[mae07]

I'm glad your boyfriend doesn't lie to you nor speak to the mother. I wish mine didn't, but because she is young, jobless, and has no education, her depency for money is purely based on him.

It just worries me because,my boyfriend and I have been saving up together but since this child was born, he kept taking his share of our saving to pay for the things it needed. And because all this came to a surprise, his left with nothing. I feel like I shouldn't help him with that, but yet I still pay for most of his stuff like food and stuff. I don't know is that selfish?

As far as I'm concern though, the mother hasn't reached out to him other than for things for the child minus the dmv incident. What I'm scared of is if the mother gives mt boyfriend an ultimatum between me and the child. I feel like she would, especially when she finds out about our plans to possobly eloped. But still all this is a jumble. How confident are you that your man won't leave? Are there signs I should look for?

[jamiahart]

Ohh I'm positive that he won't leave but sometimes I'm not positive that I won't stay... and that scares me. But just recently my boyfriend was talking to the bbys mama mother.. (yesterday) because must I remind you the bby mama is his friends mother so... but I didn't say anthing because all he did was say hello over a video chat but in the past the bbys mamas mother tried to convince him to stay and be with her (the bby mama).. but he told me what she said and he let her mama know that he wld be in his child's life but he's not going to be with her.. & I absoultely do not think your being selfish about anything that is his child and his mistake NOT YOURS.. so you shouldn't be giving him money tosupport the bby because if the shoe was on the other foot his bby mama wouldn't do it for you trust me... I advise you to stop doing that because men get too used to things and he needs to realize what he did and that because of what he did he can't get the same treatment like he's normally gotten from you

Honestly you are making everythng so easy fr him right now and it shouldn't be!. because in the end you're the one who's suffering... your the one who can't get the situation off your mind when he sleeps peacefully at night... because he brought this upon himself he needs to know what taking responsibility is.. so you stop giving him money and food and worry about you because at the time he was only thinking about himself... so if anything he was the one being selfish.. and you let him know that he was the one who brought a child in this world... and he has another mouth to feed not you him!. so with that being said he needs to take care of that baby by himself because he had it by himself and you didn't have any part in it so you shouldn't have any part in doing for the child... im not saying to hate him or the child but thts his responsibility not yours okay and if your wrking and stuff you continue to do that and don't let anything bring you down & u know if you do get married

You will have to pay child support with him even though its not your child... so think about that before you go and do something you might regret

[mae07]

I have to pay child support with him? Really? Ohmy! I ddint know that! That's freaking me out now. Good thing you told me that, I must research more about that. There still a lot of things I feel a I do not know and I feel like I should. My boyfriend hides his emotions very well, its hard for me to see what his really feelings. There are times were out with friends that he acts so joyous that I'm not sure if his at all worried about all that's happening in its life. And since Facebook and skype plays a huge role in drama like this, its harder to keep things private. Even if you want too, it just becomes so hard. So, my next question, is how do you deal with the emotion? When for example, you see pics of the baby. I know you get angry and frustrated, but how do you get pass it? You said you guys have been good for a year, so that's a year of suppressing stuff. But I'm sure living in a different city also helped, but still, I'm sure it never left your mind. How do you deal with that? What do you tell yourself to have the strength and courage to get through the day to day emotion?? Cause as of right now, that's were I am. I'm so confuse on how I'm suppose to feeL. I'm. Trying my hardest to do normal things but the feelings of hurt and confusion somehow finds its way back to my head and I just get really upset. How do I deal with this? I feel so helpless and feel incredibly weak about it all. I just want this feeling to go away. When will that time come?

[jamiahart]

The time will come when you accept the fact that he has a child by another girl... It will be extremely hard but in the beginning your going to try to avoid it... your stomach will turn every time you hear anything about it or anything associated with it... When you get to the point where your stomach no longer turns when your hearing anything about it then you will know that your over it or aleast progressing. I mean it is a good question... how will you deal with your emotions?. Everyone have there own way of dealing with things like me... I like to talk to someone about them or even write them down because when ever the subject is being brought up an argument occurs and the same argument will continue to go on like forever... so for the past year even though we live in different cities she still did a lot of things to frustrate me and when she frustrated me I was upset with him about it and I guess he took care of it and I don't have that problem anymore... but to honestly answer your question

I have not yet found a way to deal with the emotion... Sometimes I feel bad because I have all of these angry thoughts going in my head at times... Its like I'm okay sometimes and then it will just hit me like never before... but I hope and pray that everything gets better...

[talaniman]

Glad you two can support each other. But please use the answer feature, and not the comment feature.

[mae07]

Sorry about that talan.

Jamia, I feel the same way! One moment I feel like I'm completely in control of the situation. I feel like everything can be okay. Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, something will pop in my head and ill get frustrated and angry and at times feel sorry for myself. I re analyze and over analyze everything, that I make myself so crazy. I don't know why I do it, but it seriously just happen. Its funny because I never thought I'd ever be in this kind of relationship. I told my boyfriend years ago, that if he ever get someone else pregnant, I'm done. But here I am, completely engulfed in this mess. I may not know plenty about love, but is this really it? Is this what it means to "love blindly". It makes me question it sometimes, because its such a crazy thought.

