[Iara]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly two years. During that time we have become incredibly close, but at the same time there are little things he does (and that I do) which are really frustrating, upsetting and just indescribably difficult for each of us to resolve on our own. In essence, both of us get the feeling that we are not good enough for each other in our own way. :/ Please help!

Here is a bit of background:

I am reserved sexually. This does not mean we are not animals under the covers--we let loose like rampaging beasts ;) --but some part of me is not comfortable with camming, sexting, and the like. I am all for PDA, but I tend to shy from intimacy in public places. In the beginning of our relationship, I flirted heavily with my boyfriend, teased him constantly, and it was fun. But lately, I have had a lot of frustration and stress due to the several jobs I maintain in addition to coursework and my Master's thesis. In other words, I am very very busy.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, is kinky. He loves to experiment, and he has gotten me to open up sexually (no pun intended!). He is working but his jobs are not consistent during the week, i.e. he works part time, so he tends to have a lot of free time on his hands.

Granted, we love and miss each other. But lately he wants me to text him more, flirt with him more, be healthier (lose a little weight, as he put it) and generally feel sexier. Make him feel wanted, needed, craved. I DO crave him, like crazy, but our Skype sessions only serve to frustrate him and me, and sexting is something I tend to do once in a while, maybe once a day if I can. So frustration readily sets in and at the end of the day all I want is a cuddle session and all he wants is to get laid. :/ I do enjoy him physically and sexually, but lately he is unconvinced, simply because I do not sext him enough, or perform on webcam like he wants me to. So then I feel inadequate, and he does, too.

How do we stay together for the long term, given these obvious differences in sexual needs? Are we in this for the wrong reasons? I see myself with no one else... he has been so loving and accepting in all other aspects of our lives, but this has been an issue for some time.

Please, any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Fr_Chuck]

Grow up ? Working adults have to work and can not be sexting all day. Sounds like he is still living or thinking like a college kid and you are moved on to a adult. Tell him that you love him but you will not be >>> and >>> and >>> and that is it, If he needs you both can do relationship counseling, but he has to realize working people have obligations.

[Iara]

Thank you for your input. :) Anyone else is welcome to comment!

[Wondergirl]

It sounds like he has too much time on his hands and is quite self involved. You're working on a master's and he is doing what with education? He doesn't even work full time?

I'd tell him the same thing Chuck mentioned, that you don't have time for all that sex play and oh, how about we go for couples counseling.

(Pssst, regarding your post title -- it's not you. It's him.)

[Iara]

Thank you for your input, also, wondergirl. More input is welcome!

[talaniman]

I have to say that lust/sex is a fun toy, but at some point you have to get about the hard serious work of building in other areas of the relationship. Lust, and sex only get you so far, and when that fades, NOW WHAT?

Making a partner do what they are uncomfortable with is a good way to build frustration and resentments, and stops you from building a healthy relationship. If sex is how he fills his idle moments, and expects you to always pump his ego, then he is about the fun and benefits, and not the work it takes to build. If you cannot resolve ANY issue between you by discussion, and listening to make changes that benefit you both, then all you have is a sex partner, and not a relationship.

So talk it out.

[Iara]

Talaniman--that is the best response so far. My boyfriend and I have discussed this several times, but as far as enacting the changes goes... well both of us struggle with this. We are equally stubborn when it comes to our positions on sexuality; however, I have been as open to as much as I feel comfortable with him. We have resolved several hang ups in the past nicely--we communicate well. Yet our mutual frustration is still there. How do we change without losing our sense of self? How much change is okay, and how much becomes control?

[Cat1864]

I think you need to write out your schedule for the next one to two weeks (or the last month). Include when you study, when you have classes, when you work, when you eat, when you take care of chores, when you shop for food, when you take care of your personal needs such bathing or going to the bathroom, when you attempt to spend time with him, etc. Ask him to do the same.

Give him a visual of how different your personal lives are right now. Ask him if he would want sex if he had to keep to your current schedule.

Then take your schedule and see where time will be freed up in the future and you will not be under so much stress. How much longer will your schooling take? After you get out, will you be able to get a job that will give you better hours?

If he were the one asking about your relationship, I would tell him to back off and look your needs as well as his own desires. He wants sex and kinks. He has time to think about them and encourage his libido to be active and ready. He is more rested and less stressed. You have a platter full of stress and he is adding to it instead of helping. Pressure to have sex is a major libido limiter.

You don't say it, but I get the impression that you are starting to feel like an inanimate object. There to satisfy his needs and who cares about your own. I don't think either of you would like that analogy, but it is where your relationship is headed if he doesn't learn the virtue of relaxing and non-sexual intimacy.

Realistically, can you give him more at this time? Can you rearrange your schedule to give him what he wants? Is he willing to learn how to give you what you need? Is he willing to even learn what your needs are? I don't mean nodding his head or making affirmative noises when you try to talk to him, but actually working with you to get through this time.

Be honest with yourself, if he isn't willing to help and expects you to make all the changes is he the person you want to be with? Is he the person you can see yourself going through life altering changes with?

After all that, I have a suggestion for a compromise:

If you are uncomfortable with sexting and skype, what if, you when you feel like it, you were to write down fantasies or leave notes for him?

[Iara]

Cat 1864--that is an excellent series of suggestions! I do leave him notes and things once in a while, and I have a surprise in store for him when we see each other on the weekends. But leaving him more notes during the day is a good place for me to start. :)

I will talk to him tonight and use your suggestion to discuss our schedules. Maybe doing so will shed a little more light on how much time we do have right now, and how much time we can make for each other. Discussing my needs is also important and I think that is a good idea as well.

Thank you all so much! Further insights are welcome! :D