[big_hearted]

I'll start at the beginning...

I met my boyfriend, Josh, through my brother, and he went to elementry and middle school with my older sister. We are both from the same area. We met about 4 months ago. At the time I wasn't even looking for a relationship. We were just friends in the same circle and got very close. My brother, him, and I took weekend trips together as friends but feelings started to grow between me and Josh. I knew that Josh had been getting out of a somewhat messy relationship--she had a one year old son to another man who had not been being a father to his child. Josh had stepped up when her parents kicked her out and her and her son moved in with him. When things didn't work out, she moved back in with her parents. Once the air had cleared me and Josh started a casual but exclusive relationship. We had been together for about a month when he told me that his ex was pregnant and it was probably his. Now, she is 5 months pregnant with no place to live in a month, can't hold down a job, and spent her last check on a new cell phone that she did not need. She is only 20 years old. Josh is 24 and I am 22. We are very much in love and I feel like he is the one that I am going to be with--please don't assume that I am just infatuated, young, and dumb, give me at least a little credit here.

I cannot comprehend how someone can bring a child into this world and keep it when they cannot even support themselves. I do understand the incredible emotional bond between parents and their children although I am not a mother myself. She is already struggling with her first child and here comes the second. My main concern is for the children. They deserve a stable place to live (her and her son have moved at least 4 times and he is only one year old), food, toys, love, stimulation, etc. However, I don't feel that it is my place to make suggestions but I do feel very strongly about these kids getting a fair shake at life. I want to push them to put the kids up for adoption strictly for their sake but I know it is not my decision to be made. Giving up a child is an incredibly self-less thing and very hard to do. However, in this situation I can't help but feel that it would be better for the kids. Open adoption, I feel, is a good alternative to completely giving your child away. I feel very strongly about children having everything they deserve and stable environments, etc. They deserve a fair shake.

So, my question is, should I suck up my beliefs and stay out of it since they aren't my kids? I could always walk away from the situation but I would almost feel negligent. I have considered leaving him, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Our love is strong and I feel like it's the kind of love everyone is searching for, and I can't just up and walk away from it. I've thought to wait it out and see if she gets herself together. My boyfriend is working toward being able to support his child but is he going to have to support her too? Is that fair? Am I going to end up supporting and raising this family?

[talaniman]

Step back, as hard as it is, and let these two handle there own business. For all your logic, and passion, they are responsible for what happens, and it may take years to get it together. In other words, they have an enormous task and many decisions yet to come.

And the answer is YES, you will help him support those kids if you intend to be with him, not just financially, but emotionally, as well. You have a big decision to make yourself it seems, whether you can love, and support this fellow as they handle their business. Supporting his kids may well mean supporting the mother. Maybe they end up living together??

It won't be easy at all, and you are in for a lot of pressure on this very young relationship you are trying to establish. They have much unresolved and its not going to be fun. Adoption works for you, but I doubt it will for them. The next 18 years will be a challenge for you all. If you are still around, she will be for sure.

[BK201]

You sure can step in and give your suggestion to your boyfriend. But not sure how much he will take it, he might feel strongly responsible for the kid. If that girl is around your bf's life, he will support her and the kids, unless her parents or another man takes over. Giving in your hands to support this family financially is ultimately up to you. After all, its out of his and her deeds, they have to sort it out. Wonder how he is going to manage your relationship and responsibilities side by side... tough deal. When things go out of his capabilities, he might end up hurting either you or that girl. So be it, be prepared. Good luck.

[shellmunds]

Children are really tough to deal with in a relationship. Think of yourself as a mother. Would you want to give your child up for adoption? It's a tough decision to make.

If you and your boyfriend feel for this child, think about getting custody of his child. His ex's baby dady or whatever you would like to call it should get in touch with her and think about what they want to do.

Children can cause a lot of strain on a relationship. Your boyfriend will be connected to his ex for the rest of his life. If you marry him, you too will be connect to her. Your boyfriend shouldn't have to support her, only his child. She should become a mother and do her best for those children. If not, then she's not doing her best.

[Fr_Chuck]

Agree, you step in and do anything or say anything you will lose, no matter what happens.

And when he pays child support , she will have some money to help with the kids. I am sure he is planing on paying about 20 percent of his pay and perhaps even going to step up and help with costs of birth.

Your boyfriend will have a connection with this child and you need to consider being there and helping with the child.

Being poor is not a issue if a person will do their best