[ForeverZero]

Met with my ex for coffee today, talked for 3 hours. It was fantastic. She's reaching most of the same conclusions I am, and is not opposed to the idea of trying things again, she wants to do her own thing for a bit longer, and also wants to explore her options. Have another date set up next week, hopefully, things will go well.

[ForeverZero]

Met with my ex for drinks yesterday, we ended up talking for 3 hours. Mind you none of what I'm posting here is the product of me coaching her. She's said that she's beginning to go through a process of a lot of personal growth. She realizes she spends too much time running from the problem and hoping it goes away, and realizes it doesn't work. She also indicated that just recently is when she started being capable of separating me from the situation of the relationship. She basically acknowledges that the problems in the relationship weren't the product of my personality, just that it's what happens when people are backed into a corner.

One of the other key developments is that she also believes that she didn't leave me, she left the relationship. AKA she didn't want to leave, she needed to. That's an unhealthy relationship, both of us are aware, but neither one of us was interested in hurting each other, we just couldn't find out how to get our points across. We wanted the same things but didn't know how to get them.

She wants to keep me in her life, but at a distance for the time being until she figures things out more. She hasn't ruled out the idea of reconciliation either, although she's hesitant to comment on it.

So my question is, does this sound to you guys like there's a potential for something real to happen again? I realize most of the people would say that I'd be wise to let it go and wait for her to come to me, but on the other hand, she said she hadn't called to talk in a while because she felt bad after what she'd done, and assumed I'd never want to talk to her again. So out of sight is out of mind, particularly for somebody that's as meek as she is right now. Thoughts or advice?

[LBP]

Sounds like you're hanging your hopes on something that has a very real possibility of falling through... Good luck!

[Skell]

I think you'd be wise to let it go and move on with your life.

Although she may well be genuine in what she said to you it appears as though as she wants to keep you at arms length so she can go either way. If someone else comes along she can completely leave you and move on, or if not she always has you there waiting for her.

I wouldn't be waiting.

My honest opinion here is that I only see more pain for you. You keep making excuses for her, as you have done from the start here. The simple fact is that she broke up with YOU and the relationship. There were reasons for it and most probably justifiable reasons, whether you see them or not.

As I said I only see more pain for you. I see you waiting and waiting and trying and trying. It may get her back at some stage but it will most likely not work again.

Do you want to got through all this again?? Or do you want to move on and begin being truly happy again?

[shygrneyzs]

She wants to keep me in her life, but at a distance for the time being until she figures things out more. She hasn't ruled out the idea of reconciliation either, although she's hesitant to comment on it.

You could keep her in your life but at a very safe distance and not wait around for the tide to change. Continue with your life as you have been without her. You do owe that to yourself. I see this as a fishhook without the bait, it is dangling out there, so that you are aware, but nothing on it.

Continuing with your life, getting emotionally healthy, meeting other people, the list goes on, is your main concentration. Who is to say what can or cannot happen with your ex? Who is to say that the hardships from the past cannot come back in a different form and totally mess you up? To be fair to the other side of the coin, who is to say that the lessons learned from the past cannot be the light of understanding to your future?

But I honestly would not hang around waiting. It is like fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. What happened before can happen again and I would not want to see you hurt again.

There is such a thing as fatal attraction - emotionally fatal. Take care of yourself first.

[ForeverZero]

Oh, I'm not waiting for her. I'm keeping my options open and getting out there and meeting other girls, just as she's doing the same with other guys. But this sort of indicates, emotionally, she's precisely where I thought she'd be. This also indicates that if she hits the rest of the maturing process, she'd probobly realize what I've been saying all along. She caused more problems trying to avoid the problems then I did trying to solve them. I feel mostly like she's to blame for a lot of our problems, and it stems from her refusal to acknowledge them. Ignorance is bliss, up to a point. She did say that despite that fact that she couldn't figure out how to be there for me and help us out, she wanted to be.

Leaving a person and leaving a relationship are two different things. Leaving me would mean that there's acompatability issue between me and her, and more likely than not, would never get solved. Leaving a relationship is a different animal altogether. The best analogy I can give, and it's home made, so I copyright it and none of you sukkaz steal it, would be this.

It's like pieces of a puzzle, there's two kinds of emotional pain you can cause a person. The first, and most common kind, is when you take two pieces of the puzzle that don't fit together, and you try to force them together. The only solution is to take them apart, and that's what makes it better. The other kind of emotional pain you can cause a person is when you take two pieces of the puzzle that fit together, and try to put them together the wrong way. The only solution there is to take them apart, and look at them to see how they might fit.

I feel like we've been at the second point for a while now. I don't think she's the one and we'll be together forever or whatever, but I do think that the way we tried to fit together was doomed to fail on day one, and I'd like to see if it gets further if we try it the right way. I'm not hanging on to the idea that it'll be forever true, but I do think that there's more to our connection than we allowed to happen the first time around.

[shygrneyzs]

Good for you. You got your head on straight. Sometimes it is easy to lose some focus. Glad to see you know what is what. And you are right about her remaining a part of your life - all exes are part of our life, no matter what. It is part of our history.

Take care.

[kaitou]

I think you're in denial right now. Despite the fact that you're saying you're not waiting for her, it really really seems like you are, from what you've just posted. Re-read what you posted and maybe you'll see what I mean.

And please please please don't try anything with any other girls until you truly moved on, I really don't want to see another person hurt.

What I'm saying might be completely wrong, because you're the only person that's know what's going on. You're the only person that know what you're thinking, what you really want. But I'm just pointing out the possibility of you denying that you're still waiting for her.

