[al_dj]

I am new to this website but from what I read I believe you do a great job in giving advice to those who need it.
And I need your advice too on what follows:

I'm an about 30-year-old guy who has his entire life questioned his sexual orientation. It's funny but I've come to the point where I don't recognize myself anymore. Not knowing who I really was or what I really wanted, I started experimenting with either sex too late (I first had sex with a male at 26, and with a female at 27). I don't know whether I'm bi,or gay,what to do or not to do from now on. I feel completely lost!

Well, I've fallen for several beautiful girls till now but, for some reasons, I didn't have sex with any of them. The limited sexual contacts I had with women (2-3 times in all)were more kind of quickies, which made me feel pretty tense, and not have adequate erection. I can rather easily attach to girls emotionally speaking but, at the same time, I have long been overwhelmed by performance anxiety, which has kept me far from girls, and which also has infused fear of women into me sexually speaking. And with men, I get aroused much more easily while with women oral stimulation would alleviate the problem.

With males, I have had more contacts. I tend to look at good-looking guys (just as I like to appreciate a woman's beauty). When I talk to them, and get to know them closely, I start not to think about them sexually. Since I haven't been in a relationship, I had several quickies with males recently but I felt empty after each sexual experience, asking myself "IS THAT ALL?". It seems that I only like them from a distance or in my thoughts but no real sexual contact, or physical touch!
Now, I've decided that there's no point in having sex with men at all, which I don't know whether will have any influence on my contact with girls.

It's high time I started settling and creating a family [which I really like] but I'm positive that I don't want such a thing with a male(though I get aroused more easily with them sexually). I have never thought of having a male partner in marriage!

Some advice on your part would considerably help.

Thanks a lot!

[Cat1864]

In all honesty, it sounds like you haven't met the one person you want to settle down with.

Where do you normally meet people you want to ask out? How much time do you spend getting to know a person before having sex with them? Once you get physical, do you still try to build a relationship or run away?

If you find yourself meeting the same type of people or creating a pattern, try something different. If you normally meet people at bars/pubs/clubs, then try getting involved in activities you are interested in learning more about and meeting people you want to be friends with.

Get to know people of all types. Don't limit yourself to people who look a certain way. Sometimes the person who is the best fit for us is totally opposite what we were looking for.

Relax. If you are stressing yourself out about meeting people, sexuality, relationships, etc. it will affect how you interact with others and how they perceive you. Be yourself. Take your time. Have confidence in who you are and let it show. There is no rush to start a 'family' at any age.

[Fr_Chuck]

I don't see any relationship that is long term, and any that has emotional ties. What I see is just quick sex for sex and nothing else.

If just sexual contacts with no long term goals is your life style and you can accept that.

Perhaps you need to look deep at what long term goals is,

You are gay if you want and have desire for sex with men only, you are bi if you can enjoy and have desires for sex with both.

But in the end, if you want a long term relationship you have to find one person and commit to them without having sex with anyone else

[al_dj]

Hey, Cat1864.. Thank you for your answer!

Well, I usually get in touch with males on the Internet (by going at sites, basically for gays. The problem is that I can't help doing that), while I get to know females mostly in a language center where I teach in the evening. For example, there is a student girl I really like [she's attending an intensive one-month course with me] but I'm afraid to ask her out and let her know that I would like to know her better.
All this because of the above-mentioned performance anxiety, which, I believe, has also made me less confident in the eyes of girls.

I'm 100% sure that I want something lasting and stable with a female, not a male. I've met very interesting guys but I've never thought about settling with any of them. I mean it's just sex, and that's all! As a result, that leaves me empty anyway...

Whereas, with females it's the other way around. I don't look for quickies but a relationship!!

Should I stop seeing guys altogether, as sex with them is not properly fulfilling me?
Isn't there a reasonable solution to my state or condition?


P.S. In my country, that a male should talk about his bisexuality to his female partner is almost inconceivable, as, generally speaking, she won't tolerate such a thing. Then this fact prevents the male from being open to her, which in turn affects the male's performance anxiety more.

[al_dj]

Fr_Chuck, thanks for the answer.

You're right.. Maybe I should wait for the right person, and not experiment with males just for sake of experimenting, or sex!