[mae07]

When a child is mistakenly conceived, drama of different forms becomes inevitable. I am a 24 year old grad student. I have been with my boyfriend/fiancee (not sure what the status is right now) of 7 years recently found out he has a child. The 7 years we have been together wasn't consistent, meaning both us had relationship with other people, but after 1-2 months we always end up back together. Last July, we had one of our usual fight and decided to take time apart. We did. He started having a relationship with an 18 year old girl whom we went to high school with. (We were seniors, while then, the girl was a freshman) when I found out about that relationship, I was beyond digusted, perhaps truthfully, my ego was shattered. It was the first time I ever got involve with his relationships. At first I thought id completely lost him, he argued to me constantly about how this girl made him feel like a "man", he felt in control, he felt smarter, he felt good about himself. I did not realize how much 'unmanly' I've made him feel. So I backed off, because the more I fought the more he pushed me away the more I realize I was losing him. In nov. We were planned to go to italy for my sister wedding which we've know for 2 years now. We knew we had to go. About 2 weeks before we had to leave, he started calling me again and apologiizing for everything he had done. He told me the girl, made him pick between her and I and he picked me. Since then, we were back together, and stronger than we have ever been in the last 6 years. The girl tried to reach to him a couple of times, but he continuously ignored it. Then this pass week, he got a text from the girl telling him his a father. He kept it from me for 2 days, and when he finally told me. My heart broke in trillion pieces. This is my worst nightmare. At that moment I knew both of our lives changed.

These past few days have been a total whirlwind. My boyfriend's family do not accept this child until a dna test is presented to them. But my boyfriend already accepted this child and provided it with whatever items it needed. We have not spokent much but from what his parents and his friends told me, when he found out, his main concern was my well-being and how he does not want to lose me. =( so far, his been calling and texting non-stop. His convinced this is just another obstacle in our relationship. But to me this is much bigger than that.

Now, my dilemma is, should I stay? As far as I'm concerned, I have the ultimate power in this situation. I can fully eject myself out of the situation and be okay, BUT, I love this man so much and I don't know if I'm capable of physically, emotionally, and mentally separate myself from him. Besides, he did not fail to reassure me that he does not want a relationship with the girl, that this is strictly about the baby and his responsibility to it. But the 'what if', continually runs through my head, remembering how now, I'm no longer the priority, just makes me crazy.

So now, what should I do? How should I start with anything? For now, I refuse to speak to the girl, I tell my boyfriend not to speak too much about the baby because it bothers me a lot. I don't want to restrict his visits to his child, but I can't help it. I can't help but force myself to control the situation. Its so difficult, because I know I can not. What do I do? Reading some other thread about this topic doesn't seem to help. How do I deal with the emotional anxiety, how do I start this accepting process? What's my first step?

So far, the baby mama isn't asking for anything but support, but she still constantly calls him and when she does my blood boils and I automatically get frustrated at my boyfriend. How do I change that reaction? Also, more than ever, my boyfriend is asking me to marry him. He says, he wants to be sure I'm not going to leave him, and honestly the idea sounds appealing but the what ifs and how's are just constantly questioning what I think I need. So what now? What do I do?

[Fr_Chuck]

You first have a poor / bad relationship with your boyfriend.

Next he should ask for a DNA test and then file for visits with the child. And you don't need to talk to the mother of the child at all, but your boyfriend will, he will not only talk but have to see her when he wants to know about her when he first walks, first talks and more. Then school plays and more as the child gets older.

At least on weekends the child should be at the home of the father.

You don't get married now, you wait maybe a year and be sure this is not merely a together time between break ups

[mae07]

Our relationship is not poor or bad. It works for us and that's that.

The mother will not allow my boyfriend have the baby without her being there. Meaning if my boyfriend wants to take the baby home, I have to leave my own house for them? I do not think so.

[Fr_Chuck]

1. who cares what the mother wants, he has legal rights to visit, he merely has to file in court, he merely is not fighting for his rights

2. relationship, breaking up all the time, for a month or two, being with other people that fast after you do break up. Sorry that is a poor relationship.

