[PotatoSkins]

HI,
I am a 23 year-old male. My mother has suffered various mental illness for years now. Over the last year, it seems that my greatest fears are being realized: I may have inherited her illnesses.
Several months ago I had a conflict with my girlfriend in which she asked me if I loved her, and I, because I had been recently doubting my feelings for her, told her I wasn't sure. Shortly thereafter I left for home (5.5 hours away). The whole way home I was uncontrollably anxious about how I had and was still hurting her and didn't know how I felt or what I was to do. It sounds silly but I was really panicing about it. It was all accompanied by an extreme desire to be with my parents and to spend time with them. I had fears of having to leave them or them leaving me. I then became depressed and dealt with that for a few months. We are still together but I still haven't been able to confirm in my mind exactly how I feel.

Recently I started an internship and this was to be my last week but last Friday they gave me an offer to continue with them part time through grad school and start full time with them when I finish. I've felt slightly depressive notions over the last few weeks or so but nothing too intense. However, yesterday, I had what felt like a full-blown remergence. I began to think how I didn't really like this job, even though I have worked 4 years for this BSBA degree. I began to long for the days when I worked in construction with my dad. I wished I could leave work and go home. The thoughts of having to work 8 hours a day for the rest my life at a job I hate overwhelmed me. I began to panic more when I considered: "am I crazy?" "What if I go crazy and kill myself one day when I'm older?!... Oh no!!" My mom says she can't remember having any problems at my age.

What can I do? I want so badly for this to go away and never return.

[joypulv]

PotatoSkins, I feel for you, and have been in some similar situations. But I learned over 64 years that 'disorders' are just those proverbial pigeonholes that don't mean a whole lot. They help get your medical bills paid for, basically, because you have to have a diagnosis. Most people who aren't seeing and hearing things fall into a big basket of depression, anxiety, borderline, panic, ocd, add, odd, and phobias. Did I forget any? You can have one or several or change, or be fine for some years or not. What matters is how you feel and are able to do what you want to be able to do.

So here you are, getting academic job offers that may be dreary, not sure about love, and you are anxious and depressed, two conditions that go hand and hand, taking turns. I would save 'panic' for when you have to drive off the road and get out or curl up in a ball or otherwise are totally incapacitated. You think you may be like your mother - true, but what about her 'various illnesses?' Having that many vaguely defined 'illnesses' makes me wonder if she too might be suffering from taking a life path she didn't really want.

I know MIT grads who build houses for a living. I know builders who wish they had been physicists. You may make choices you regret, but if you can change, then there's no reason for regret. Don't get saddled with commitments you aren't sure of and don't think there's some sort of virtue in staying with one choice in life. Think of all the college grads who take a year off before grad school, and either gladly go to grad school, or gladly stay with what else they chose.

You have a stereotyped notion about going crazy! Hardly anyone just 'goes crazy.' They usually have problems for years that grow and become a mental illness when the person can't function. And suicide? That too rarely happens when someone goes beserk and out of control; it's usually planned, and often after quite a while of putting it off, like driving around at high speed in the middle of the night, or knowing that the bottle of pills might not fully work. There's even a saying that it doesn't happen so much when people are at their lowest, it happens on the rising tide of expectations.

Go talk to your mother as an adult, not as your mother. If you can do it and she will do it, you will learn a lot. Talk to your father too.

[Handyman2007]

The first thing I would do is find a therapist and discuss all of these things with them. Everything will not come out at once but you have underlying issues that you may not be aware of. You are under enormous pressure to succeed.Everyone goes through periods in their lives that eat away at us. You may just want to start with a GOOD doctor them ask for suggestions about a therapist. You ARE conscious of a problem which is a good thing. Get professional assistance. REALLY.