[AthenaT]

I've been feeling really detached from the few people in my life right now so I figured I'd give this a try.

I don't know what to do anymore. I've been trying for years to get out of this perpetual haze I always seem to be in and nothing ever works. I just feel like I'm mechanically going through motions, whether it be a hobby that I'm trying to learn or even a book I'm trying to finish. I feel like an empty shell. I have no feelings most of the time and I can't focus on anything. It's really starting to make me feel anxious that I feel this way. I'm not even thinking about anything to distract me. It's just like there's too much noise going on in my head.

Sometimes, people talk to me and I forget I'm supposed to be listening to them or something... One second I'm paying attention to the conversation and before I know it, I've totally blanked out.

I've also been very socially paranoid and anxious for most of my life and I had gotten a handle on it while I was in university, but now it seems that I can't talk to people correctly again. Everything I say sounds awkward and people look at me strangely. To be honest, I don't feel any desire to talk to anyone and I'd actually rather not interact with people most of the time; I attempt to make conversation with others because I feel that I should. I feel almost guilty when I have a social interaction that goes awkwardly and I can't help but to think about it and worry about it for hours.

Despite my attempts to make myself better, it seems that I'm only becoming more depressed/empty feeling. I've been to see several therapists and doctors over the years and no one could ever really help me. I was at my worst about a year ago when I felt like killing myself for months straight and eventually admitted myself to a psych unit because I couldn't stand always seeing the vivid visualizations of killing myself anymore.

Since then, I've taken to doing all kinds of exercises to try to make all of my problems better (depression, anger, anxiety, worrying, lack of motivation, self loathing) such as these therapeutic books my most recent therapist suggested as well as meditation, yoga, reading and knitting. It could be that I don't have enough motivation to make any of the suggestions work. I am driven to get certain things done though when they pertain to my career or relationship. I guess I just don't care enough about myself to make myself better, as bizarre as that idea is.

I feel exhausted all the time and it's such an effort to get out of bed in the morning. I lie there thinking, what is the point.
I was prescribed antidepressants but stopped taking them because they didn't help even after months and they made me feel more socially anxious to the point where I would feel panic at the prospect of being around another person. My sister's psychiatrist thinks she has borderline personality disorder and she's on Paxil, but it doesn't seem to be working for her because she still isolates herself from everyone and she's still cutting herself.

I hate myself for the way I am and I just want to be better so that people around me don't have to suffer. All I want to do with my life is help the people I care about and the people I don't know but who need help. But I can't do that if I am this way. I feel like such a worthless, boring, empty failure of a person. I even hate myself for what seems like self pity. I wish that I could come to know myself and love myself but I can't seem to start finding out how. How do I erase habits that have been formed over my whole life if I don't even have the willpower to?

[Lewis1333]

Hello:
Yes you do have a very serious problem and if medical doctors have ruled it out as being a medical problem and the counseling did you know good I have a recommendation for you, But first I want to tell you that you are not alone I myself had most of the symptom you are describing and I dealt with my problems in a religious way but that is not the only answer. My recommendation is to look up free meditation classes online join a group and get close to some body so they can help you without everyone knowing what you are going through you need to meditate 3 times a day without fail, Now please don't say you can not meditate because that is exactly what you are doing when you worry about all of these things. What you need to do is make meditation your hobby and when you meditate do not just think about yourself think about children and adults that are going through the same type;s problems you are and how many might just end there life's if it were not for what you will be becoming. Learn to meditate it's easy and make your goal at least to start with about maybe your sister and being able to help her once you learn to deal with the problem and it will give you the will power to do this because you can not only help her this condition is common and there are 1000's of people you can help once you learn to cope. I promise the meditation will make your life bearable at first and before you know it you will be in a wonderful state meditation is powerful and if you need help contact me I will make meditation dvd for you and you specific problem, I will help you never think you are alone because I was just like you a few years ago. Please contact me if you need me. Rev Lewis Bowman

[JudyKayTee]

I think you have more will power than you know. You've posted here, a lengthy but comprehensive, well explained, well written post. That takes concentration and sticking to the task at hand.