[mae07]

1. That's something, I guess w have yet to figure out. Does that work even if the baby did not take his name?
2. I guess, I never thought of it that way. It made sense to us. Its funny how when we finally realize we want to commit, something like this happends. It must be sign of sme sort.

Thanks for the response by the way.

[Jake2008]

If you aren't sure whether your man is your fiancé, or boyfriend, and you two have had an on again off again relationship for 7 years, what makes you think that the relationship won't continue to be off and on as it has been, or what makes you think that he is now suddenly marriage material.

You have both been with other people during the time you were in the 'off again' stage of your relationship. That you have broken up so many times, only to get back together and break up again, why do you think that now you are both committed and stable enough in the relationship to raise a child together? (at least part time). Can you see yourself with him, and his child, and his child's mother, for the next 20 years or so?

He is about 24 years old, and has an 18 year old pregnant. She will need a lot of support, and not just financially at her age, to raise this child. You will be dealing with a man who will be very involved, financially and otherwise, with her, her family, and his child.

I don't get the impression with his track record that he can do this alone. How much of his sudden need to be married to you, is a matter of him having a second 'mom' around to help him be a responsible father.

He is convinced as you said, that this baby is 'just another obstacle' in your relationship. What a cold hearted way to describe a life he has created. An 'obstacle'.

If I were in your shoes, I would not seriously consider attempting a long term relationship via marriage with a man that has never been committed for the long term over the past 7 years, let alone consider a long term relationship with him that now involves the life of a child, and all the other complications. I would absolutely not use the child as a reason to stay with him, marry him, or take on the role of a mother to this child.

That's just me.

I hope for all concerned, if he is the father, that he can be a better father for the next couple of decades, than he has been a boyfriend/fiance to you, over the past 7 years.

[talaniman]

You have been trying to build something with this fellow for 7 years. Yet you have no clues about the future or the present for that matter.

I think you wait until things work in there own way before you make decisions. Like wait and see how he handles his business as a man and father.

Until then, stay at a safe distance from his problems and issues. Personally, I never went for that break up to make up stuff, and 7 years is way to long to be still doing it.

[mae07]

I might have explain our relationship experiences incorrectly, so let me explain better. We had our first 'break up' at the end of our senior year of high school, which was completely understandable because we both are going away to college. I believe he was with another girl for about 8 months while I was with another person for approximately 6 months. We reconnected around the end of our sophomore year of college when I transferred to a different school. We were in good terms since then until July 2010 when this girl came into the picture. So it wasn't like we switch boy/girlfriends every year.

But anyway, jake, I sincerely agree with you. I feel like he does see me as a second mom, to help him raise this child. But after all that said, still, what do I do? How I can possibly detach myself from this man? He made a mistake, a very BIG irreparable mistake. But he is trying to make it right, by providing for this. So now what? What's my next move?

Talan, I do not understand "wait for things to work out?" please further explain. I'd like to understand it more.

[Jake2008]

May, I would not get involved with a man who has managed to get a teenager pregnant. Just that fact alone, and that his entire life is going to be changed, and the direction will all be caused by the addition of a child in his life, that he did not plan for. For any of us who have had children, after planning, saving etc. it is still a major life adjustment that will test the resolve of a saint. For you to step into his life in a more permanent way, i.e. marrying him, you now have to consider all possible hardships that you are going to go through, and decide if this is how you want to spend the next 20+ years of your life.

I know it is hard to suddenly switch horses, become a loving supportive partner/wife, and a very big influence in this child's life- and not by choice. Children are so precious, and deserve the love and dedication of two parents. That he sees this child as 'an obstacle' as you've said, only shows his immaturity in my opinion. He is minimizing the tremendous consequences of sleeping with a teenager who has become pregnant while having casual sex. That is tragic in itself. But where does that put you.

