[ncmommy79]

My kids' father (my ex) kicked us out in March 2011 with nothing more than $50 to put gas in my truck and whatever clothes and such I already had for me and my 2 girls (ages 3 and 1). He's only seen them a couple of time since then and his only contribution to the girls is a couple of packs of diapers and pullups. On October 13th he informed me he was changing his number and is refusing to do or talk to me or the girls. There isn't a court ordered child support in effect yet since our CSE case is stuck on Locate. Can't I pursue child abandonment? I'd rather terminate his rights and not have anything to do with him rather than continue being part of his game playing.

[kcomissiong]

Jess_smith, we definitely appreciate your contribution to the forum, but in this section, you do want to answer according to the relevant law for the situation. In other parts of the site, there is more flexibility for opinions or personal stories, and they are welcomed, but you do want to be more strict with the information you provide in the legal section.

NCmommy, I am going to assume that you are in NC so I an quoting you the relevant case law.

N.C. Gen. Stat. § 14-322 (2006)
§ 14-322. Abandonment and failure to support spouse and children

(d) Any parent who shall willfully neglect or refuse to provide adequate support for that parent's
child, whether natural or adopted, and whether or not the parent abandons the child, shall be
guilty of a misdemeanor and upon conviction shall be punished according to subsection (f).
Willful neglect or refusal to provide adequate support of a child shall constitute a continuing
offense and shall not be barred by any statute of limitations until the youngest living child of the
parent shall reach the age of 18 years.
(e) Upon conviction for an offense under this section, the court may make such order as will best
provide for the support, as far as may be necessary, of the abandoned spouse or child, or both,
from the property or labor of the defendant. If the court requires the payment of child support,
the amount of the payments shall be determined as provided in G.S. 50-13.4(c). For child support
orders initially entered on or after January 1, 1994, the immediate income withholding provisions
of G.S. 110-136.5(c1) shall apply.
(f) A first offense under this section is a Class 2 misdemeanor. A second or subsequent offense is
a Class 1 misdemeanor.
N.C. Gen. Stat. § 14-322.1 (2006)
§ 14-322.1. Abandonment of child or children for six months
Any man or woman who, without just cause or provocation, willfully abandons his or her child
or children for six months and who willfully fails or refuses to provide adequate means of
support for his or her child or children during the six months' period, and who attempts to
conceal his or her whereabouts from his or her child or children with the intent of escaping his
lawful obligation for the support of said child or children, shall be punished as a Class I felon.

Is he the legal father of these children? As in, did he sign a paternity acknowledgment or was he found to be the father through court ordered genetic testing? If not, establishing paternity should be your first step. He can't abandon them unless they are legally his children. Next, abandonment is generally used as a means to an end. Upon conviction of an abandonment offense, the statute says that child support should be ordered. Abandonment is used as a means to establish child support here.

***Edit***
You may may want to petition a court to grant you sole custody instead of trying to terminate his rights. It is very rare that a court terminates parental rights unless it is to facilitate an adoption. ***End Edit*** Usually, an involuntary termination only happens when the parent is such an extreme danger to the child that they should NEVER be allowed the chance to be around them, or, because an adoption is in the child's best interest. Leaving your children completely fatherless (in the legal sense) is not in the best interest of your children in the eyes of the court. He is not exercising his rights so I'm not sure what goal you are trying to serve with a termination of them. You should petition for sole physical and legal custody and cite the abandonment as a reason for it. That will at least keep him from having the same rights as you do to take the children.

[Mommi]

Kcomissiong - your wording is a little confusing in your last paragraph. Sole custody and terminating parental rights are two different things. When my ex and I went to court in Wake county we had a chance to work out custody with a mediator. We were able to do so and therefore did not have to attend the mandatory parenting classes that you are forced to take if you cannot come to an agreement on your own. My ex was very willing to grant me sole custody, meaning my son stays with me ALMOST all the time. My ex has visitation, on a schedule we worked out with the mediator. Custody is used when you are talking about when a child stays with one parent part of the time and the other parent the rest of the time.

NCMommy79 - go to your county court house. File for both a custody hearing and child support. There are firms that will ask you to pay based on your income. When I filed I had no money and no income, and I was asked to pay only 50$ to have all the paper work done. I paid extra to have the sheriff deliver the paper work to my ex since I'm a coward and couldn't bear to do it myself. They will be able to tell you what you need to do if you cannot locate your ex, and they have the resources to help find him. Make sure you have all the information you can find. His social security, last know address, last known job, known acquaintances. Use the court system, that's why it's there.

