Should I look for immediate separation ?
Hi,
I am married for more than 12 Years and we have four children ages 4 to 11. As all couples we had a wonderful beginning and we are blessed with the great children.
During the years my wife completely focused on the kids and refused any outside help which we could easily effort (nanny au pair, driver etc.) I personally help me as much as possible on the weekends. My job has never changed in all the years, so I take the kids, do necessary shopping, wash and iron clothes just to reduce her workload. I cooked a 3-5 course at least every second weekend for the first 7 years, then maybe once a month. I am also the driver for going out to NYC on the weekends.
But my wife, a cancer like me, refuses in the last 6 years more and more this. Our sex life became an occasional happening. After a long period time almost 5 years ago, she said in a moment of love and tenderness, that she wanted to get another baby or she would file for divorce. We had an "agreement" at the beginning of our relationship to get 4 incl. support. But based on the huge workload and the many emotional fights she starts every weekend due to overload, I refused it first. Unfortunately, soon later she got pregnant after unprotected intercourse, which I did to make her wish come true.
However, since this I have distanced myself to her, and the increasing number of fights she starts, the yelling, screaming, and complaining over and over, isolated myself more and more. It looked to me that I wanted protect myself and the kids. Most of the weekends nowadays since 5 years, I take the children on my own on one day, and we sleep in different rooms for almost three years, as I get up early to do sports in order to get my physical energy out. Intimacy happened only once a year, none last year.
Over all this years, I was only focused on my wife. In spring last year I helped a temporary colleague to find a fulltime position in one of our businesses as she did a nice job and was a nice person. I invited her to a coffee and also to dinner, because I was very attracted to her, but it was first only to have a nice conversation about life, family etc.
Over the next 10 months the frequency of dinners increased and the depth of our talks are really hitting soul bottom. We are getting along very well and since christmas it is really a feeling of love, bringing our both lives into a very intense and difficult situation. We both cannot sleep anymore because of guilt feelings and wrongdoing feelings. In my case, my feelings are only about not hurting her, not making her unhappy and my children. I realize that I do not think of my wife in this case, as we are so distanced and that scares me. On top, as conservative, I do not feel being married, cheating etc. As I refused so many invitations by ladies in the past and I had only serious relationship in life, I know and feel, this relationship is a start of something. I cannot hug or touch my wife anymore, as I feel it is inappropriate.
As she is two years older than me and looking for getting a family started and a baby, but has some time pressure as she is 41.
Now I am looking for an advice. The obvious: I have to make a decision, and I will soon. I am not in a midlife crisis, I am positive about life, work etc. and inspire many people to enjoy life, and I want to do the same as well. People who knew me since my childhood will tell you that I am responsible, caring, thoughtful, and loving. So I do not want to hut anybody.
How to best come up with a decision, I am ready for the new person in my life, and I want her to believe the seriousness I have, she deserves a good future.
Thanks for some comments which are honest.
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