Dealing with all this has been a serious life lesson, life changing as well. Just the idea that its actually happening sickens me. As much as I would like to wake up not having todo, experience, and feel all this, but I am. Thank you everyone for taking time out and answering my questions. I really do appreciate it.

[mae07]

Update:

My boyfriend and I's relationship is struggling. I can see and feel that his really trying to make this work. Taking the time out once every hour to tell me he loves me. Its something I appreciate a lot yet, I can't seem to shake off the insecurity and distrust I feel towards him. I know his trying the best he could do, but I have such a hard time believing it.

The mother finally let him take the child for the day, alone. Even though he seemed calm and collected, I knew he was both scared and excited. He asked me to see the baby, but I refused. I remembered one of the response here that I too will have to love the child. That thought kept running through my head and I ddnt want to love this child and then decide I ddint want to stay.

3 week later and my mind is still in shambles. I don't understand how people can 'just get over it'. I feel like the emotional part of this situation is stopping me from living my life and moving forward. Hardest thing ever.

[talaniman]

Your confusion as to where the future lies is understandable, I mean off and on for 7 years is a true indication you both are not on the same page, or else you would be working together now, through some honest communications to resolve things to the benefit of you both.

Seems to me your level of commitment is driven by circumstances, and your own ability to handle your OWN feelings about HIS circumstances. Hard to just "get over" your own feelings, but you at least have to commit to resolve the issues between you. That means you are in it to win it despite the obstacles, or you will continue to have a foot out the door just in case.

You trust, or you don't. If you don't, then you waste another 7 years, and can look forward to more off, and on again. You do realize you are fighting the conflict within yourself don't you? You need to make a decision for YOURSELF, and stick to it. VERY SOON.

[mae07]

The battle within myself is definitely the biggest obstacle in all of this. My boyfriend, seems to have the 'go go go' attitude. He seems to be "in it to win it" but as for me, I'm really not so sure. Talan, you are absolutely correct, our commitment (my commitment, more perhaps) is driven by circumstance. There's a lot of emotional and mental circumstances that I seem to not accept or understand. It truly is a battle within myself. Thanks talan.

[talaniman]

Take the time to get the facts of your own feelings about what you want, and make a decision how to get it. No hurry, but commit to your own happiness, then choose who to share it with, and how.

No one can build a future without trusting the one they build it with. So figure out soon, if they are worth the risk or not. That's where honest communications works. To be honest, you really need to recognize what his priority right now is, the best interest of his child. That means he may not want to give you what you want right now because he CANNOT, and the conflict is HIS responsibilities, that you can't wrap your head around.

Things have changed for sure, because now he is a package deal, and unless you can accept him as he is, package and all, no way will you be able to build a future together. That's the decision that you grapple with. Lots of adjustments to make, but you have the facts, and a preview of what it will be like, now you must choose, get in it to win it, no more half stepping, or get out, and seek your own future without him. A life changing decision, full of risk, or potential failure, either way.

Is he worth it?

[mae07]

Last update:

Talan's last question really boggled my mind through all this. "Is he worth it?" And that in itself took me to this very moment.

My boyfriend & I broke it off. Even though he acted positive-like he was beyond confused. I caught him sneaking out late at night to visit his child. He lies to so called "protect me". His lies however, are lies that are so petty it shouldn't even be a lie. But he felt that the petty lies were necessary to keep me around. I did not think so. Through all this he was in a state of pure confusion. He felt madly in love with his baby girl and he couldn't see his life without her. He felt that if he stayed with me, he would miss a lot of the things a father shouldn't miss in his child's lifes, ei. First step etc. So, instead of putting him through al that I decided to give way and just give up. Lately, I've been hearing stuff from mutual friends that his been taking the mom out more often, to dinners or to meet our friends, etc. He explained to me that he felt like he was choosing between his heart & his brain. But ultimately, he chose his daughter. I never gave him that chose, I did my best to assure him there was no competition, but he felt as though staying with me will force him to lose time with her.

Its difinetly the hardest time of my life so far, I've confided in so many people and all points to move on. They said, I should be proud of him for taking this responsibility in its entirity... yet I can't help but feel betrayed and hurt. I have no angst against him because I know deep down, I do understand. All the emotions that are running through me are so jumbled I can't even describe my feelings in any way. I feel nothing. Now, I'm slowly unravelling the 8 yrs I spend with him and gradually repositioning it, and it couldn't be any more harder. But I know something greater is destined for me. This whole event is a blessing in disguise, it couldn't have been more clear that this is not where I'm suppose to be. It will take a lot of will and mental strength, but I know its possible to find happiness elsewhere.

So, was he worth it, talan? No he isn't.

[talaniman]

Hard as it is, you are absolutely right, he wasn't worth it, but YOU are. You deserve to be happy, and I have no doubt you will. Your feelings now hurt, but they will be replaced by better ones in time, you'll see.

>cyber hug<