[macbo914]

I got pregnant seven months ago, and I had an abortion with my boyfriend's full support while we were in different cities for three months over Christmas time. After the abortion I struggled as he sort of deserted me emotionally, but now we are back on track and stronger than we ever were previously.

The only problem is, he doesn't want to have sex again until he is ready for children, which may be 5-10 years away. Sure, we can do other things, but actual intercourse is the one act during which I feel he is not distracted by things like study. He doesn't trust BC or condoms, or even two forms of contraception.

He never wants me to go through the trauma of abortion again, and I am grateful that he cares that much about me and our relationship. He is perfect in other respects, but I don't think I can go without that level of intimacy for such a long period. I am also unsure this fear of his will be resolved when we are finally in a position to have children.

Any advice for how to encourage/support him?

[Pettisbel]

Try to turn him on, aim for his soft spots and do it right after your period. Make sure you have a condom!

[joypulv]

Turning him on? Ummm...
Anyway, I would try the scientific approach first. Get as many facts as you can online about success and failure rates of each kind of birth control. The patch might be best, from what I read (short of having tubes tied, and both have a very tiny failure rate, so be honest about it). Second I would address the period when he abandoned you emotionally. You say you are stronger than ever, but there might be this elephant lurking. He might be guilty, confused, and angry at what he didn't understand. Tell him every little detail about what it was like and how you came through it. Give him plenty of room to talk about his feelings, something he probably didn't get to do before.
Other than that, I see no reason why you can't substitute objects for a penis and have all sorts of sex that could be gratifying for you. Don't rush him, talk it out, and try to find alternatives while you wait, whether it's 5 months or 5 years.

[macbo914]

I think any possibility of failure rate is too high for him. We have talked about the abortion and his feelings surrounding that, and he does feel a little guilty but his main worries are about getting pregnant and having to put our relationship through that again.

I am willing to wait for him, but he doesn't see the lack of a sex life as a problem, and I don't get the same emotional fulfillment from alternatives. I have also heard issues such as this are not always resolved after marriage, and wonder if he may need to talk to someone who has professional experience with these issues.

Thanks for the help :)

[talaniman]

On one hand, your needs, on the other, his concerns. Maybe you both could benefit from talking to some one, and he should be going with you to talk with your doctor when you go. He needs facts to over come his fears.

You must be patient as he does fight to overcome them. You also should not pass over his concerns at all or be distracted by your own sexual frustrations, as this is the perfect opportunity to address real concerns TOGETHER!

Please keep talking, and working together.