[samminx]

Just over a year into our relationship we split up, and she got a boyfriend. 6 months later we gt back together, but I found out since we have been back together, she's still in contact with him. Texts, calls, cards, emails, you name it they have done it.

But now her ex has started going around to her moms house to see her mum and her brother. I asked her to sort it out, as he's an ex, and I don't see why her family should be in contact with him. It's driving me insane as I don't know what to do.

She has messed me about over, and over, but I can't deal with it anymore. She's 24 I'm 20, have been together 3 years total, we have a flat. I feel stuck...


Edited/T

[Jake2008]

You cannot eliminate people to make yourself feel more secure in your relationship with her.

Her ex is entitled to have any relationship he chooses with her family, and they with him. There is nothing you can do, or should do, about that.

This revolves around you being insecure about how serious she is about you, while her ex is still in her live.

Why do you not trust her.

If there is no trust, there is no solid foundation to your relationship. She should be able to visit her mother's house, with or without you, and if the ex, who remains friends with her mom and brother, is there- what's the big deal.

Eliminating him from that picture, isn't going to make you trust her more. That she and her family are OK with his occasional visits, doesn't mean that he is in any way, stepping on your turf, or is a threat to you whatsoever.

There is no problem here, except that you do not trust her, and from what you've said so far, she's done nothing wrong, and neither has her family.

[samminx]

I understand what you're saying. She has been talking to her ex behind my back, even admitting that he wants her back. He lives in London so don't see why he has to travel 3 hours to visit her kid brother. I admit I'm insecure as we have been through a lot due to her ex. He has caused a lot of problems.

However, if I invited my girlfriend brothers ex round, I would be the one to get grief. I don't see how I'm not allowed friends, yet she can have her ex round to her mums :s

And yes I admit there is no trust because of past things, yet am I meant to grin and bare it and feel like I'm being treated like ****, or do I just walk away.

And after the first time I found out she was talking to him in secret, she promised she wouldn't again. Yet carried on for months. Saving his number under her friends name and everything. When I was at work earning the money to get her out of her abusive home. I do loads for her family, never get a thank you, all cause I'm female.

Maybe I should just give in, I can't fight anymore, they obviously prefer him to be with my girlfriend. Let's make them all happy, the money grabbing, two faced, sly family.


Edited/T

[Jake2008]

Thanks for adding more information, that does make a difference.

If the two of you together, are having problems because of her contact with her ex, to the extent that it is common knowledge that he wants her back, then yes, you do have a legitimate complaint about his involvement in her life, and your own.

In my opinion, trust isn't something that happens only some of the time. If there is a breech in trust between a couple, the relationship is in big trouble.

She seems unwilling to let her ex go, and that is causing the rift. As long as she allows him to be active in her life (I take it she is in communication with him and he's very interested in her), then she is not committed to you. If she is not committed to you, how can you trust her, or the relationship to survive.

I still don't think making demands on her, i.e. her and her family should have nothing to do with him, will solve the problem. If she is already talking to him on the sly, this will only increase in my opinion.

She's in, or she's out. And if she's in, she needs to step up, and consider how her behaviour is affecting you, and what it is doing to the relationship. Then she needs to make a choice.

I would not settle for sharing my husband with anybody else, nor would he, especially when it is known that one is pursuing the other ex partner.

There is too much to lose, and that loss is, the relationship itself.

[talaniman]

If she is still lying about her contact with him, friend or not, and broke her promise to leave him alone, then you would be better dumping her, and letting her go back to her abusive two faced family.

They obviously don't like her relationship with you, and will continue to undermine it, so what's the point? Maybe she goes along to get along, I don't know but breaking promises and lying, is a deal breaker, and I am sure as flawed a human as you may be, you deserve better.

[vanheart]

Screw this.

She's got to decide between you & him, forget if he is close to her family. History, whatevs.
Hes the EX, right? Not in her life. Not a family member.

EX. You are the boyfriend.

She seems to like the best of all worlds w/o taking responsibility for her relationships. Now & then. Or tomorrow.

But you musta known, right? When you became her boyfriend. You got with all of this.

That's what happens when you get with a girl that likes her EX hanging around.

I would nip this in the bud now. Find out what her priorities are, and yours.

Once & for all.

[kcomissiong]

I would just like to note that she doesn't have a whole lot of choice about who her family sees. If she is not inviting him to her home, then I don't see what the issue is if her family maintains a relationship with him. Maybe her brother genuinely likes him and would like to be friends.

The ex isn't the issue here... he is just doing what she or her family have told him that it is okay to do. Her dishonesty about the continuing relationship is. If she can't be honest and say, I would like to remain friends with him, what do I have to do to make you feel more comfortable about that, then she is hiding something.

[samminx]

Thank you for Ur advice. Just thought id point out I'm female. So my girlfriend is bi. So that may be why her family undermine me, even after 3 yrs. No matter what I do, I could sacrifice mysel$ to save them and they would still prefer her ex, just cz he's male and loaded.
I get that its not all her ex fault, after all if he thought tgere was no chance with my girlfriend he wouldn't b hanging around. It's just waiting to see if something happens again. I can't just walk away. I feel evil. However for my own menta/ health it may be best...

Once again thank you for all of Ur advice x

[vanheart]

You have to start to decide if she is worth the trouble.

She doesn't sound like she is making that effort for you.

Don't hang around waiting.

She either wants you, or she doesn't. And shows & proves it. Full-time.

You may be tripping, trying too hard to get to turn back around.