[jesika7102]

I'm 28 and my boyfriend is 24! We been together for 6 mo and living together for 6 mo. We kind of moved a little fast in our relationahip. But I have one problem with him it's his masterbating to porn. I don't know what to think about this but it really bothers me and actually hurts me to think that he likes getting off by watching porn! I don't know what to do he still has sex with me but our sex has been very boring lately! This is what he did this morning while I was sleep instead of wakeing me up and having sex with me he went out in the livingroom with my computer that I've asked him not to use for porn but he still does. So my point is he got up this morning and instead of waking me up to have sex with him which I would have enjoyed he watched porn and jerked off and now is laying in bed next to me sleeping! Sometimes I feel like he waits until I'm not around so he can jerk off. I don't know what to do I feel like this is a big problem because it causes me to get up set with him and sometimes starts a fight, why won't he just stop masterbating to porn if he know how I feel about it?

[Cat1864]

First, the computer: use a password that he does not have access to so that he can't use your computer without your permission. Install parental locks on it and set them to not allow adult content. Then he can't use your computer for porn. Doesn't he have a computer of his own?

Second, porn and masturbation are not about you and your sex life. They are about him wanting to release some tension without having to worry about another person's needs or desires.

Do you masturbate or do think that once in a relationship that sexual contact should only be between partners?

Masturbation is healthy and a good way to explore your own body so that you can know what you like or dislike and can communicate those needs with your partner.

Porn is a form of erotica and entertainment. No different from magazines, romance books, many movies, music and ads. Some people even view it without masturbating. It can be a tool for helping figure out what might be something to try or to stay away from. It can be ideas for fantasies.

If your sex life is boring, don't put all the blame on porn and masturbation. Realize that it is probably a symptom of communication problems. If you can't discuss the fact that you need something different in the bedroom, then you shouldn't be having sex. (Note the word 'discuss'.)

'Discussions' should be both partners taking turns stating their thoughts and needs while the other partner listens. Then they work together to find a compromise. It should not be one person making the rules and lecturing the other person. You are supposed to be equals and adults not parent and child or employer and employee.

If he knows your feelings about him using your computer for porn, then he should respect your wishes and find other ways to view it. Your computer is your personal property like your phone (if you have one) and your boundaries should be respected in its use. However, your right to 'ban' porn ends at your computer. You have to work out a compromise on the rest of the home you share.

Instead of viewing this issue as an all or nothing (me or the porn), you might ask him about sharing and together you might find ideas for shared fantasy or things to try. It could be a tool to open the door for discussion about likes and dislikes if you let it.

Remember that how you approach what you see as a problem will affect how much he wants to work with you to compromise or decides that you are too demanding of his personal time and space and puts his foot down (or walks away).

[Handyman2007]

He's 24. His libido is very high. Some people get bored with one partner after a while. Will he masturbate with you? Sounds strange but it could be a turn on to him to watch YOU instead of porn. I am not putting this on you. There are different things you can do to entice him. Don't give up. Is the rest of your relationship OK?

[jenniepepsi]

The only time porn and masturbation is a problem is if it affects the relationship. Quite obviously YOU are unhappy with this, and if it has not already, it WILL put a strain on your relationship with him.

First thing is first, there is nothing wrong with a man masterbating to porn. Nor does it mean that he loves you less, is attracted to you any less, or wants you any less. Its just something a lot of men do.

Second, if it is bothering you, kudos to you for being concerned enough to seek help here rather than just writing him off, however, your next step, is to TALK TO HIM. He will NOT know how you feel about this, if you do not sit down and speak to him in a CALM, NON attacking manner, and explain how it makes you feel. Then you MUST give him a chance to explain to you how HE feels about this issue. DO NOT judge him or attack him personally on the subject. Be completely open to him. And then you both decide TOGETHER if you want to work through this together, or if you just cannot accept each other the way you are and move on.


Good luck!

[smoothy]

Also... something not touched on... is maybe its less about the masturbation to him and more about the actual relationship.

A few thoughts...

#1.. He realizes every time he has sex you MIGHT get pregnant.

#2.. He's upset about something unrelated to sex but not enough to go off on you over yet.

#3.. As was mentioned... you attacked him on this... and speaking as a guy... nothing will kill desire for someone faster than that...

#4.. Does he have a stressful or physically demanding job?

#5.. Self masturbation isn't ALWAYS about the other person... sometimes it is... but not always. Would he get bent if you diddled yourself? I bet not.




And on that last topic... I see some possible issues that may be driving this... first you have an issue with him viewing porn, second you have an issue with him wanking... now its clear what stage you are at now... but is it possible a hypersensitivity to those pushed him into the current situation? A lot of guys will just go cold towards someone before they get angry enough to yell about it... and when I am angry at someone... well, lets just say the passion well runs dry... doesn't mean my libido dies too.

Nagging is a good way to assure he isn't going to get frisky with you. And if you say its not nagging... reverse the roles, what if someone else said or did the same thing to you... if you wouldn't like it... then its nagging. Remember perspective.

Talking is good... but remember talking isn't preaching... talking isn't accusing... talking isn't berating... and talking isn't scolding. Expect to hear something you don't like or expect to hear.

He's still coming home... he's still sleeping in the same bed... and odds are if he's wanking like that... he isn't sleeping with someone else. So there is hope. If he moved out... then its all but over.