have to be about building your own lives that makes you happy. Define yourself by how happy YOU make yourself, not how happy you are with some one. Its important that he deals with his own flaws, and you let him. If not, don't try to fix him, fix YOURSELF, with him, or without him.

Healthy true love starts with YOU, not you TWO. Just consider it for a while, and draw your own conclusions.

End of life lecture, whew!!

[mmresd]

He is the one that needs to change, when he wants to. The fact that he acts like he loves you, cares for you, or is sorry for lying could be a lie. What do you believe and what can you not believe? This question erases any trace of trust that you could have possible had with him, and without trust, there is no relationship. If, and that's a pretty big if, he is telling the truth about his medical condition, then this won't be fixed in a few weeks, maybe not even a few years. I think it is time to move on.

[Ariane16]

Wow Talaniman that was so true and enlightening. Specially the part of not allowing each other to be happy alone. We absolutely see each other all the time and have no boundaries in our relationship. This kind of feels good in a way but I can see now it's the root of all our problems.

So I will definitely focus on myself, try to get some alone time. This relationship has been absolutely everything for me during the last 5 months.

Thanks again for such precious advise.