From grey's anatomy ^__^ (sorry I just re-watched the whole serie)
"We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth right in front of our faces.

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the a** . And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?"

[ForeverZero]

Denial would be if I said this relationship was great, and she's coming back to me any minute now. Denial is believing she's totally thrilled at the idea of getting back together. Denial is thinking she broke up with me to teach me how to be better for her. Denial is thinking if I just wait another month she'll be back. Denial is thinking if I just fix all my problems she'll be back.

I don't think I'm in denial. I'm looking at the facts. She thinks about me every day. She misses me enough to come and have a conversation with me and say this. She had every opportunity to leave the conversation at day to day crap. She chose to talk about the relationship. She chose to tell me she felt those things listed before. She chose to tell me about her rebound guy, and was clearly bothered by my rebound girl. She also made no attempts at keeping me on the hook for no reason, she declined to talk about getting back together.

Those facts tell me she's not over it. That's step one. If she decided she was over it, this conversation would not have happened, and she wouldn't say those things. That's the easy part, nobody is really over a 2 year relationship in 3 months. The hard part is when she came to the conclusion that she needed to do a lot of work on herself without me prodding her. That's hard stuff to realize all by yourself. I don't think I'm a fool for believing in her, but I do think that it's foolish to cling to something that doesn't exist. I'm not clinging, but something does exist. What it is, I want to find out.

[ForeverZero]

I'd also add, that I'm also looking seriously at the possibility that, let's say she comes back tomorrow, we date for a few weeks and realize it'll never be the same. Or we'll never feel that way again. Or we're having the same fights over again. Those are all real possibilities, but I feel like a relationship is over when it reaches its natural end. Those are natural ends, and this is not.

[Skell]

I don't think you are looking at all the facts! But good luck in whatever happens!

[LBP]

YOu don't seem to be taking into the account that she's a pretty cowardly person... She may be doing a lot of this just because she thinks it's what you want and what will make you happy... TO translate, that she's doing it because she thinks it will keep you from being hurt.

Don't assume what she tells you is the truth... Look at what she does.

But, like we've said, only you can know. Do what you have to do.

[ForeverZero]

I thought about that for a while, but she's done her fair share of being a coward. She strikes me now as somebody that's attempting to take charge. She spent the better part of 20 minutes explaining to me, maturely, how sorry she was that she "didn't have the balls to tell" me about the other dude. I doubt she's the spineless person that broke up with me, but I'm also taking that into consideration. Keep them coming.

[Skell]

You say how happy you have been since it ended and how you have been enjoying life without her. And she has been doing the same.

Why then do you want to go back to something that you didn't enjoy and didn't work?

Why are you even focusing so much on all of this? Why don't you just keep going down the path that was so great? Or wasn't it as great as you were making out? Have you really wanted her to change her mind and come back all along?

[s_cianci]

I wouldn't build my hopes up. People will tell you, it ended for a reason. You can stay in touch if you like but I wouldn't build my life around the prospect of eventually reconciling. Work on yourself now and live your own life for you, not for her or anyone else.

[kaitou]

You basically made up your mind before you posted here. From what I'm seeing, you believe she changed, and are willing to give her a try if the opportunity arises.

The act of making a topic about reconciliation is a sign of you waiting for her.
The act of you analyzing her is a sign of you waiting for her
The act of you figuring out what's going on in her head is a sign of you waiting for her.

You're still clinging onto something with her. Real or not. If I was in your position, I think I'll be really confused, and would be dying for closure. So here are my questions to you:

I realize most of the people would say that I'd be wise to let it go and wait for her to come to me

What if she never comes to you? Will you be able to move on with all those positive thinking in your head?

And

What if she does? What problems could arise if you try things out with her again? Will you really be able to let go of all those things that happened before the break up and after the break up? Will you be able to trust her as much as before? Will you be willing to put in the effort of helping her fix her problems and problems between the two of you?

[ForeverZero]

It's not better. It's easier. One thing I refuse to do is go back into the old relationship and fix everything. That won't work. We skipped a critical step in that relationship, and it was the first one, where you build that comfort zone that allows criticism to be constructive, not destructive. The only way it'd work out between us is if we took it slow and steady from step one. Not running back to the same old thing, starting over again.

I didn't hate being in that relationship. Nobody sits there for 2 years when they hate it, and other things have come along. I chose to stay in it because I liked being with her. I didn't like the bull that came with it, and from the way it sounds, that's fading away.

[ForeverZero]

That's not waiting for her. Waiting for her would be if I declined to go out with other girls. Waiting for her is telling people I'm not single. Waiting for her is dropping my life's schedule to accommodate her on the off chance she wants my time. She may dominate my thoughts, but that's expected at this stage, and she sure as hell does not dominate my actions. I've been out and about, causing trouble and stuff. Right now my heart is still hers, and nothing but time will change that.

For the time being, I'm reading people's thoughts and taking them into consideration. Yes I have made up my mind, but some people offer advice that changes it. Right now I'm open to that possibility. Thanks for all the concern though.

[kaitou]

She dominates your thoughts, and your heart is still hers...

Time will not change that, time is just time. It is what you do with time that will allow you to move on. Which you obviously do not want to at this moment.

[ForeverZero]

That is true. Time doesn't heal all wounds, it makes them easier to hide. You choose to heal them or let them fester. Sometimes Your choice pays off. Sometimes it doesn't. Right now I'm at the stage where I feel like there's a possibility, and I have to explore it. I realize I'm setting myself up to get hurt later on, but I'm also enduring the possibility of things working out. Thanks for the help.