Entire story merged
I mainly post to offer my story to help anyone else that ends up in the situation I'm in, there's really little I can do at present, but I suppose advice never hurts.
We dated for 2 years, we're both 21 in college. It wasn't a perfect relationship, but we mainly had the same fight over and over. She would do things that made me feel like I wasn't important to her, garden variety example: This dude she was seeing briefly years before we met would try to talk her into having sex with him, she'd say no, he'd flip out and call her names, and this would happen periodically, not just once, then he'd be visiting his friends on campus, and I'd ask her to stay in and hang out with me that night, and she'd rather go out and visit him, because she'd feel bad if he was looking forward to seeing her.
She has a need to please complex, which I guess is an earmark of immaturity, so she'd end up doing things like this that would hurt me. I'd explain to her that it was hurting me, nicely, and she never seemed to get the message. Then I'd get angry and probobly condescending and I probobly said some abusive things, not name calling, mostly in the neighborhood of how long before she learns that she's being exploited like this.
Other major problems with the relationship were that she'd lied to me before. About hooking up with a dude before we were dating, her defense was always "what's the big deal, it happened before we were dating?" and my problem wasn't with what she did, it was that she lied to me. Again, she felt like it was none of my business. Yes, when she lied, it was directly to the question did you do X with Y, not lying by omission.
More problems like this, but I'm sure you all get the picture, so we sort of limped along for a while, but it didn't feel like we did, because at the end of the day she made me happy and I made her happy. Maturity and insecurities ate us alive.
Week before thanksgiving she drops the old I need some space to figure things out, I pushed my panic button and played the needy boyfriend, which of course drove her further away. She ends it (over text message, I might add), and over the next 2 weeks I was trying to figure out why. She'd never give me the same answer twice. Amongst them were I wasn't dependable, she never felt good enough for me, and she felt controlled. I sense these are all biproducts of her personal insecurities.
I recently began the NC thing mostly for myself, but partially because I wanted to see how serious she was about this, in the meantime I discovered she'd recently started seeing another guy, which she denied adamantly when I asked before I actually knew. I do NC for a week and she comes at me nagging about picking up my stuff for the 3rd time, and for the 3rd time I told her to throw it away and forget about me, I won't be mad, she refuses to do this, and nags me why I won't talk about what's bothering me. I explain to her that I found out about the other guy, ETC.
This is what she tells me, and I suppose this is subject to interpretation, but I haven't believed anything she's told me from the start of this, and I actually believe her when she says things like this. She said she's dissapointed at how weak she is and didn't have the courage to come clean with a lot of things and she hates how dishonest she is with me and things like that. I explained to her that I still want her back, but she has to get all that sorted out, dishonesty and weakness have no place in a relationship, and if you never sort that out, it's been nice knowing you. She also asked what I was doing with my life, and with other girls, I sort of hammed it up a bit, but I didn't tell her anything that wasn't true. I also left out the part where my life is miserably limping along without her.
Her birthday is coming up, I screwed the pooch on last year's birthday, should I do anything this year? I was thinking a card with just a happy birthday to let her know I'm still thinking about her, but I don't want to come off as desperate and needy. Again. Advice or questions welcome.
