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Mike R · Apr 3, 2012, 01:51 PM

Well I'll lay out my dilemma as simply as possible:

I am 26 and my girlfriend is 23, I am the kind of person that gets compliments and women try to contact me quite frequently without trying. I don't say this out of any sense of vanity or anything like that, I'm a very humble person and I am very considerate of the feelings of others. I am finishing a very hard University degree and my career path has plenty of opportunity. I have a strong sex drive and I'm quite gifted in bedroom associated activities meaning I like sex and I'm good at pleasuring women. My girlfriends in the past have all been your standard affair; works out 4 days a week, goes to university, goes to the club on the weekends, complete psycho when she drinks and screams at me for things I have nothing to do with. Basically high ego attractive women.

My current girlfriend is on the other end of the spectrum because I felt like taking a break from women that drive me nuts, my current girlfriend is extremely nice, very soft spoken and kind. When I first met her I thought she was absolutely gorgeous but as we've been dating for about 9 months now she's gained a lot of weight and become very very lazy in her lifestyle. The effect has been I do not find her attractive at all anymore, I do not want to have sex with her because I just find she is not sexually appealing due to how she takes care of her body. That part of the brain in physically active people that tells you to get up off your butt she doesn't have, she has a high sex drive but while we have sex I just kind of feel gross the whole time. I'm happy she enjoys it and I'm happy I found someone who is finally nice but I don't know if I should carry on in a relationship where the sex is terrible and will inevitably become non-existent.

I should add that I do greatly care about her and I do feel love in the sense that seeing her sad brings me pain but I just don't know what to do. It seems like I have to choose between being sexually satisfied or emotionally satisfied.

CravenMorhead · Apr 3, 2012, 02:51 PM

Have you talked to her about this and why this has happened? I know a lot of people who put on the freshman 15, some 50, and haven't really had a chance to get rid of it. To be honest it isn't surprising considering the course load of your average student.

Maybe you can work through this. Figure out why she is sedentary and overcome it.

The other option is to break up with her. It isn't the best reason to end a relationship but you have to look at your life and how it will go. Behaviour is hard to change especially when you don't want to change it. I think you're going to have a hard choice ahead of you. Sex/intimacy is a very important part of a relationship, it could be argued that it is the difference between romance and friendship.

On the one hand you have someone who you're happy with and has everything but the smoking body you're used to.

On the other had is four fingers and a thumb. Er... I mean there is the lack of attraction and the stagnating of your sex life. Which will prolong the relationship but for how long?

I think you need to talk to her and make a decision, soon rather than later for the sanity of all involved.

Mike R · Apr 3, 2012, 07:43 PM

I have tried talking to her about being lazy and working out and she just dismisses it/changes the topic to deflect it because she loathes exercise. I'm not going to say stop being lazy or I'll break up with you because it would crush her which makes it kind of worse. I know if we broke up it would absolutely crush her, she wants me to meet her parents and start doing some really serious things too and I don't want to lead her on so she thinks we're going to spend forever together if I'm not so sure about it. I could see myself being with her for a while, but the way things are going now I can only imagine what they'll be like in the future.

JudyKayTee · Apr 4, 2012, 04:33 AM

Here everything seems great and she's going out of her way to satisfy you sexually - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...ml#post3074496 You either have a high sex drive and are "gifted"... or you need extra help. I'm not sure which it is.

If you have no interest in her in the long term and that's what she wants I think you should walk away now. Why lead her on?

What would you want her to do if the situation were reversed? Keep stringing you along?

talaniman · Apr 4, 2012, 05:57 AM

If talking to her has not yielded any results, then I doubt she changes, nor should she. The real question is after 9 months of this experiment, and not seeing it advance further, then the choices are clear.

Keep talking, delaying the inevitable, or go through the hard feelings and sadness, and leave. Why prolong the agony? She may be nice, and you too, but that doesn't mean you are compatible. Or can build a relationship that lasts, especially since you don't see it.

Mike R · Apr 4, 2012, 12:02 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Here everything seems great and she's going out of her way to satisfy you sexually - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...ml#post3074496 You either have a high sex drive and are "gifted" ... or you need extra help. I'm not sure which it is.

If you have no interest in her in the long term and that's what she wants I think you should walk away now. Why lead her on?

What would you want her to do if the situation were reversed? Keep stringing you along?

Everything's great, for her. I was trying to give advice as I would to a women who is not able to have sex with her man. It was not advice aimed at a man.

It's not that I don't have interest in her long term, I did when we first met and I still see someone who is beautiful and kind inside her. I just don't know how I can deal with somebody who takes care of themselves so poorly, it reflects badly on her partner and makes the sex life substantially worse. Another problem with it is that I intend to go places in life and become a success and it really gnaws at me when I'll work from 8 in the morning until 12 at night and workout for an hour and a half in the day and she'll get up at noon and do nothing all day but eat junk food and watch TV, how can I possibly force myself to want to see a future with someone with such a poor work ethic? It would be so easy for me to want to spend my life with her if she'd just have some discipline, it sounds shallow I know, but it's hard to handle someone being so lazy when I work so hard at everything in life.

