[Bumblebee321]

Hi. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. We clicked when we met pretty quickly and we were soon head over heels. He pursued me very heavily and sent me beautitul flowers several times, told me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me, etc. We talked about eventually getting married.

After about three months, we were practically living together. Except for a few instances of travel, we haven't spent a night apart. He still has his own place, but he spends every night and keeps most of his stuff at my house. Initially and for the first six months, we had sex almost every day. Then, it went down to maybe 3-4 times a week (which was OK with me). For the past 4 or 5 months, it's been less frequent. Usually just once or twice on the weekends and every now and then during the week. This concerns me. Also, for most of our relationship he's had trouble either finishing or sometimes even staying hard. A few times I've worn sexy lingerie and he's been unable to keep it up. He does take some depression medication, so that could play a part, but when we were first together he never had any problems.

Also, he's admitted to struggling with porn (before we were together). He still looks at it but he says not very often. He also has only female friends and has remained friends with ex-girlfriends. His best friend is a girl he dated several years ago and was intimate with. He spends some time with her but, like I mentioned, is in my bed every night, so I'm not worried that he's cheating. I do know, however, that he goes on Facebook and Myspace every day and looks at pictures of girls that he's had crushes on. He also had pics on his comp of one of his female friend's booty. Lots of (clothed) booty pics. He admitted to me before that she's cute and if he hadn't been with me first, he could have seen himself with her to "fix" her. I've talked to him about it since and he said he's not attracted to her and would never be with her.

Is all of this normal and could it be contributing to our decreasing sex life? I know he loves me and he's still very affectionate. He cuddles with me every night and tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful. I've confronted him on this stuff before and he says he only wants me and is more attracted to me than any other girl.

I'm just so conflicted. I love him so much and want to marry him and have a life with him, but all of these factors are making me crazy with insecurity! Anyone have any advice?

[phillysteakandcheese]

Despite the expectation that “guys are horny all the time”, there really are times when a guy is too tired or mentally worn out to very much…

However… This guy says he loves you and only wants to be with you, and yet is still on his computer every day looking at pictures of women he is attracted to!

While he is physically committed to you and he says he only wants you, I'm not so sure he's fully committed the rest of himself to a relationship with you. It's up to him to decide that he is with you physically, emotionally, and sexually… And in my opinion at least, that means he should no longer be checking out an endless variety of racy images on his computer on a daily basis.

Is he really “just looking” at those pictures, or is he sitting there and delving into some fantasy about them? A fantasy that you can never live up to, and that is translating itself into a lack of interest in the bedroom?

I would talk to him, and tell him how you feel about his addiction to the computer images.

You both have choices to make about what is acceptable in your relationship.

[Bumblebee321]

Despite the expectation that “guys are horny all the time”, there really are times when a guy is too tired or mentally worn out to very much…

However… This guy says he loves you and only wants to be with you, and yet is still on his computer every day looking at pictures of women he is attracted to!

While he is physically committed to you and he says he only wants you, I’m not so sure he’s fully committed the rest of himself to a relationship with you. It’s up to him to decide that he is with you physically, emotionally, and sexually… And in my opinion at least, that means he should no longer be checking out an endless variety of racy images on his computer on a daily basis.

Is he really “just looking” at those pictures, or is he sitting there and delving into some fantasy about them? A fantasy that you can never live up to, and that is translating itself into a lack of interest in the bedroom?

I would talk to him, and tell him how you feel about his addiction to the computer images.

You both have choices to make about what is acceptable in your relationship.

Thank you for your response!

I've talked to him about the computer images. Even brought up the looking at the girls he's attracted to, without telling him that I know for certain he's doing it (didn't tell him I saw his comp history). He denied it. I guess he doesn't do it every day, but close to it (several times a week). I've brought up all of my fears - that I'm not doing it for him and he's not attracted to me, that he holds onto these female friends because it excites him, our decreased sexual activity, etc. - he says he hasn't been in the mood because he's depressed and he doesn't feel like he deserves to do things that make him happy, sex being one of them.

My theory is that he's trying not to look at the pictures because he wants to love me and be with me. But I think you may be right - subconsciously, he can't fully commit his whole self to me.

My big issue right now is whether to bring this up again and sound like an insecure, broken record. What if my insecurities are getting the best of me and I'm making this into a bigger deal than it is? I don't want to ruin our relationship because of that.

[jenniepepsi]

He obviously loves you... and is very devoted...

How would he react if you flat out told him that you are sad for this.

Not arguing that he did or did not look at the pictures... but just say... 'you know... I am really hurt and saddened by your loss of interest in me, and the interest in those pictures'


Are you both christian?

I would suggest you watch 'Fire Proof' if you are christians. (or even if you are not christians, as long as you can keep an open mind and accept that it is a christian movie)

[Torrid13]

Definitely share your feelings with him and let him know you love him dearly and want him to be with you the rest of your life, but are having a hard time coping with his interest in other women, especially since you are supposed to be exclusive.