There are many medications available for depression. Sometimes it takes a combination of two or more. Has your Physician tried switching you around?

Does exercise help you - and I know when you feel rotten the last thing you want to do is exercise!

I think you refer to a career - what do you do (if you don't mind sharing)? Do you enjoy it? Are you good at it?

Sometimes an outside interest helps - and, again, when you feel rotten who wants to search out a hobby? It is a thought, though. I smiled at the suggestion that you learn to knit - I tried learning to knit once. I can have the attention span of a gnat and thought it was absolutely mind numbing. Others (including people on AMHD) think it's great "therapy." I do read for pleasure and I also write - published once and still knocking on doors.

I admire the way you've expressed yourself here - and I'm not just saying that. Do you have a writing background?

[AthenaT]

Thank you for your kinds words, Judy. I used to write a lot in high school but a lot of the things I used to do sort of just fell out of habit when I went away to university. I do exercise too and it does help; it's just really hard to even lift a finger when you're feeling like that, but I do try.

I'm studying to be a physiotherapist and I do enjoy it although at times, it's hard to keep on task and concentrate on what needs to be done, but that will come with practice and patience.

I've gone off the medications because of the weird side effects that they caused me... I'd rather do without the medication because I'm a bit apprehensive about all of these foreign chemicals; the doctors don't even really know what they do to us. It's just that this way, it takes a lot more effort on my part to get better and stop these delusional thought processes.

It really helps to see that other people understand my problem and that my feelings are not unique. Thank you for your offer to help me with the meditation, Lewis. I've been trying to make that a regular part of my daily routine but it's a thing that takes a lot of concentration and dedication because you can't see the results right away. I'd gladly take your advice on that if you would be willing to help me and make a practice for me. I think it would help me to understand what I am feeling and how I can change it or deal with it better. I find it hard to define who I am sometimes and how I'm supposed to be but it helps to know that some other people have been the way I am and have found out how to come to accept it somehow.

[Wondergirl]

Are there any opportunities in your area to volunteer at an animal shelter? There's nothing like building self confidence as when being with shelter critters--walking dogs, brushing and socializing cats, and meanwhile interacting with other volunteers doing the same thing. Or maybe you'd have more fun volunteering at a hospital or nursing home. Patients like to be read to or even just have a friendly chat with someone and remember happier times.

Or check with your local library to find out if they have a writers' group. Join it, or if they don't have one, start one. (I'll be your mentor :))

[AthenaT]

I've recently begun volunteering at an elderly residence home and I do find it rewarding. So many happy smiles when I can give them a break in their day and I even give massages because there are a lot of patients in this nursing home who have very late stage Alzheimer's and dementia so they don't get to have much human contact that often. It's actually not that depressing although I thought it would be at first. The animal shelter idea is a good one too. I will look into that when I get more settled; at the moment, my living situation is uncertain because of family issues, but I look forward to doing all of these things :)

[JudyKayTee]

I myself volunteer - I get more out of it than "they" do.

You really should do something involving writing - I think you have a gift.

[corn_snowflakes]

"I feel exhausted all the time and it's such an effort to get out of bed in the morning. I lie there thinking, what is the point. "
>yah, I feel the same sometimes. Or.. I think I've been through what you're on right now.
How did I cope? Watch any random movie, then analyze it. Hmm.. I can't think of anything specific right now (oh crap)
anyhow, the guy above is right. You have a talent in writing. Well, you express yourself good in your writing there. I have had problems with having conversation with other people, which I thought of as pointless; therefore I wrote everything I feel on a notebook. Then read it again after sometime and get to observe myself, and see where am I wrong.. it's like getting a more detailed picture of you.
I also tried running.. or jogging. *w/e u call it
you'd get to appreciate nature, and after that, you'd feel more alive. Trust me.
I really have no idea if what I'm saying makes sense to you, but you'll see it. There's more to life than just how you feel. Think about it.