[kcomissiong]

Mommi, I;m not sure how I was confusing, but I think that we are on the same page here. Instead of trying to use abandonment to get his rights terminated (which isn't going to happen), she should cite it as a reason for her having sole custody in her petition. She can cite it as a reason why visitation should be supervised should he pop up and decide to visit, or to limit visitation to her discretion if he is nowhere to be found. Absent an order awarding her custody (if he is the legal father) he can show up, take her child, and refuse to return the child because a court had not given her the right to physical custody. At this point, her rights are the same as his, and she should establish a custody order to change that.

So, long posting short, instead of trying to terminate his rights, she should be filing for sole custody.

[ScottGem]

NC apparently classifies abandonment as non support. Most states don't.

So in NC you can pursue this as abandonment, but what you really are doing is asking for support. If the case is being held up it might not fly.

No you won't get his rights terminated, but you may be able to not allow visitation.

Aside to kc. I can see what mommi was talking about. Your sentence: "You may petition the court to grant you sole custody but it is very rare that a court terminates parental rights unless it is to facilitate an adoption. " seems to imply that sole custody and TPR are the same. But I agree that you are giving basically the same (correct) advice.

[kcomissiong]

Scott and Mommi, I edited that posting (and noted it) to avoid any confusion and to clarify the information provided for anyone else that may search for it in the future. Hopefully, it makes more sense.

[ncmommy79]

I am in fact in NC and I have been researching abandonment. He is the biological father - he signed my oldest's birth certificate but was unavailable to sign my baby's birth certificate. I am currently working with Child Support Enforcement but even with every bit of information I gave them it is stuck as "Locate". I know that they will compel him to do a DNA swab to verify he's the father but they are taking their time doing so. I have limited income right now since I'm going to school full time and working part time but no where near what the lawyers are asking around here. He can easily afford them (lawyers and his kids) with his cushy management job but apparently his job bonuses and paychecks are meant for his new wife rather than his children. I'm actually more interested in him not being a part of the girls' lives since they have nightmares after his random occasional visits. As it is right now he changed his phone number so that I have no way of contacting him. I don't have to worry about him leaving his job since he prefers to maintain a certain luxury lifestyle. If my case is better suited for petitioning for sole custody with abandonment being the cause then I'll definitely pursue that course. I am with an amazing man right now that is being a surrogate father figure to them and he's already stated that if my ex were to lose his parental rights he would adopt them as his own. The problem is I simply don't have the money to go to court and the court in the county I'm in will not provide you with any information or resources for you to file on your own.

[ScottGem]

Check with your school. Some have law clinics that can help you prepare the paperwork.

Check with your local prosecutor. The law that kc cited can allow criminal prosecution. How long would he keep his cushy job if he were arrested.

As for getting sole custody, I would not waste time. Pursue child support. Then get Married and THEN pursue adoption.

[JudyKayTee]

What does "stuck on locate" mean? How long has it been tied up?

[ncmommy79]

Locate is child support enforcement's term meaning they are trying to find him so they can pursue paternity for my baby. He doesn't deny her; he simply did not sign her birth certificate since he was at work at the time the birth certificate preparer was there.

I am trying to file for sole custody. I live in Onslow county and they are making it difficult for me. I'm trying to figure out the best course to take. I've spoken with one lawyer (no sliding scale, flat rate) and I just emailed two additional lawyers to see if they offer a sliding scale or what their fees are.

[ScottGem]

I don't quite understand. If you know where he works, why can't they locate him?

But I still think you are wasting your time trying for sole custody now. Without a father on the birth certificate, you already have sole custody.

[ncmommy79]

I already mentioned his name is on my oldest daughter's birth certificate which makes her vunerable if he's around her. As for my youngest daughter, he didn't sign it. So what? Do I only bother going for sole custody of my oldest? If support is to be determined doesn't paternity have to be established? Like I said, I couldn't care less about the support. He's not going to pay it anyway without having his wages garnished and NC takes 10% right off the top of anything given. I'm so confused now.

[ScottGem]

But if he is not exercising his rights now the court will ask why bother getting sole custody.

Yes, if you go for support paternity will need to be established.

