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0408ping · Jul 24, 2011, 08:00 AM

Me and my boyfriend have only been together a year. Things moved quickly and we moved in together a few months into our relationship. He was with his last Gf for 7yrs and has two children with her. Iam 20 and he is 27. Not long after I moved in with him I became very depressed, started tablets and Cbt sessions, this wasn't down to him or us but things in my past. With all this going on I lost my sex drive completely and he started to feel unwanted, frustrated and began getting pains downstairs. A few months later I got my sex drive back, came off the depression tablets etc and felt good. But damage had already been done and my boyfriend was frustrated beyond belief, in lots of pain and we had been arguing no end. He no longer is satisfied by sex so we barely have it anymore and I feel so lonely. We have both told each other that we are not happy anymore but nothing has changed, please does anyone have any advice?

JoeCanada76 · Jul 24, 2011, 08:03 AM

Is it time to go your separate ways, especially if sex is your only issue?

gingerbill · Jul 24, 2011, 12:31 PM

Have to agree with Jesu.

talaniman · Jul 24, 2011, 04:08 PM

You tried, but doesn't seem to work so move out and get your own issues behind you.

0408ping · Jul 27, 2011, 05:36 AM

Thank you for your comments but surely if we love each other and don't want anyone or anybody else it's worth staying and trying, trying and trying? Especially if in every other part of our relationship is great?

Cat1864 · Jul 27, 2011, 07:03 AM

Quite frankly, I think he needs to see a doctor if he is experiencing pain from not getting sexual intercourse. If there is nothing physically wrong, then counseling/therapy might be an idea. There has to be something else going on if he is having that strong of a reaction to not having intercourse. It might even be part of the continuing problems you are experiencing as a couple.

I am confused over how great the love can be and the rest of the relationship if you both admit you 'are not happy anymore.' Very rarely can a couple keep issues from one part of a relationship from affecting the rest of it.

I am going to guess that sex was a major part of the way the two of you showed affection and intimacy before your depression became an issue. Do the two of you ever spend time relaxing or having fun together (for example: kisses on the cheek, massages, talking about nothing in particular or sharing dreams, playing a game together, doing chores together, etc.) when there is no expectation of sexual contact? How about saying 'I love you' because that's how you feel not because you expect to hear it back?

There are so many ways to take pressure off and rebuild after a major set-back. However, the two of you have to be willing to communicate and work together for anything to get better. You have to recognize that the foundation wasn't very strong to begin with and now it has some pretty big cracks in it.

If you can't talk about the problems without arguing and if either of you isn't willing to put in the work needed to build a better relationship, then end it now while you can still be civil to each other. Don't wait until all that is left are anger and frustration in all areas of the relationship.

The main thing is to be honest with yourself about the over-all health of the relationship and to learn other ways to communicate needs, desires, intimacy and affection. Be realistic about the relationship and don't try to hold on to a dream of what you want the relationship to be.

0408ping · Jul 27, 2011, 10:16 AM

We share all the chores and do it at the same time so we get to sit down with each other for the rest of the evening and we can talk about allsorts all night long. We give kisses on the cheek etc and lots of affection all the time. We have said we are not happy but that seems to be when the stress of the sex issue is mentioned, we have both said we are going to try harder and I really hope it works. I'm just at a loss of where to start to be honest. I do love him so much and in every other area we are very happy, it's just this that's making the relationship so difficult

talaniman · Jul 27, 2011, 11:06 AM

Find out about where his pain of not having sex is, and correct it. Lack of sex is but a symptom of a deeper problem that has to be addressed. You addressed yours, and now you are ready for sex, but now he is not.

See a doctor for the pain, address that first. Don't be frustrated, he was probably frustrated when you went through your issues, now address his. For now build on the things that are working, and identify the things that don't, and change the things you can. You keep saying neither of you is happy, and you make sex the issue. WHY? He needs to see a doctor for pain though.