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confusedheart · Feb 13, 2007, 03:30 PM

I have been married for 16yrs, we had separated for a while during our separation he slept with someone I don't like, after 3yrs of being back together I found out they have been communicating everyday. How do I get past this pain, I want out of the marriage but I don't know how to leave.:(

shygrneyzs · Feb 13, 2007, 04:36 PM

First of all, I want to say how much I can relate to the feelings of betrayal. I am sure you are hurting to the core. You need to pull all your energies together because you will need to draw on them while you sort through what has happened, what you feel your options are, how you would go about leaving him, and becoming emotionally well. You have stated you want to leave but do not know how.

What holds you there? Do you love your husband and are willing to work through this? Do you have children that you feel might be emotionally hurt if you leave? Have you told your husband that you know that he has kept contant with his mistress over the years? Have you explained to him just how his actions have betrayed your trust in him? Have you explained to him you cannot bear the pain anymore and you feel it would be better to be without him than with him? Put this on him - you are not responsible for what he did three years ago and you are not responsible for his continued contact with this woman. But his actions have brought you into it and his actions has wounded you. If you have not told him - he needs to know and be accountable.

How do you leave? Take an inventory of yourself - listing the positives and negatives of staying and of leaving. Seek counseling either through a therapist or your minister or someone trained to facilitate your thoughts and help you through the process of "discovery" (gaining insight).

There is a great book I read, given to me by the social worker at the school I worked at. At that time I had not even considered leaving for real and had never mentioned it to anyone. But as I was getting ready to leave for a two week conference, she handed me the following book and told me it would make "great sense". She was right. "Learning to Leave" by Lynette Triere. Another resource is, "Women as Winners: Transactional Analysis for Personal Growth" by Dorothy Jongeward and Dru Scott.

You know by now that living this way is causing a serious disharmony in your own life. If continued as it is, the emotional distress you are experiencing can build - will build - to the unbearable point. Maybe you are already there. But only you can decide. You can decide to affect your life in positive ways.

If your husband truly wants to save the marriage, then you need to ask yourself if you want to. Or if you trust him enough to not go behind your back again. I am not advocating you stay or you go. But I am advocating for you to stand on your feet, stand up to your husband, seek some outside counseling/therapy, get well for yourself. You cannot change him. I truly wish you the very very best in whatever you decide to do.

talaniman · Feb 13, 2007, 04:41 PM

Have a consult with a divorce attorney (usually free) to know your rights and options so you can have facts to make a reasonable decision.

valinors_sorrow · Feb 13, 2007, 07:37 PM

Begin by telling yourself you'll figure it out as you go along - one step at a time. It won't be perfect and it won't be pretty but at the end you'll have you and there just ain't nothing more important than that. Then, as Tal suggests, poke around for a lawyer. Get some information so you can make a better decision. A pain like that takes quite a while to get past but it will be greatly helped by you taking actions to take care of you. You've been knocked down but you are not down for the count. Take one small action every day until you get some momentum. I am so sorry for your loss.

sapphiremoon · Feb 13, 2007, 07:52 PM

I think leaving is definitely the right decision for your situation, because he is obviously not committed to you and cares more about the other woman than he does about whether he is hurting you. But no matter what choice you make, whether you leave or stay, it is going to hurt. Leaving hurts a lot at first, then gets better over time. Staying hurts less at any given time but the hurt never goes away. Even if he breaks it off with this woman he'll find another one later.
If you stay, what if he leaves you anyway? You should take the advantage by leaving at a time of your own choosing, because you will be stronger that way.

Bottom line is-where do you want to be in a year? 5 years? 10 years?

For how to leave-the previous posts have great suggestions. You also need the support of good friends to help you through this. If you don't happen to have friends to help you now, there are some great divorce support groups out there.

confusedheart · Mar 8, 2007, 02:27 PM

Thanks to all of you who gave me some deep advice, I took that into consideration and I am currently out weighing my options. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.