[Distantlove]

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we have had our ups and downs. I've been unhappy recently because I've noticed he doesn't make as much effort as he used to. He doesn't call anymore or email or anything else other than texting. All he does is text me a few times a day which is fine, but I would like other ways of contacting too and I've made the effort to do this but he hasn't. He also hardly suggests going places so I feel like I always have to suggest places to go out.
So recently I've cried in front of him and told him how I feel and that I want him to make more effort for me, in terms of what I've said above. He hugged me and said he would and said he's looking forward to making me smile etc. and this made me happy because I knew he wanted to make the effort.
However, a few days went on and he still hadn't so I just mentioned it to him jokedly but he got touchy about it and said "it'll happen when it happens". This upset me because its not as if I was asking for anything big. I just want to see him make more effort.
Later on that day he told me somemore things that REALLY upset me and has made me even more miserable the past week since he told me. He began crying and said he doesn't feel as keen to make me happy as he used to because of how I used to treat him. (this was last year where I just didn't make as much effort for him and wasn't there for him) but I told him that was different and I apologised and I've changed, I'm not like that anymore because I love him so much more than I used to, and that he shouldn't hold a grudge for something that was last year, but he said he always hold grudges against me... isn't that very conditional? He said he doesn't feel like he wants to make the effort for me and he hardly wants to go places with me because the places I suggest are apparently places I want to go to and not where he wants to go. I honestly never thought about it that way, I suggested places for US. I've always asked not demanded that we go somewhere and he's happily agreed. He doesn't tell me if he doesn't want to go somewhere. I don't feel that everywhere I want to go is for myself, recently I suggested we go golf because I know he likes golf, even though I'm not that keen on it but I just like spending time with him. Then after we spoke about it I said I love him and he said he loves me too and I asked jokedly "how much?:D" (which he usually responds to as so much), but this time it was "i dont know" and I was shocked. He said he doesn't know how much he loves me. Then we carried on talking about the effort thing and sorted it out more (more for him not for me), and I asked him why he said he doesn't know how much he loves me, and he said he's sorry he just said it because he was upset and he does love me a lot and he hugged and kissed me.
So anyway, the next morning I briefly mentioned it and said he shouldn't say stuff like that to upset me, (cos he's done it before, he's told me he doesn't love me anymore and broke up with me then a few days later told me he still loves me so much and he's been so stupid etc, then we got back together. Then another time he's said I'm boring because all we do is sit at home so I said OK we both should suggest more places to go, and I've been doing that recently but now he's complaining about that! Saying I only suggest places I want to go). But then he texted "i do love you differently now from how i used to" and I rang him in tears asking what he means and he said he loves me less now because I seem like a different person. He said its perfect when were together, but when were apart I always seem like an unhappy person in general whenever he talks to me. He also said I'm judgemental about people :S I mean yeah, everyone's a little judgemental but I'm not THAT judgemental. I told him this and I said he's also judgemental about people and he made some excuse like "i feel like i have to be judgemental around you cos i think its common ground"... what? He also said I act like my friends sometimes when I'm around him and it annoys him but I honestly don't think I do. Maybe sometimes I would say some things that they would jokedly say, but he doesn't like it because he doesn't like my friends. I then told him ide try not to do this anymore if it annoys him then and about the unhappy thing, I said I would tell him more when I am in a good mood and I have been doing that a lot recently. He agreed and told me that when he's unhappy he cheers himself up and just gets over it, but with me I prefer to talk to people about it (and I admit, recently its been quite a bit because of him not making as much effort). I asked him if he would grow to love me more again if I did all this, and he said he hopes so and he would prefer it to happen than to break up.
I'm still really upset about it all. I just look back to how he used to be and I end up crying because I miss the old him. When were together its absolutely fine, its perfect. Its just when were apart and obviously we can't be together all the time. I just want to feel like he cares when were apart. I feel like he only loves me if I do everything right for him, and for me its completely opposite for him. I just love him so much. What do you think I should do? Should I wait and see if there's an improvement? See if he'll gradually love me more again and start making more effort like he used to if I change myself a little? Or should I give up? I've been thinking about the option of breaking up with him but I don't know how I would cope. I want to see if he will change too if I make small changes but I don't know. What do you think I should do?
Please help. Thank you, I appreciate everyone's opinions.

