[talaniman]

Don't be so self absorbed, and relax. Don't take things so personally.

[HurtScorpio]

Wait a second... that came off the wrong way. He cries for hiws own well being plenty and gets plenty of sympathy. The only reason and ONE and only reason I showed no sympathy to him in that instance is when I was bruised up from swimming and had a hurt arm he showed no remorse and then asked,"Is it really that bad?". I have been quite empathetic to him in other instances more so than any other relationship which is difficult after being treated like crap by an alcoholic who has no sympathy for anything and is self centered. I know I have issues. Never said it was a competition and not being immature here, just asking for advice,

[HurtScorpio]

I don't think I am being self absorbed by asking for affection? Seems the more info. I put out on the posts the more sarcasm I get, not from you so to speak but please realize that when emotions are on the line there are reasons people are asking for help. I am appreciate of your help but how does someone "not take things so personally" and I will ask my therapist this but to all who post, please keep obvious sarcasm to yourself, no offense.

[talaniman]

I wasn't being sarcastic, sorry you took it that way, I will explain my comments.

You see things through the filter of your feelings, and act on those feelings. I don't think anyone has been sarcastic so far, but I do know why you see it that way. We haven't been as empathetic as you need us to be. To be fair, we may have failed to give you very clear advice, or specific enough for you to see a definite plan.

Fair warning, I have been reading your other posts closely, the advice you give others and there are no signs of you being emotionally sensitive, or wishy washy or having a flawed view of things, or even being insecure if you want to be honest, but that changes when it comes to YOU.

I have concluded you have a problem coping with things directed AT you, and you take it to heart because its not the response you want. Actually that's a healthy thing, if its kept in perspective. Will you please stop assuming you are being attacked for chrissake! Just ask next time, "are you attacking me or something?".

Take a step back, and think before you act or speak is my humble advice, as you learn positive ways to express yourself. Now don't feel its all your fault, its not. Half your problem is how your partner handles you, how you interact, and I can tell your expectations may be a bit high, and can use some adjustments, but he himself needs to make some adjustments also, as MUCH can be gained by talking calmly.

Confession-Sometimes I lose control and become an overbearing, uncaring, lunatic. Just a confession, no comments necessary, thank you.

[QLP]

In response to your reddie, I wasn't being sarcastic, but I apologise if it came across that way. My question as to whether he too seems to have a lot of complaints was a genuine one. We aren't inside your relationship so can only try and put the pieces together from what you tell us. Sometimes couples do get a little competetive in terms of voicing their needs. Sometimes when we feel our partner is not listening to us we stop listening to them and put our own points across more and more. The reminder was meant for both of you, not just you. It was meant as a somewhat light-hearted reminder not an attack. When you described the scenario where neither of you were prepared to profer sympathy it did sound a little like a competitive situation, where you each felt your own need was the greater. I suspect part of the problem is that you cannot judge my intent fully from the written word. Always a potential problem in this sort of exchange. However, the fact that you felt so attacked does make me think you are taking things quite personally. As Talaniman says if you think you might be being attacked why not check it out rather than assuming. A simple, 'I feel like that is an attack, what are you trying to say?' might be a good idea.

There is absolutely no shame in having issues. We all have them at times. I have worked through plenty myself and I expect others will arise at times. I am so glad you are sticking around so we can keep trying. A lot of people if they felt attacked, even if that was not the intent, would have just vanished. That says a lot.

[HurtScorpio]

Thank you for explaining and it makes more sense now. I am also feeling that I am not as important as I used to be as we just moved in together a month ago and I relocated, have no job, and feel like when he is home from work there could be some focus on me. I was told today that if I expect him to sit beside me 24 hours a day that is not going to happen as he has other things to do. Just seems like I have to chase him down for a conversation and almost makes me want to just leave but where? Not like I have anywhere to go and seemingly doubt he would miss me anyway -lol.

[QLP]

Have you managed to make any friends since the move? Are you planning on looking for a job?

It seems possible that a big gap in your life might have opened since the move. He may feel that you need him to fill the whole of that gap and that may seem somewhat overwhelming. Though I do think some support while you find your feet since the move would be in order.

I'm guessing somewhat here, but I can imagine a scenario where you feel lonely and the days are long and you can't wait for him to get home, whilst he comes home from work wanting to unwind and go on as usual and feels he gets no time to himself.

It's not long since you moved in together so there's still the process of adjusting to each other's ryhthms to work through.

