[artichoke]

I have an amazing boyfriend. He's everything I have ever wanted in life. For the most part he is sweet, kind, generous and loving. He's my best friend as well as my boyfriend. The one thing that really bothers me is for the past year and a bit, his job has been making him really depressed and angry.

It's gotten so bad that he won't have sex with me anymore. He won't even let me touch him! He's lost all interest in sex. We've been together about 2 years and at the start, everything with our sex life was fantastic. Over the past year and a bit though, we've had sex less and less. Sometimes it's once every two weeks, sometimes once a month. I have tried literally everything, sexy underwear, dressing up as his secret fantasies, I've tried being blunt and forward about wanting to have sex and I've tried dropping sexy, sly hints and I've tried doing nothing at all, and waiting to see if he'll come to me but he never, ever does. It's always me who initiates everything.

I've tried to talk to him about it but he usually always just gets angry at me for wanting to talk about it. I've suggested soooo many things he can do to help himself, but he's never taken my advice or done anything about it himself. I ended up having to tell him that if he didn't do anything about it, then I don't know if I could always keep doing this because it is so hard to always be so supportive and patient when there's nothing to be patient for and this made me feel horrible. I couldn't believe I said that to him, but I don't know how supportive and patient he expects me to be!

I don't just want him to get help for myself, I want it for him too. He seems so unhappy and unconfident. This makes me so sad to see him like this. All I want is for him to be happy because I love him with all my heart.

I maybe try and talk to him about it once a month, and have maybe been pressuring at times, but mostly I am patient and supporting about this problem. I have felt like I was being pressuring at times, but usually when I feel really frustrated at him and I end up feeling horrible for it.

There's been times when I have questioned if it is his job that's the problem and not just me. He seems to be able to get on with every other aspect of his life fine. He still has a good social life, and is generally laid back mostly.

There's been times when I have cried because I feel like he pays no attention to me at all. I wonder what's wrong with me, I feel ugly and fat and horrible. I get ashamed to look at myself. I have lost all confidence in myself as a woman. I sometimes feel myself begging him and bugging him for attention, which makes me feel so disgusting and degraded. Why should I have to beg for attention from the man who is supposed to love me?

I know deep down it probably is because of his job, I know he gets down because of his job. He actually hates his job. But I can't help but feel useless and everything. I should at least be able to turn my boyfriend on.

Another problem that ties in with everything is that he's become a very angry man. Every time we argue he gets very aggressive. He's never hit me or anything but he shouts and screams at me telling me to shut up and F**K off etc. Sometimes this reduces me to tears and I feel like my heart is breaking but he just does not seem to care at that point.

I have no idea what to do anymore. I really don't. I don't know if I'm doing anything to help or just making it worse. I don't know how to make him realise that he needs help. I don't know how to make him happy anymore.

Any advice anyone has for me would be seriously appreciated.

[Wondergirl]

I have an amazing boyfriend.

That was your first sentence. The rest of what you wrote told me he is not amazing at all. Why are you still with him?

[artichoke]

Well, because I love him with all my heart. I don't want to give up on him because I know he would never give up on me. I don't really think he realises how it makes me feel. He's very embarrassed and ashamed of all of this and finds it difficult to talk about. He does get angry and defensive about it. I do think it is all because of his job deep down though. He seems quite depressed sometimes. I just want to help him but I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Wondergirl]

Well, because I love him with all my heart.

That's not enough.

I don't want to give up on him because I know he would never give up on me.

How do you know that?

I don't really think he realises how it makes me feel.

You haven't told him time and time again?

He's very embarrassed and ashamed of all of this and finds it difficult to talk about.

Has he told you he's embarrassed and ashamed, or is that how YOU would feel?

He does get angry and defensive about it. I do think it is all because of his job deep down though.

Or maybe it's because of something else deeper than that.

He seems quite depressed sometimes. I just want to help him but i just don't know what to do anymore.

Have you considered going to counseling by yourself? (I'm guessing he won't go.) I think that would be a good idea that you go, to run all this past an unbiased mental health professional.

[joypulv]

You are in love with a memory. STOP trying to make him be what he was. If you feel undesirable because he isn't interested, you can't make him be - you either accept who he is or you break up. It's pretty clear that you try over and over and over, which is only making it worse.

Someone did a study of male interest in sex after a relationship had settled in, and discovered oddly enough that it wasn't about lingerie and being sexy, it was admiration of prowess in work. The old cave man 'slaying the saber tooth tiger' and bringing home the bacon. So it isn't surprising that he feels emasculated by a lousy job. Try sharing his dissatisfaction and letting him tell you what it is that he hates about it, and don't tell him solutions or give any pep talks, just listen. Eventually ask him if there's anything you can do to help, and tell him that he deserves more and is still a man who can do anything.

[BK201]

He should understand that office and work should not be brought back home, vice versa. You have tried talking to him in vain already. Tell him clearly that you are worried, you are not happy at all and ask him to decide what he can do about it.