[theconfusedguy]

It sounds like there is a lot of built up frustration that is going on. It's a compilation of problems and if it's not one excuse it's another with him. My suggestion is to read these three books. Relationship Rescue by Doctor Phil, Five Love Languages by Chapman and When Mars and Venus Collide. I read those books and they have positive outlooks on relationships that have helped me coup and deal with things I'm going through right now. The first will tell you how to start solving the problems by yourself and trying to fix things even if he isn't willing to. The second explains why at times it seems like you don't feel loved enough and how to figure out how to give the person you are with and yourself the love that you need. The third one is a look on relationships and Stress and it's really good. It mentions some of the excuses and why men or woman use them. It also illustrates how it goes from doing this every day to not wanting to do this every day. Ok now for my advice... you don't have to be perfect for him because that wouldn't be fair at all. You should indeed think of things in terms of us and sometimes you do have to make sacrifices and say well I don't really like doing this, but he does so I'll do this for him. Eventually and hopefully he will start feeling better about himself and in return feel better about you and see the things you are doing. This doesn't mean smoother him with time and so on cause guys occasionally need time to themselves but instead of just sitting at home try to think of something you can do together and make the time you spend quality time instead of just hanging out time. Sometimes in the relationship you have to say do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? See going back and forth and trying to make yourself seem right to him doesn't help the situation. Look this is how I look at it, if you know you are right, and he thinks he is right, what's wrong with letting him think he is right for now until you can stabilize the relationship and then work on those problems? Not saying it's all on you because he will eventually have to make an effort and quit blaming you for everything. There is obviously some other things in his life that is making him unhappy and it seems that he is taking it out on you. Is he unhappy at work? Family ? I mean these are things that guys bottle up and eventually let loose on their girlfriends and say it's them and say that they make them feel this way. So I would take a step back... breath... look at the situation, and look at other things that could be stressing him in life... then go... ok this is bothering him, and what am I doing to make it better and what am I doing that may make it worse. Keep confidence because once you do your part then you can really see where the problems lay at. You will say OK now I fixed the things I felt was wrong with me and things are still going downhill, now you can look at him and figure out what things need to be worked out with him as well. :)

[talaniman]

Your not handling the rigors of a long distance well at all, and your still insecure with discovering the insecurities in you and his reaction to them.

You need something else to do besides trying to figure him out, when he is not there.

Something's you must let go, and accept, and the most glaring of all, is what you do for yourself. It must not be enough to carry you through the away times, and this will make you both suffer. You cannot control what he does, or the why behind it, but you can surely do something for yourself, to be happy with yourself, and stop the demands that do nothing but stroke your need for more attention, that he may not be able to give.

You need some local friends, and activities that you enjoy, when he is not there.

[Distantlove]

Thanks for the advice guys :) and thanks confusedguy for the book recommendations, they sound helpful.

Another thing, I just found out this morning. Ages I've been on my boyfriends Facebook on my phone to edit stuff for him (he knew about this) and gave me his password. He's changed it now though and I don't know it which is fine because he wants his privacy. However, I couldn't get on my own Facebook on my computer because my internet was down, so I used my phone to go on mine, and when I typed in the site, it took me to HIS account which I didn't expect. Its because ages when I was on his account on my phone I didn't log out and somehow its still logged in on my phone. But anyway, as soon as it logged me in automatically to his account I saw a poke from another girl, and it was the same girl ages ago he was messaging privately on myspace because he found her interesting etc. (shes from indonesia and we live in england tho). But anyway, this was an issue before because I got upset that he never told me about her and tried to hide it and he promised he wouldn't do it again because he knows it would upset me a lot. He did promise me and it was serious. And now he's started talking to her again.. the thing I'm upset about is he promised me before because it hurt me a lot (and he knew this), and now he's done it again and not told me. So I rang him and asked why he's done it again when he promised before that he wouldn't, I also said he just couldve just been more open about it because it was an issue in the past, but he said I wouldntve understood because I would think he just fancies her when he doesn't. But I wasn't mad at him I was just talking to him politely, he apologised and said he would be more open about it. I asked why he likes talking to her and he said she's interesting. It makes me kind of upset because he can make the effort for her and message this girl twice a week, yet I get nothing. It just makes me feel as if he's isn't interested in me anymore at all. I don't know how I should feel about this? What do you think? Do I have a reason to be upset? Or is it just silly? I just need someone to tell me. Also the fact that he knew it upset me so much before, yet he's managed to do it again knowing that it would upset me.. thanks.

[Distantlove]

Also he's back from uni now for the summer, so he's going to be home for 3/4 months.

[cozyk]

This is going to sound harsh. I don't mean it to be, but it falls under the "cruel to be kind" category.

He's just not that into you.

This relationship is costing you more than it is giving you.
The more you try to cater to him. The less respect he will have for you. You are losing yourself.

I noticed your post was written a few months ago. I don't know what you eventually did but my advice would be to say...

It's clear that we are not getting along right now.
I'm becoming someone that is desperate and I don't like it. Love should not hurt. Therefore. I am going to take some time, get myself in a good place and we will see what happens after that.

Notice that you say "I" am becoming... and "I" am going to take sometime for myself, You have taken charge of your life. You aren't running around trying to be what he wants you to be. Now, take this time to work on you. Build on everything that is good about you. Physically, mentally, emotionally, After a while, you will be attracting equally as healthy people It may be the old boyfriend or maybe someone even better.

Now, believe me I realize this is easy for me to say because my heart is not involved. But, I CAN say, been there, done that. I only wish I had a clear headed mentor to direct me.

Good luck. Just be the best you, you can be and the rest will fall in line.