Squarely in the middle of the mess he has created I'd say. Until he sorts out his business, I see no reason for you to take on any role until he figures out what he is prepared to do, how he goes about taking responsibility, and what kind of father he is prepared to be. His actions will speak louder than words.

If I were in your position, that is what I would do. Maintain your independence, and have enough respect for yourself and your life, that you decide what you are, and are not comfortable with. Let him deal with the pregnant young woman, her parents, lawyers, etc. and keep a respectful distance. There is no reason for you to suddenly jump into the role of step mother, fiancé, or bride, right this very minute.

I would probably tell him that I don't want to hear anything to do with the young woman or the pregnancy, until at least he knows for certain the child is his. At that point, there will be a lot of work to be done on his part to establish visitation, support, etc. Let him take care of that. He will have to deal with the mother of his child for a couple of decades- not you.

If, down the road, he has established himself as a responsible adult, and parent, and only then, would I begin to involve myself in the upbringing of his child. IF that happens at all. While he may have limited his chances for the luxury of not being a parent- if she is pregnant, it is his life that will change just as much as the mother's life, and most importantly, the life of this child.

Maybe wait and see for a while. But don't be shy to speak your mind, voice your concerns, establish boundaries, and let him know that you will consider all things, after a) he knows whether this child is his, and b) how he changes and manages his life in order to be a good father.

Only after you are assured of that, in my opinion, would be the time to make serious decisions about your own life, and whether there is a place where you are completely sure that you want to go with him.

[talaniman]

talan, I do not understand "wait for things to work out?" please further explain. I'd like to understand it more.

I think Jake2008 said it quite well.

[mae07]

Jake, you are wise. Thank you. I will definitely take your wisdom in great consideration.

I will be truthful,however, it is easier to read and plan out everything that you should do, but when it comes down to actually doing it, it because extremely challenging. With all of your advices, as well as family & friends of course, I know in time I will make the best decision for me. Thank you.

[Jake2008]

I hope this all works out for you mae.

Another thing to consider after I posted my last post to you was this. Should you choose to stay with your boyfriend, you also allow yourself to open up your heart and love a child too. The child as well, learns to love you, and should your relationship with him not work out, it will not be just your heart that will be broken.

Best of luck to you.

[mae07]

Besides all that I know, and after reading tons of other forums about this topic. I feel as though, I'm just as confuse, if not more. Am I incredibly stupid for loving a man like this? Moreless, actually considering staying? The fact remains that my life will completely change if I really do decide to stay. But the response I read here and other sites just keeps replaying in my head. Adding more to my never ending what ifs and how.

The mother already told my man that she does not want him to take the child without her. Meaning if the grandparents wants to see the child, she has to tag along! How should I handle something like that?

I know it seems as though I did not listen to any of your advice, but I seriously cannot help how I feel. I'm so torn and confuse and totally out of it. Its like I know what I should do, but I just can't make the first step!

[talaniman]

It's a life changing decision for sure, and there are no easy dried and cut answers. I only ask that you put yourself, and YOUR interest first, because you are the one in the middle, as those two dance their dance, that may well go on for YEARS to come.

The goal, is to be happy, and be out of their mess.

[mae07]

I was never really my own priority. I always saw myself as the one who gives happiness rather than get happiness. I guess that, I have to work on myself.

Thank you again, you guys have no idea how much these response. Its helping me a lot. It enables me to express myself anonymously without being completely laughed at.