Maybe he needs a little unwinding space after work before he can open up to you. If he feels he doesn't get that he might be constantly backing off, trying to get it.

When we first had children I was often quite desperate for adult company by the time my husband got home. It took me a little while to realise that he needed time to adjust from his work head to his family head before we could really relax and chat together. I also found that the more I made an effort to seek out other people to spend time with during the day the less I felt such an immediate need for his attention. It gave us more to talk about too. Slightly different scenario I know but a big change from when we were both working.

If I'm wide of the mark and your days are full and happy and you just want to share that with him then do put me straight.

Just a final thought, and this is not meant sarcastically or critically, but is just a general observation: When we chase someone they might want to run away, when we wait for them to come to us, if they want to be with us, they will do so when they are ready. Hard sometimes, I know.

[talaniman]

Thank you for explaining and it makes more sense now. I am also feeling that I am not as important as I used to be as we just moved in together a month ago and I relocated, have no job, and feel like when he is home from work there could be some focus on me. I was told today that if I expect him to sit beside me 24 hours a day that is not going to happen as he has other things to do. Just seems like I have to chase him down for a conversation and almost makes me want to just leave but where? Not like I have anywhere to go and seemingly doubt he would miss me anyway -LOL.

No wonder you are having such insecurities. You have nothing to make yourself happy in your own right. You really do need to make some changes through building a life of your own that you enjoy, with friends and activities, that makes you happy. A happy person is healthy, and will have happy healthy relationships.

You need to get busy, and you will. Its only been a month! You have barely gotten started and its much to soon to quit on yourself until you have made the right efforts, and adjustments, to be happy and healthy. I wish you had told us those facts a week ago. Boy the picture is abundantly clear with more facts. I think you will be okay in 6/7 months, or a year, once you have gotten a job, and a few girlfriends to shop till you drop with.

[Homegirl 50]

It seems to me he does not meet your emotional needs and he does not seem to care that he doesn't.
That does not mean he is bad, he is just not the one for you.
Love sustains but you have to be loving the right person and that person needs to be loving you.

Maybe you two are just not compatible.

[HurtScorpio]

I am actually used to being the "caretaker" of the other person and now I feel very dependent. I had 2 great jobs straight out of college and relocated expecting with my experience that I would have no problem establishing something where I am now and I was pretty much forced to leave my old job due to taking leave for my brother's suicide attempt which was unacceptable as I took previos leave for depression from my divorce. I have been seeking employment -even things that I would never look at and I am having difficulty. I am not social, quite anti-social in fact as I am unable to trust people as I have learned they eventually leave or betray so I find it easier to isolate. I am just now beginning to trust his family which was even an issue in the beginning, My "friends had usual been my co-workers and now I speak to people via e-mail so my social network is my boyfriend.

[talaniman]

Give me a time line as how long after your divorce, and contact with the ex end, and this new relationship began, and where does your brother suicide fit into time line??

he has never lived with a girl before so he is set in his ways

I figure it will take more than a month to dispel the myths of love and high expectations before reality comes into view

[QLP]

You have had and are having some tough times. Believe me I can relate to that.

Firstly the job situation. Bad economy. New town, no contacts. Difficult I know. I have been in the position of spending an awful lot of time job hunting and the rest of the time wondering why on earth I wasn't getting anywhere. It can certainly bring you down. One day I thought to myself, 'hang on, what about all those things I was always wishing I had time for when I was working.' A walk in the park feeding the ducks. A day in the kitchen trying out new recipes. A good book I never had time to read. Of course I still had to keep going with the job applications but deciding to value and enjoy the rest of the time while I had it gave me a space in my life to really do all the things I generally never have time for.

Next your trust issues. These run deep. One thing I hadn't thought about was that losing your brother probably feels like yet someone else who let you down and left you. You are still greiving I would imagine. It takes time. A long time.

The break-down of your first marriage has presumably contributed as well.

The trouble is if we try and insulate ourselves from getting hurt we generally stop ourselves being open to the good stuff too. But those walls we make around ourselves feel safer don't they? Breaking them down takes courage, time, and help.

Keep going with the counselling. Give yourself time to grieve and heal. If you aren't ready to open up to other people yet try and open up to things you can do alone and enjoy the world around you. The first step to opening up is to open up to yourself. Quiet time sitting by a river, feeling the beauty of the place but acknowledging the sadness that the absence of other people makes us feel for example is not time wasted.

