[JulietteClo]

Hello,

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 years, we have lived together for 3 years. There is an age gap of 15 years, he is 39 and I am 24. We have always had our ups downs over various things e.g, whether it be jealousy from my side, commitment issues from his etc the usual stuff. We had in the end met each other half way and were as happy as we could be in the relationship, whilst we still argue on occasion like any couple and I know he has his own issues and frustrations with me I have one main issue about him that I need advice on. Whilst 95% of the time we are the best of friends, he treats me like a queen, is considerate, thoughtful, sensitive and helpful there is a 5% that I'm really struggling to be patient about. He talks to me so disrespectfully when he's frustrated or angry, I know that we all talk to people more harshly when we're annoyed than when we're calm and happy but it's more than that, we could just be having a disagreement and he loses his temper very quickly and swears at me,raises his voice or on far too many occasions has called me a c**t. We had a discussion last night about an issue that has been talked and mulled over for almost all the time we've been together about something that initially I was and should rightly have been annoyed/upset about but instead he got frustrated at me for feeling the way I did and told me that if I didn't stop talking about it he was going to tell me to f**k off out the house. (It's his house). We were not arguing before this but he still so easily tells me to leave or swears at me. I am confused mainly as this has happened a lot and whilst I believe he loves me I don't believe he respects me,would you agree? We went through a bad patch in our relationship for 12-18 months just gone and whilst I was ready to walk away and end it without trying he fought tooth and nail to keep the relationship, it's things like that which confuse about his feelings! I'll be the first to admit I have made a lot of excuses for him in the past due to the horrendous childhood he suffered but I've told him SO many times that I will not stand for this attitude forever, whilst I have forgiven it so many times already. Can I get your advice/opinions please? Thank you

[Cat1864]

If this last argument started over something that has been discussed for six years and it still hasn't been resolved then I can see where there may be some frustration on his part. However, it does not excuse his behavior at other times.

There is no excuse for being verbally abusive and controlling which it sounds like he is doing. Do you ever find yourself making choices not based on likes and dislikes but on whether he is going to get mad and explode? If so, then he may be not be as nice a person as you think for the other 95% of the time. He could be using his anger as a way to get what he wants and to control the relationship.

Would you both be willing to try couple's counseling to learn better ways to handle anger and fighting? Does he acknowledge he has a possible anger management problem? If he won't go, would it help you to talk face to face with a neutral person who can help you decide what you want and need and if you are ever going to get it in this relationship?

[JulietteClo]

Thank you for your answer and advice, I guess I have sometimes made decisions based on his reaction more than my own feelings but not often (not that this makes it OK for doing it at all). We did discuss couples counselling a year or so ago when experiencing a rough patch but he is indeed unwillingly to try it, he doesn't agree with having a stranger tell you what's right and wrong for your relationship. Talking things over with a neutral person could be a good idea though, I hadn't suggested that and neither had he. I shall mull things over and have taken your advice into account, thanks so much again for taking the time to read and reply to this. Jules

[Wondergirl]

he doesn't agree with having a stranger tell you what's right and wrong for your relationship.

That's not what happens. The counselor gets each of you to do the talking to each other and makes sure the conversation is balanaced and fair and reasonable and stays on topic and establishes goals that both of you are happy with and can live with. YOU TWO do all the work.

[Cat1864]

I don't know if you can convince him, but counselors are neutral. They are not supposed to take sides or tell a couple what is right or wrong in/for their relationship. They guide a couple in finding out what the issues are and how to work through them or find compromises. It can sometimes take trying a couple of different ones to find one who both of you trust.

I hope he is open to talking to someone. Perhaps bringing counseling up may show him how negatively his behavior is affecting you.

Good luck. We're still here if you need to vent or get feedback on what you decide to do.