[jamiahart]

I Have been through the exact situation and I'm still with my boyfriend?fiancé watever... but I'm not telling you to stay because this is very very very difficult... in the beginning when the bby was first born he was not there... I didn't want him to bring her up... the bby up or anything and if he did I would get very upset and my stomach would boil... his child is now one and he's in his life now but his bby mama was trying to get with him bhind my back and all but he let me know so be careful of that too... im just now seeying his bby for the first time and I was crushed... and you will be too... because now I feel like I'm second and what if I have a little boy what would I name him..?. because of course she made her child a jr... its just sooooo stressful and nomatter how hard you try things will never be the same because you will always look at the child like... "your not mines"... and don't get marriend to him because marriage is just a title don't get married for the wrong reasons or to make the bby mama mad... >personal info deleted<

[mae07]

Jamia, your still with him? How's the relationship with him? Is it progressing? How did you handle all the emotion? Cause I'm seriously at that point right now. The baby was born last week, I've seen only pictures, but my boyfriend have seen the baby and held her and all that. I must admit, I felt extremely umcomfortable especially when my boyfriend told me he cried. Its something I cannot take from him, yet I wish I can. My boyfriend have actually been really good, and seriously taking my feelings in consideration. For example, today the mother ask my boyfriend if he could bring her to dmv to get her license because she supposedly lost it. But my boyfriend told her no because her request has nothing to do with the baby. I must admit, I was completely surprised. As for marriage, we were planning to eloped long before we found out (the mother kept the pregnancy in secret until she gave birth) it was planned for aug. But now, I don't know. But anyway, how are you holding up? Does the anger, frustration, and confusion subside eventually?

[jamiahart]

Okay your just at the beginning of it all so its going to be really really hard... now I don't know what kind of bby mama your dealing with but I was?am dealing wit a childish... ghetto.. liddle girl... in the beginning everything was kind of okay but her family kept tryna come over && bring up the bbys name in front of me && stuff (because must I remind you she had a boy && made him a jr) so of course I was really upset & stuff... but when the bby got here he went and seen him at the hospital without me & I was so mad... but he has not been in his child's life until now... because we live in different cities then the bby mama... but my boyfriends baby mama is his best friend (which is also my bestfriend) sister... && we are as of right now at his friends house & I just seen the baby for the first time like a week ago... I was sooo crushed... it luked like him and everything thing... I didn't know how to react.. && before we came to see him(the bby) over the whole year up until now his bby mama was sending me pics

[mae07]

Yea. I definitely am. My relationship to the mother is non-existant. She's a lot younger than me. So yes, she is also extremely immature, childish, and tough acting. Right now, I don't think we will get along but I truly hope that in the future, we can somehow be civil if ever that time comes. Does your boyfriend lie to you about her though, like little stuff like who his talking too? Or something along that line? I feel like at times, my boyfriend does. I don't think he does it because he wants to hurt me but merely because his scared ill get hurt more, not really realizing that that in itself is hurting me. I don't know, I still have tons of questions!

Thank you for sharing.

[jamiahart]

Well ask me anything and ill tell you because I've been through it but to answer your question No my boyfriend doesn't lie to me about her... My boyfriend does not speak to her at all what so ever... my boyfriend has his best friend go & get the bby and stuff we don't associate with her or anything... but before she used to send me pics and write me on my email even when she had his information... now imma let you know that being civil in this situation is not going to work... I tried being civil.. I even offered my own money to buy the bby clothes but his bby mama still wanted to have drama && it will always be that way because she will always feel like she should be the one with him and you will always feel like you should be the one with his child. I mean its always going to be frustrating because even when your trying to be the bigger person she will do something that will make you want to just snapp... like for instance the bbys first birthday she's going to want him there not for the bby but just to be around her

Ontop of that last year I had a miscarriage and she forund out and she sent me another pic and was saying all kinds of hatful things like that's what you get... && I have his bby and not you... so I've delt with a lot of mess with this girl but as of lately she hasn't been doing that but she keeps trying to be funny because we were really supposed to be down here taking a vacation and relaxin but she just kept having her brother send her bby over here... and when the bby is around you will not be paid any attention espicially now because your boyfriend has a newborn and my bf's bby is like one and I was having to wake up at 600 in the mornin because the bby kept waking up crying & ifely like I shouldn't lose my sleep because he made a mistake.. && that was good of your boyfriend to not take the mama to th dmv but nomatter how much you try not to think about it you will

Then she sent the bby over here with dirty clthes and no dipers and stuff so that he could buy them and he's paying child support