[lovepolis]

Hey Guys...
I need your help, experience, and advice here

I recently met a guy in this interest group who is 4 yrs younger than me.

He confessed to me that he likes me. At first he was uncomfortable with the dating, or liking someone older, but he has come to terms with it.

I do like him to a certain extent but when I think of what is ahead of us, I am not ready to take this leap of faith that it would work out.

He has never ever been in a relationship before, although he is 24 yr old. He gets a little needy, and possessive at times, even as friends. There were several times I told him that maybe it is better we stay at friends,and he got all emotional, and teary. And that frightens me a lot. I can't handle emotional boys.

I have been working for about 3 yrs, therefore in terms of career I am a few years ahead of him. I would like to settle down soon once I have met the right guy, within 1 or 2 years max. I am quite tired of being in a long relationship, as my last relationship lasted for 6 whole years, and it ended badly.

I have three issues which I can't seem to get over...

1) That I'll be dating a younger guy. I have trouble even telling friends about our age gap. I feel embarrassed, and when we are in public I don't even feel like holding his hands. At times, I feel he is quite childish.

2) He is still studying, and he has another 1.5 years to go before he graduates.

I probably will need to wait another 4 years before we can settle down. 4 years is too much for me. All my other friends are already starting to get married... have babies... etc. 4 years is kind of out of my time line.

3) At my age, I am making quite a bit, and he would find it hard to catch up. I do mind that my other half will be making significantly lesser than me. It just feels weird. He shared with me that his family, his mother is the sole bread winner, and his dad just bums at home. When I heard of that, I honestly got a little turned off.

Everything else aside, the reason why I am posting this is because, there's a lot of fear inside me... that if I let this guy go, I may not find another dude who has the potential to love me unconditionally, and accept me for who I am. He is a really sincere person, and he kept telling me he would work really work in the future for us etc etc . But I am quite scared to take his word for it as it concerns my happiness here.

I know for sure if I am with him, he won't cheat on me, or love me any less... and I can focus on other areas of my life, and not wonder what he is doing when I am not with him...


What should I do? If it were you, how will you deal with this?



Edited/T

[odinn7]

The simple answer here is that if this stuff is bothering you so much then you should move on. If these issues are affecting you at this point already, you are never going to get over it and it will cause you problems later on.

[Cat1864]

A four year age gap is not very much if you are both at the same stages of your life (for example: ready to settle down.)

Quite frankly, I think there are several other reasons than age for you to stay away from a relationship with him.

The first major reason is his insecurity and clinging. His basic personality seems to clash with what you expect or want in a partner. Since you can't make him change to suit your needs, then you either change your needs or accept that he doesn't fill them.

The second major reason is both of you are at different stages of your lives. He is in school with over a year to go and you are well established in your life.

The third major reason is you appear to have an expectation that your partner should make equal to or more than you do. Is his training in a field where that is even a possibility when he gets established? Even among doctors and other prestigious professions there is a huge discrepancy in pay due to many factors such as location, insurance, etc. He may always make less than you do. Is that an expectation you can change? If he was more involved in the home and child raising while you advanced in your chosen field, would it balance out?

You don't seem to see a future with him. You have issues even holding his hand in public and do not want to admit to the age difference (which personally is no one's business but your own.) I don't see a relationship other than friendship if even that much with his current lack of emotional stability.

I think it would best if you made a clean break and you both use this relationship as a lesson in what you want and don't want in the future. Let him go and don't allow emotional blackmail to sway your decision. Use No Contact to give both of you space and time to heal. Someday, you will meet the person who fits your expectations of a good partner and you can work with him to build a strong future.

Good luck.

[BK201]

Just because you are afraid that you might not find someone like him, is not a good reason to accept his love. Things will complicate in the future, and you are completely aware of this. Age aside, you don't like emotional needy person. Next is, you cannot wait until he can graduate. There is also a huge possibility that the difference in both of your earning standards will create problems. The odds are against this relationship to work out. Sorry

[talaniman]

I don't know what the recently means but I think you are so far ahead of yourself that dating can't be much fun, and when you have all these doubts, I say forget it, and let the poor guy down easy. To bad you couldn't of just kept it friends until you knew more about each other, but don't lead him on any longer.

You don't like him like that and age doesn't have a lot to do with it in my opinion.

[j3llo93]

It does not sound like you are near the amount of interest needed to make this relationship work. It doesn't matter if he is younger but since the connection is not there you probably should not!

[Fr_Chuck]

It sounds like you are already talking marriage and having kids, And you have a time frame, 4 years,

Sounds like you have somewhat unrealistic goals, since you are just dating and not even sure.

Date because you like or love them. If the relationship grows, then marriage will come in time. And waiting a couple of years for marriage after start dating, is really right.