[raine57]

My husband and I have been together for 33 yrs and married for 27. About a month ago, I found out that he placed an ad on Craig's list for a sexual encounter, pictures and all. I found the pictures on his computer. When I asked him, he lied, then finally he told the truth, said that women did answer his ad, but he didn't go through with anything. He was definite about that, so I believed him, tried to forgive. About three weeks after I found out, we had sex.

The next day I found out that he did actually meet someone and had oral sex. According to him, it was all her. He did nothing but enjoy it on a trail in a park where we live. (This just made me feel worse that he lied and then we had intercourse.) I am so ANGRY; it is just something I don't know how to deal with. Every time he speaks or tries to make things better I just want to hurt him.

He says that he just wants to make things better and he has been since he did it (3 years ago) and thinks that I should be over it because it happened so long ago, but it is just happening to me NOW.

How do I deal with this? He told me he wouldn't fight a divorce but it's not what he wants. As for me, I have no idea what I want. I do know that I HATE feeling this angry and sick all the time. I have NO idea how to deal with all of this.

[Eilishagrah]

I am so sorry you are going through this right now, and many of us have been here before you.

Yes, for him it's old history maybe, but for you the pain is fresh and raw. He needs to be trying to understand from your point of view, but maybe somebody who cheats is a bit callous about that?

The one thing I've always firmly believed is that if someone in a marriage is unfaithful and got away with it they'll do it again. They may be unhappy in the marriage but for whatever reason don't or can't end it. Money, perhaps. Or they've been fine with marriage and just did it because they could.

From personal experience I can tell you that your anger over his cheating won't fade anytime soon, maybe never. What do you get out of staying there? Do you love him or have you been questioning it for a while? Is it finances? When you let your anger take over do you want to hurt him in a like manner?

The best thing for you to do right now is get a little distance so you can stop and think in peace about what this means for you. Keep in mind he'll be a little callous about things, more than likely, and prepare for that to hurt you because it will. Have you been feeling uncertain about the relationship? Were you happy before you found out?

Lots of soul searching needs to be done, but I'll tell you this: you will never resolve this unless you can express your feelings and be met with some remorse on his part. If he no-big-deals it, you will be hurt every time you are reminded of it.

Yup, it's getting to make or break time, and I'd make plans for either way.

[JudyKayTee]

IThe one thing I've always firmly believed is that if someone in a marriage is unfaithful and got away with it they'll do it again. They may be unhappy in the marriage but for whatever reason don't or can't end it. Money, perhaps. Or they've been fine with marriage and just did it because they could.

I'm an investigator - I get paid for surveillances when one party thinks the other is "cheating."

My experience? There are two types of cheaters - one cheats, feels terrible, either confesses or gets caught - and it never, ever happens again.

The other type is sorry when he/she gets caught, then goes on to do it again.

You need to know which type you are dealing with.

One thing I noticed - and I hear this all the time - is that you had sex some three weeks after you talked to him. Is that the frequency of your sex life? Everyone has a story but I hear all about how men get tired of asking their wives for sex... and so they go somewhere else.

I'm not saying it's right, morally or ethically, or anything else BUT I do hear it.