If he makes excuses, maybe it's time to find someone else that only has eyes for YOU.

[Bumblebee321]

he obviously loves you...and is very devoted...

how would he react if you flat out told him that you are sad for this.

not arguing that he did or did not look at the pictures...but just say...'you know...i am really hurt and saddened by your loss of interest in me, and the interest in those pictures'


are you both christian?

i would suggest you watch 'Fire Proof' if you are christians. (or even if you are not christians, as long as you can keep an open mind and accept that it is a christian movie)

Thanks for the suggestion on "Fire Proof" - I think we'll watch it. Yes, we are Christian. My boyfriend has very strongm morals and is very devoted to the church. I think the looking at girls/porn is a really struggle for him and something he feels terrible about.

We talked the other night. I didn't specifically bring up the pictures but I did tell him how I've been feeling. He said he's frustrated and wishes he could let me know how he feels.

I've decided to let go of my insecurities and focus on our relationship and making it happier and healthier. And I'll help my boyfriend through his struggles in any way I can.

As far as the sex goes, hopefully we'll break out of this slump sooner than later.

Thanks for all of the advice!

[jenniepepsi]

I know this isn't the religious board, but knowing that the OP is a christian, I don't think this should be out of line...



I think fireproof will be a perfect movie for you 2 to watch, as it has a specific focus on the fact that the main character (husband) is addicted to porn, and it is part of what is tearing his wife apart. And once he grows with god, and realises that it's a sin (at least to god and christians) he struggles hard with it and is able to overcome it.

good luck hon. Please come back and let me know how it goes :)

[jenniepepsi]

Also, do you know if your boyfriend would be interested in playing an adult board game?

If he is open to it, you both might enjoy this game. I think it is a great selection for the 2 of you. As it can help you both learn about eachothers sexual preferences and desires.

Foreplay: A Game for Lovers

Romance 101 games for adults who like to play

It is the 3rd game down from the top. And though not cheap, its not too bad, and definitely worth it if you want to make this relationship work.

[smoothy]

Let me see, practically moved in together after three months... a year later the happy, happy, fun time tapers off?

Hmmmmmmm methinks he really feels there isn't the relationship you feel there is.

[Bumblebee321]

"Let me see, practically moved in together after three months....a year later the happy, happy, fun time tapers off?

Hmmmmmmm methinks he really feels there isn't the relationship you feel there is."

Seems I've blown this whole thing out of proportion. We talked about all of this. I'm letting my insecurities get the best of me. The history on his comp of girls was from many months ago and he wasn't looking at as many as I thought. I actually went on to some of these girls' pages and he left friendly but harmless comments, some of them mentioning me. He's had female friends all of his life - he's like a gay straight guy. It I want to be with him, it's something I have to accept.

And as for the sex... I can live with two-three times a week. I researched the depression meds he's on and sexual malfunctions are some of the most common side effects. I've been overanalyzing all of his actions and reactions and willing them to mean something they don't. I think THAT, if it continued, would cause the greatest harm to our relationship.

Thanks again for all of the answers!

[smoothy]

"Let me see, practically moved in together after three months....a year later the happy, happy, fun time tapers off?

Hmmmmmmm methinks he really feels there isn't the relationship you feel there is."

Seems I've blown this whole thing out of proportion. We talked about all of this. I'm letting my insecurities get the best of me. The history on his comp of girls was from many months ago and he wasn't looking at as many as I thought. I actually went on to some of these girls' pages and he left friendly but harmless comments, some of them mentioning me. He's had female friends all of his life - he's like a gay straight guy. It I want to be with him, it's something I have to accept.

And as for the sex...I can live with two-three times a week. I researched the depression meds he's on and sexual malfunctions are some of the most common side effects. I've been overanalyzing all of his actions and reactions and willing them to mean something they don't. I think THAT, if it continued, would cause the greatest harm to our relationship.

Thanks again for all of the answers!

Glad you found the root of the problem. I wonder how many relationshiops are destroyed every year because of the insecurities of one or both partners. Yeah meds can kill libido as well as certain medical conditions... its important that they are kept under control, and that his physician is aware of the side effects he is experiencing as in many cases there might be alternate medications to treat a condition. Not all people suffer all or any of the side effects listed with any particular medication.

[louisemorris]

My boyfriend seems to be doing the same thing we've talked about having a life together. We used to have sex every day maybe even twice and he used to get turned on just by kissing me. He states that he loves me and wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

However the other day after we were intimate he said "do you think we have sex to much" and suggested we only do it on special occasions. Im worried he's losing iterest, I've tried sexy lingerie and edible body paint but nothing. Please help me I can't loose him.

[OneDude79]

My wife has almost no libido as I have said.

However, there is a fine line between some use of porn or pictures and fantasy for some additional fun, and having it dominate so much that he loses interest in the woman he should be having sex with.

I can't say he might have crossed this line, but it's possible.

[smoothy]

Did either of you notice this thread was last responded to by me on July 28 2009.. and the OP hasn't been back in the last 3 years since.