[loveable]

I have been dating this guy for one month and a half and it was going quite well. He used to tell me that he really liked me and that he got attached to me already. He also used to text me everyday when he wakes up till we fall asleep. However, once he asked me if I would care if I saw him with another girl and I told him that I wouldn't give a **** (I thought that he was trying to tell me that he went out with another girl and I didn't want to look weak or anything). Then the following week he didn't text or anything and when I asked him what was wrong he said nothing but then I insisted and he said "you said you don't care the last time we went out, so why should I talk to you?" I explained that it wasn't what I meant but he said that I showed him that I didn't care about him. Now he doesn't want to talk or hang out. What should I do? I really like him and want to continue going out with this guy

[Celesto]

I would say if he is not taking your calls then write him a letter. Explain to him that your response was just a defence mechanism to not be hurt. He needs to see your vulnerable side and that you actually do care about him. Insist that you are sorry and that you never meant to hurt him in any way and that you would really like a second chance to prove it to him.

[loveable]

I texted him and stuff like that and asked him if he changed because of that but he said no. He said sorry I was being relax. But still he stopped texting the following day that I told him that because the day before he was texting me at 2 am and telling me that he wanted me with him. He talked to me once this week but that is all. I want to meet up with him :(

[odinn7]

Sounds to me like he has found someone else and was just using this as an excuse.

Try to talk to him but don't go crazy over it. There are plenty more guys out there and it's not worth all the stress for this one.

[loveable]

That is what I thought too odinn7 but we hanged out on Wednesday and he stopped texting from Thursday therefore I think that it was impossible for him to find someone by the night

[odinn7]

Maybe he already had someone in mind and went right for her... could be why he asked you that question in the first place. If you think about it, it is a kind of stupid question to be asking someone, isn't it?

Personally, I think you're wasting your time with this guy and should look for someone else. You can do better.

[Cat1864]

I think he sounds insecure and wanted you to fawn all over him and tell him that you wouldn't be able to go on if you saw him with another female. That type of answer would have boosted his ego and would have encouraged more questions along those lines because he is looking for you to make him feel more secure. Unfortunately that tends to backfire and the more you try to make him feel secure the less secure he will feel. It's a vicious cycle.

I think you are lucky you found out now that he isn't as secure in himself as he might want you to think. You may feel like you messed up, but you didn't. He did. He asked a question and couldn't handle the answer. That is his problem. He tried to make it yours.

Be realistic when you think about wanting to be in a relationship with this male. Do you want to have to baby his ego at the risk of losing yourself? Do you want to jump through hoop after hoop to prove you 'care' about him? Do you want to put up with the temper tantrum/silent treatment every time you upset him?

I will be honest and say that it took me several months and three tries before I finally learned that my own self-confidence meant more to me than a boyfriend's.

Good luck with any decisions you make. No matter what happens it is a learning experience.

[odinn7]

Ok, I have to say that the answer that Cat gave is the one I should have given... lol. That is a great answer and seems to make a lot more sense.

[loveable]

He admitted that he had a low self esteem before but that doesn't mean that nobody should go out with this guy. Everybody is insecure of himself at some point or another I think :s

And talking about self confidence, he also asked me how I choose him from other guys that wanted me :O

[Cat1864]

I am not saying that no one should go out with him. What I am saying is that the person who does needs to understand that his self-esteem issues are not her problems to fix.

The 'self' part of 'self-esteem' is very important. Feeling secure, happy, lovable, etc. all come from what is inside the person. Other people in the person's life enhance the feelings that already there. They do not and cannot create them.

While people do go through times of low self-esteem, it does not excuse how they treat others especially if they know how low their self-esteem is. I have found that many people who tell me they have low self-esteem do so to rationalize their own bad behavior. They play the 'poor, pitiful me' card in an attempt to make someone else responsible. However, they are responsible for their own lives, actions, and reactions.

You should not allow someone to make you feel bad about yourself so that they feel better about themselves. You can offer a hand up. Helping someone is a big self-esteem boost. However, you should not allow them to pull you down. They have to do the work.

This may be hard to hear, but he needs to develop his relationship with himself before he tries a relationship with another person.

I have looked at your other threads and there seems to be a pattern developing of you getting involved with males with self-esteem issues. Do you really want another boyfriend who makes you the scapegoat for his issues. If you look back on the relationship with the male who abused you, how did that relationship start? I am guessing you didn't see the small red flags before they became much larger. With this current male you have the chance to see those small red flags.

Tell me how do you feel about yourself? What do you do that helps encourage your own self-esteem to grow?

A boyfriend should encourage and enhance those feelings instead of making you feel like a failure because you didn't answer a question the way he wanted.

[loveable]

Yes you are right and thanks for your advice it does really make perfect sense thanks for your time really I appreciate! But he has a lot of problems he has no control over from when he was young (family issues etc) but he seems like a really nice guy from the month and a few we dated and when compared to my ex I see the difference as he respected me. Is there any way I can make it work with him?

[loveable]

Previously,

I was going out with a guy for one month and a half and it was going quite well. He used to tell me that he really liked me and that he got attached to me already. He also used to text me everyday when he wakes up till we fall asleep. However, once he asked me if I would care if I saw him with another girl and I told him that I wouldn't care (I thought that he was trying to tell me that he went out with another girl and I didn't want to look weak or anything). Then the following week he didn't text or anything and when I asked him what was wrong he said nothing but then I insisted and he said "you said you don't care the last time we went out, so why should I talk to you?".

From then the contact decreased and he stopped texting me but now after 2 months he sometimes talks to me on msn and he likes my photos and comments on my posts on Facebook. Last time he asked me if I was going out and where and I didn't tell him and he asked for 3 times. Then he told me "don't you think that it is better for you if you stay quiet and take care of yourself tonight with the guy you are going out with?" I don't get what he wants exactly...

[talaniman]

He wants plenty of lavish undivided attention, reassurance. He is insecure. You know, like a big spoiled kid.

[loveable]

We met again and he was okay but now he is acting the same, cutting of every conversation and stuff. What is wrong with this guy?