Wondergirl · Apr 4, 2012, 12:08 PM

Originally Posted by Mike R

it reflects badly on her partner

This comment (along with the rest of that post) really cuts to the chase. When it comes down to it, it's all about you, not her. For that reason, please move on and find someone who matches you in caring about health, physical appearance, work ethic, etc.

talaniman · Apr 4, 2012, 12:22 PM

Make no apology for what you want, but refrain from criticizing your partner, but do not just drag this on, just leave this as not compatible. I see no point in blaming, complaining and still staying there.

JudyKayTee · Apr 4, 2012, 12:34 PM

Originally Posted by Mike R

I just don't know how I can deal with somebody who takes care of themselves so poorly, it reflects badly on her partner ...

I don't think this is about her. I think this is about you. I know you say you're a humble person despite your advantages but you don't "read" that way.

You are unhappy. Do her a favor. Leave.

Mike R · Apr 4, 2012, 12:43 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

This comment (along with the rest of that post) really cuts to the chase. When it comes down to it, it's all about you, not her. For that reason, please move on and find someone who matches you in caring about health, physical appearance, work ethic, etc.

that's not true. I go out of my way just to make her happy, if it were all about me I'd be going to nightclubs and hooking up with random strangers 2 nights a week then kicking them out of my house. I'll do pretty much anything to make her happy, take her places I loathe, talk to her for hours when something bad happens, massage her etc. etc. all because I just want her to be happy. The sexual side is terrible for me, that's the point you are missing. If it was all about me I'd have dumped her a while ago because I don't care about how she feels but I do.

JudyKayTee · Apr 4, 2012, 12:52 PM

Sorry, but it is about you - how people will view you if your girlfriend is below your standards (or their standards). Taking her places, talking to her, massaging her, all of that doesn't mean she doesn't sense your disapproval or unhappiness - which only makes it worse for her.

Your own words trip you up - "dump" her? How about using the phrase "break up" with her?

You have no sexual interest in her? Then why are you trying to force an interest? Drag this out she'll be hurt more.

I also question your thinking - if it were about making you happy you'd be going to nightclubs, hooking up with random strangers 2 nights a week and then kicking them out?

There are relationships that fall in the middle, between living with someone who does not make you complete and picking up strangers for sex.

What happens if you decide to remain together, have a child? She gets heavier. She has less time for herself. What happens if she gets sick? What if it's serious?

I see no future in this. I'm not saying every relationship is for the long haul. She (apparently) is not the person you need to complete yourself.

Go out and find that person.

Wondergirl · Apr 4, 2012, 12:59 PM

Originally Posted by Mike R

I go out of my way just to make her happy

You don't "make" someone happy.

The sexual side is terrible for me

Like I was saying...

Mike R · Apr 4, 2012, 01:03 PM

The implication was that I'm a narcissist, which I'm not because to a narcissist everything is about themselves. Narcissistic people do not engage themselves in other people's lives for anything but their own benefit which is what many guys do just to get sex; go out and have sex with random people.

I find it quite offensive to be labelled as completely selfish when it's the farthest thing from the truth, I've gone to her grandparents house and played with her nephews, in what world is that all about me? I see this as talking to a woman who has been treated poorly by selfish men and is projecting that onto me.

My judgement goes as far as asking her to go jogging with me. I never once called her lazy, I never once called her ugly or unattractive, I try to help her by supporting her decisions without ever making any crass judgements. If you think that's selfish and all for me then we really don't need to talk. Whether I use the word dump or break up on a message board means nothing, it's just a word that I wouldn't use in real life.

Wondergirl · Apr 4, 2012, 01:05 PM

But just don't make me have sex with her.

Mike R · Apr 4, 2012, 01:06 PM

And yes I can make someone happy. This is not conceited or selfish or narcissistic or anything. When someone is not happy, you meet them, they tell you you make them happy how is that not making someone happy? I'd prefer advice from men, which it's been good so far because I know I'm not a selfish that you're making me out to be so please stop responding, it's becoming inappropriate when you two keep making assumptions and judgments without giving any actual advice.

Mike R · Apr 4, 2012, 01:08 PM

And no I don't want to have sex with her because she's lazy, it's not a choice I make, it's a biological reaction. I have no control over it, how does that make me a selfish person?

Wondergirl · Apr 4, 2012, 01:08 PM

Sorry, no one can make anyone happy.

I am responding only to what you write.

Mike R · Apr 4, 2012, 01:13 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Sorry, no one can make anyone happy.

I am responding only to what you write.

Well it's just not true, maybe that's your experiences in life, but it's not true one bit and I'd get into the bio-psychology but it's clear what your stance is here.

JudyKayTee · Apr 4, 2012, 01:38 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

But just don't make me have sex with her.

- or introduce her to my friends because she's not up to my standards as a humble man, "the kind of person that gets compliments and women try to contact me quite frequently without trying," without vanity, considerate of others, gifted in bedroom-associted activies and good at "pleasuring" women.

Must be a rough life, trying to find someone worthy.

JudyKayTee · Apr 4, 2012, 01:40 PM

Originally Posted by Mike R

And no I don't want to have sex with her because she's lazy, it's not a choice I make, it's a biological reaction. I have no control over it, how does that make me a selfish person?

Staying with a person you don't want to have sex with because she's lazy (or, for that matter, for any other reason), not leaving the relationship to be with the other women who try to contact you without you even asking, that's what makes you selfish.

Nice of you to try to help her by shaping her up, but I don't think it's going to happen.

I think a man or two is going to come along - in fact, let me go and find one for you.