[Mommi]

Child support in north Carolina takes a 25$ fee every year to help offset the costs of helping women get all those lawyers and social workers to help you out. It's worth it when you realize that you're walking into a court room where there is already someone there who knows what they're doing and is there to help you through. What amount they say you will get per month for child support is what you will get. Here's one of the calculators I have used:

http://www.alllaw.com/calculators/childsupport/north_carolina/

Go and get the paper work done for sole custody. You will be grateful if you're ex suddenly gets the idea into his head to be a parent. You won't need to worry that his new wife is going to convince him that she wants the child (or in your case children) and that all they have to do is have the children in their custody and refuse to give them back.

Also, if he's still at that cushy management job it shouldn't be still stuck on locate. Go in and cry and see if they'll finally tell you what's going on.

ScottGem and kcomissiong : while the original post may be perfectly clear to you, to me it took a moment to understand and I'd hate for someone to get the wrong idea if they're coming here for help and they don't know enough to differentiate. THank you for changing it.

[ncmommy79]

I understand about the fees from child support enforcement and what they are for. I check my status @ the ncchildsupport.com website frequently to keep on top of what they are doing. You would think they would hunt him down at work but I was told they pursue a home address, addresses of friends and family, etc before they go to their place of business which I think is ridiculous. They also told me that just because I'm awarded child support doesn't necessarily mean I'll get anything. They give the absent parent a chance to provide on their own (which doesn't make since to me since if they were going to do it voluntarily they would have been to begin with)before they garnish wages and such. None of this matters to custody which is my ONLY concern at this point. I have plenty of family that helps me with my children so my kids don't lack for anything which is why support isn't a priority. If NC CSE wants to take their time then so be it since they'll back date it anyway. He's not going to provide support until forced to. What I want to know is how to go about getting sole custody for my kids. I need to know whether I need to file for both of them or file just for my oldest since his name is on the birth certificate. Am I going to have to repeat this process if CSE establishes paternity for my baby?

[JudyKayTee]

If there is no father listed on a birth certificate and there has been no acknowledgement or Order concerning paternity you are that child' ONLY legal parent. There is no need to obtain sole custody - you already have it.

If "ex" means "ex-husband" (and not "ex-boyfriend") then he is the legal father - an exception to the birth control "rule."

At the moment you would file for sole custody ONLY for the one child. After paternity is established you would request sole custody for the SECOND child.

I agree that the system is ridiculous BUT I also agree that if the father (or purported father) has no interest attempting to obtain sole custody might stir up a hornet's nest. Even if you are awarded sole custody at this time he can file at some time in the future for visitiation and/or custody.

If you have supportive family and friends why not hire a private investigator, locate whatever addresses are available, have that investigator furnish the Court/CSE with a sworn affidavit containing that information and get this back on track? (And, yes, the "system" is very often ridiculous. I have a family member in another State who has been pursuing child support for 2-1/2 years! She knows where he is, I know where he is... the Court appears confused about where he is.)

[ncmommy79]

Ex means ex boyfriend. We lived together for 3.5 years before splitting. It's been 8 months since the split. I fear the new wife is going to be a thorn in my side and push him for custody and such although surprisingly I don't really feel threatened by it. He makes no time for his children and when he does get a burr up his butt to see them it's generally at the last minute and I've already made plans or I'm otherwise unavailable (work, school, and whatnot). The last time he's seen them was 9/25 and the last time I spoke to him was 10/13 at which point he said he was changing his number and he never wanted to speak with me again. Suits me just fine. My kids are much happier without him around and seeing him greatly upsets them. My oldest got so upset by seeing him that last time that she cried hysterically saying that he scared her and then she promptly threw up all over me from crying so hard. My youngest has absolutely no recollection of him and freaked out when I tried to hand her to him. Even their doctor has recommended limited contact and referred my oldest to a therapist. So I will file for sole custody for my oldest and I think I'll just let CSE do what they want to do.

[JudyKayTee]

Good for you - usually when people post they are so bitter they won't/can't listen to reason. I trust you know you aren't going to lose custody unless you are unfit and that decidedly is not the case.

I feel sorry for your children - but keep records (how upset they are when they see him), do what is in their best interest and let us know how things play out.

Good luck.

[cdad]

Child support in north Carolina takes a 25$ fee every year to help offset the costs of helping women get all those lawyers and social workers to help you out. It's worth it when you realize that you're walking into a court room where there is already someone there who knows what they're doing and is there to help you through.

If this is actually happening in North Carolina then they are doing something illegal. They can't represent a parent in a courtroom unless it goes through the system and your getting a lawyer from the state for free. They can not provide legal advice in child support situations.

[JudyKayTee]

The way I'm reading the law is that the $25 is somehow connected with the cost of collecting the support.