[Homegirl 50]

HurtScorpio does not find this helpful: Not sure if you have read my post from beginning to end and fully understand the situation and if not by no means do I mean to be offensive but I don't see it as a compatibility issue.

I did not say it was I said maybe it could be an issue. When a person does not meet the needs of another it can be they are not on the same page. That one needs what the other cannot or does not see the point of providing.
It can also mean there are so many things going on in your life right now, he can't.
I was making a suggestion.

[nasilele]

You are two sensitive and he is too straight forward. But if you are moving in with him, then you obviously really like him. Communication can save just about every type of relationship out there from family to friendships to sexual relationships. Have you ever actually sat down with him and told him everything you wrote above there? When it comes to my boyfriend, I struggle to talk to him about issues that we have between us, but he insists we do. Communicating does not solve the problem but it lets the other person know that we have a problem and perhaps you're boyfriend is not even aware that you feel this way.

[talaniman]

I think this is a compatibility issue. Whether you make the right adjustments to overcome it is what counts. That can be rather challenging, and time consuming.

[HurtScorpio]

I told ex-husband that I wanted a divorce in 2/ 2008 while he was in jail for his second DUI. At that time I began chatting with another person much younger and had 2 brief encounters lasting about 2 months. My ex husband got out of jail in 4/2008 still knowing my intent was divorce and still many times made phone contact and visits attempting to "win me bacK" and that he would "stop drinking" and eventually said that no, he will not stop drinking and that,"You will take me back and I will drink." I told him he had to be kidding himself and he told me I would never file divorce. I did delay the process until I met someone I fell in love with in 6/2008 and filed papers then. The divorce was final in 2/ 2009. He continued to maintain contact via text even though I was in a relationship and then he stopped in 6/ 2009. My new relation broke up 11/09 and been with current since 2/10. My brother's ATTEMPTED suicide was 3/2011 but he is still in recovery -this is in response to talaniman but comment would not post. Thanks.

[Cat1864]

Thank you for using the answer box. It gives you more room to reply than the 'comment' feature does.

One thing I notice that you have had very little time between serious relationships. Have you really taken time to get to know yourself when there isn't a man in your life?

Am I correct in thinking that this was a long distance relationship before you moved in with him? How much interaction did the two of you actually have before the decision was made for you to give up your life and move however far to be with him?

Do you have any interests that help you let go of stress and might be a way of meeting new people? Some hobbies can even be turned into money-making ventures.

Volunteer work can help on many levels to make friends, job contacts, rebuild yourself, put your past experience to work, gain new experiences that can help you broaden your resume, etc.

[talaniman]

Be patient with yourself and others as you are still healing from a lot of past emotional turmoil.

Enough to choke a horse.

[HurtScorpio]

In reply to Cat's questions, my current relationship of a year and a half was "long distance" so to speak as we lived about an hour and a half away from each other. We spoke every day at his lunch break, when he arrived home, and then before bed. We saw each other on Friday,Saturday, and Sunday where he would usually come to see me and then he would leave from my house to go to work on Monday. About once a month or less I would go see him with that same pattern. We had discussed moving in together but did not want to rush things so we waited as my previous relationship we moved in after 3 months and the guy I met at 18 that I married we moved in fairly quick as well. So, no there really has not been a long time of living alone. He, as I said, is 2 years older than myself and has never lived w/ a female -has had male room-mates in the past but usually had his own place. He as mentioned before as well is meticulous as the way he wants things done, his cleaning habits, and cconsiders how I live "messy" although it is far beyond. I have a comfortable feeling being alone and hobbies I have are w/in the home such as painting and non-social. I tend to work on trying to trust people and now our latest issue is his nieces and nephews visiting often and him saying I am "jealous or hateful" of them as they easily stress me as they cater to them esp. the 4 yr. old as a "princess" who is demanding and I decided I do not want kids. His family is SO close and something about that almost irritates me -not the kids. Is that odd?
"

[HurtScorpio]

Yes, I understand that however when I explain this to him he is annoyed and says it is an excuse just as the depression is dramatic and he often says ,"i am really getting tired of it." He knew everything in the beginning but it is funny how even when you are open with a person they think they can "handle it" . Sometimes I just want to go back to how it was with the long distance relationship but the problem is financially where I was I could not afford it as the rent is higher, finding a job is more difficult, and I really do want to work on things. I am frustrated by his coping mechanisms of avoidance, sleeping on the couch, saying it is all me (which I don't deny a lot is however it takes two), and his game of "I am perfect" which he says as an avoidance joke but knows it drives me crazy.