[JimmieCV]

Hi,

I am married for more than 12 Years and we have four children ages 4 to 11. As all couples we had a wonderful beginning and we are blessed with the great children.

During the years my wife completely focused on the kids and refused any outside help which we could easily effort (nanny au pair, driver etc.) I personally help me as much as possible on the weekends. My job has never changed in all the years, so I take the kids, do necessary shopping, wash and iron clothes just to reduce her workload. I cooked a 3-5 course at least every second weekend for the first 7 years, then maybe once a month. I am also the driver for going out to NYC on the weekends.

But my wife, a cancer like me, refuses in the last 6 years more and more this. Our sex life became an occasional happening. After a long period time almost 5 years ago, she said in a moment of love and tenderness, that she wanted to get another baby or she would file for divorce. We had an "agreement" at the beginning of our relationship to get 4 incl. support. But based on the huge workload and the many emotional fights she starts every weekend due to overload, I refused it first. Unfortunately, soon later she got pregnant after unprotected intercourse, which I did to make her wish come true.

However, since this I have distanced myself to her, and the increasing number of fights she starts, the yelling, screaming, and complaining over and over, isolated myself more and more. It looked to me that I wanted protect myself and the kids. Most of the weekends nowadays since 5 years, I take the children on my own on one day, and we sleep in different rooms for almost three years, as I get up early to do sports in order to get my physical energy out. Intimacy happened only once a year, none last year.

Over all this years, I was only focused on my wife. In spring last year I helped a temporary colleague to find a fulltime position in one of our businesses as she did a nice job and was a nice person. I invited her to a coffee and also to dinner, because I was very attracted to her, but it was first only to have a nice conversation about life, family etc.

Over the next 10 months the frequency of dinners increased and the depth of our talks are really hitting soul bottom. We are getting along very well and since christmas it is really a feeling of love, bringing our both lives into a very intense and difficult situation. We both cannot sleep anymore because of guilt feelings and wrongdoing feelings. In my case, my feelings are only about not hurting her, not making her unhappy and my children. I realize that I do not think of my wife in this case, as we are so distanced and that scares me. On top, as conservative, I do not feel being married, cheating etc. As I refused so many invitations by ladies in the past and I had only serious relationship in life, I know and feel, this relationship is a start of something. I cannot hug or touch my wife anymore, as I feel it is inappropriate.

As she is two years older than me and looking for getting a family started and a baby, but has some time pressure as she is 41.

Now I am looking for an advice. The obvious: I have to make a decision, and I will soon. I am not in a midlife crisis, I am positive about life, work etc. and inspire many people to enjoy life, and I want to do the same as well. People who knew me since my childhood will tell you that I am responsible, caring, thoughtful, and loving. So I do not want to hut anybody.

How to best come up with a decision, I am ready for the new person in my life, and I want her to believe the seriousness I have, she deserves a good future.

Thanks for some comments which are honest.

[JoeCanada76]

You said that you have always thought about your wife and kids, right. Have you ever had anybody take care of you? Have you had anybody give you a break? Have you ever gone on vacation or anything like this? Now I know after many years and many children the stress load on you must be mountable. Does your wife ever seem concerned about your stress load?

Another thing that scares me. Another thing that throws me off is the statement about if you do not give me another child, I am going to ask for a divorce. If this is true that is black mail, plain and simple.

Now I know everybody has there ups and downs and yes life problems get unbearable at times. I personally feel that once you get married your married for life. Now there are exceptions to that rule as well. Cheating, abuse.

So in all these last few years have there been any kind of mention of counseling of any kind. For both you and your wife. Honestly usually when there is any kind of break down of relationship it has to do with communication problems. I would say sleeping in separate rooms has contributed to your problem.

In my honest and humble opinion your part of the problem by distancing yourself from your wife. Distance and no communication is key destroyers to an relationship (marriage). So you are married as a man it is your job to try to make it work. Meaning if the communication is not there and you know there is a problem. If you have not already done this. It is best first to seek out marriage counseling. Approach your wife about going to counseling. How you feel it is important for both of you.

It is so so easy to give up right away. I think these steps should be taken right away.

To address this other person. I think it is best for you to leave it alone right now. For one you are still married. You have a comittement right now. So what you need to do is be a man and figure out what is happening in your marriage. A nice vacation would be good as well and marriage counseling is very important. If she refuses this, it is important that you seek counseling on your own. This is a very sad situation because there are kids involved. You need to think of how your kids are going to feel about the situation. Children are deeply effected because of the problems of the parents, of course they can pick up on things. They are very smart. What are your children like have they said anything, do they fight and scream a lot too? How do they feel about you and your wife as parents.

With guidance and help they will give you ideas on how to approach different areas in your life without judgement and help you look at things differently and make steps to make changes for the better.

For the time being though remember stay away from this other person. I do have hope you can over come this and even maybe get to the bottom of what is going on with you and your wife.

Communication is key.
Counseling is important.
Take the necessary steps to get to the bottom of your turmoil and your wife's.
If all else fails then you need to make a decision on what to do with your life and whether the best thing for you is to go your separate ways, this is something that you do after you have tried everything else because whatever decision you make will effect a lot of lives here. Not only you and your wife's but all of your innocent children.

Oh, and remember that any other person, say if you decide to move on. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Just remember this statement. I could write so much more. Hope this helps you.

Good luck with everything.

Joe