[Charlotte2012]

My Boyfriend of 5 years has completely lost interest in sexual activities of any kind with the exception of a bit of oral here and there, and usually when HE wants to, and only then.
Day to day trying to get his attention has become harder and harder, though he doesn't seem to think there is any issue. If I try to talk to him whilst he's on msn or Facebook or other chat sites talking to his friends, I am met with a silence, and after I push to get a response, all he does is get moody.

I've tried talking to him about it, and I get nowhere, apparently it's all in MY head and I'm making stuff that isn't 'there' be there. I asked him outright a while back if was even still in love with me, ad he said yes, of course he was, actually seemed a bit shocked that I had asked, but then things carried on as "normal"

We rarely do things together, time and money both being an issue usually, but then when I am at work, he will happily go out and spend money he says we don't have shopping in town, or meeting friends for coffee/lunch in town, or even going out for a few drinks at night with friends, including buying alcohol we 'apparently" cannot afford at home to drink with each other in front of a good movie or something.

So not only is there a total lack of sexual anything, but I am also starting to get a bit of an exclusionistic (is that even a word) thought trail in my own head.

If we cannot afford to do these things together, how do we afford to do them when I can't be there if I am working?

I talked to a mutual friend abotu this a while back and he said to raise all the issues and bring it to the forefront, so I did, and then got told off for talking to a friend about it, instead of going to him. Trying to explain that for 8 months I had tried to peel him off the computer to talk to him had no effect either.

I love him a lot, I always have, but what do I do? I honestly cannot carry on like this, I'm feeling excluded, run down, physically and mentally drained, unloved, unpretty and generally confused.

There is also a lot of "MY" when he should be saying "OURS" too...

Any suggestions please ? Anyone going through or been through the same? Like I said, I love this guy to bits, but I'm just not sure what the point is anymore :(

Charlotte

[Synnen]

Leave.

He's not quite abusive, but turning the tables of the argument on you to focus on who you talked to rather than on the issue at hand (the fact that he spends money he claims you do not have for activities together on solo activities and he ignores you in favor of chatting on the computer) is not a sign of someone who cares about you.

When my then-boyfriend chose his computer over me, it took me leaving him for him to wake up enough to realize I was extremely unhappy---even though I'd tried telling him every other way for months before I left, he wasn't hearing me.

Feel free to give him an ultimatum--but ONLY if you are willing to follow through on it. Empty threats will only weaken your position.

He may still love you and care about you, but he's not invested into the relationship at this time, and he needs to realize that you are unhappy enough to leave.

On the flip side, his spending time and money on others may be a passive aggressive way of acting out his anger and frustration with you for something as well. You need to communicate when neither of you are angry or distracted. Set a date and time with him to talk--I suggest sending an email with the proposed topics and letting him know that it's very serious and that you would like to calmly discuss it with him.

Use language in your discussion that focuses on YOU, not on HIM--otherwise you'll just make him defensive and it will spiral downhill. "I feel hurt when you go out with friends when you can't make time/spend money with me" rather than "you are always going out with friends instead of me, spending money we don't have for activities together on your solo activities". See the difference?

[Cat1864]

Does he have a job? Does he do anything at all other than go out with friends or spend time on the computer? Does he help with chores, shopping, and all the day-to-day things or does he leave them for you to do?

I do think this is more of a general relationship issue and that you need to back away from trying to get him to have sex. It isn't working and it is only frustrating and hurting you. It may also be causing some of the problems instead of 'fixing' them. Yes, you have your needs and desires, but they aren't being met by begging so don't beg.

It sounds like he has all but left the relationship. He probably does love you, but he seems to be stuck in his own thoughts and needs. He isn't trying to build a relationship with you. I don't know why or what caused the initial downward spiral, but I think he has been running away from it. Unfortunately, it seems he is running away from you, too.

Since he becomes defensive when you try to talk to him (I hope it is talking and not confronting), you might try writing everything down. Ask him to make a date to sit down and discuss finances. Together make a budget. Include personal funds for each of you and one for the couple. Make the discussion as business-like as you can. It should be simple math.

Next, build up your relationship with yourself. Do some things that help you feel good about you. It can be anything from getting a new hobby or picking up an old one to taking continuing education classes which might help you in your work. It could be giving/getting a make-over and pampering yourself for a day/night. Re-arrange the house if that makes you feel good. Get in touch with friends. Invite them over for a movie night or just to catch up. Have fun. Don't worry about him.

As you learn to love yourself and be less about looking solely to him for your social and entertainment outlet, you might find yourself looking at the relationship differently. If he sees you finding your self-confidence and having fun, he may decide to join you. If he tries to make accusations or make you feel guilty/bad for building a support system that doesn't focus on him, then you have a clearer view of his where he stands in regards to your needs being met. It may also show you if he loves you or what you do for him.

Keep the lines of communication open. Be willing to talk and compromise. However, live your life and allow him to join you instead of trying to pull him into your life or put yourself in his. Be prepared to look for a new place to live. Remember that loving him does not mean you destroy yourself. Love yourself as much if not more than you love him.

Good luck.