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sexymama2 · Jul 4, 2011, 07:47 AM

OK so I been with this guy for a year, and recently his bm (who he's not with) found out about me and him. When she confronted both of us instead of talking she comes charging and their son was there. I didn't want to get into any physical fight, even though I could (I did took self defense class)i chose not to. I didn't want to fight his bm in front of the child. I know what's it like to see your parents get into a fight. Anywayi want to continue my relationship with my boyfriend because I do love him and he loves me, but how do I deal with his bm and not get into a fight. I want to be a good role model for his son. FYI: his son stays with them bm on weekdays and he sees his son on weekends. He is not paying child support, they have a mutual agreement that they don't have to go to court as long as he continues to support them and she is allowing him to see their son on the weekend.

ScottGem · Jul 4, 2011, 08:06 AM

First, I suggest your boyfriend go to court now and get court ordered visitation and child support setup. Because right now he is subject to the whim of the mother. If she decides to withhold visitation he will have to go to court anyway. And anything he pays will be considered a gift and not go towards child support if she takes him to court. He should, however, document everything he pays towards support.

But your question was how to deal with the mother and I'm not sure there is any good way. Her reaction when she found out about indicates she probably had some illusions that someday they would get back together. So she will always see you as a threat. I would first try having your boy friend talk to her and let her know, in no uncertain terms, that they are over as a couple. But she needs to respect his choices for relationships for the sake of their child.

Another possibility is invited her to lunch someplace. Explain to her that she is not going break up your relationship so she might as well make the best of it for the sake of the child.

sexymama2 · Jul 4, 2011, 08:27 AM

Thanks for the help, my boyfriend tried to go to court but when he was paying child support it ate up his check to the point where he can't support himself, and she was keeping his son away from him. Secondly I tried to talk to him about telling her about us and yet he keeps avoiding it. Thirdly with her reaction that day, I wonder if they are sleeping together or making her believe they could get back together. I would love to go to lunch with her but one I don't have her number and two I don't know if my boyfriend will give me the number. He say's he loves me but yet when she came over to fight me, he was the one who told me to leave. Like I said I didn't want to be a bad role model for his son, and if we continue this relationship I didn't want his son looking at me thinking I was the one who was fighting his mother so that's y I did leave. I would love any advice I get right now because I have kids to and I don't need this drama going on.

ScottGem · Jul 4, 2011, 08:38 AM

Well you tell a slightly different story this time. You need to get him to talk about this. If he refuses then I'm not sure where the relationship is going to go.

About court, is there a court ordered support and visitation in place? If he is not adhering to the support order in place, even with the mother's approval, he is playing russian roulette. But that's a question he needs to ask.

talaniman · Jul 4, 2011, 12:07 PM

Wake up please as this whole thing is about HIM not handling his business correctly. Even if she is a psycho, they obviously still have unresolved unfinished business, and I don't care what he says, you are odd man out.

Stay out of both their lives until he can do better. Baby mama or not, no self respecting man allows any one to dictate what goes on in his own house. Like you said, you don't need this drama, and neither do your kids.

Jake2008 · Jul 4, 2011, 07:16 PM

I would personally not get mixed up with a man who has a psycho 'ex' girlfriend, and no formal arrangements for visitation/support etc. And I wouldn't believe him when he says that his ex controls him. And I wouldn't believe that he will pay more if he does things properly, than what he is paying now. IF he's paying at all. If he needs to get two jobs to have peace in his life and meet his obligations to support his child, so be it.

He chose her remember, and for whatever reason he chooses to be subject to her demands, to the point where he is 'not allowed' to have other relationships. What kind of a father would risk, or allow himself, to lose contact with his child in the first place. He needs a lawyer, and he knows it.

The bigger question is why he hasn't done the right thing for his child.

Should anyone go to attack you, call the police. Anyone capable of doing what this 'ex' is doing, including threats to you, should be held accountable for her actions.

I would be very, very leary of any man in such a position with an apparent 'ex'.

kcomissiong · Jul 5, 2011, 07:12 AM

Have you asked him why he is hiding the relationship from her? In many cases, its because their relationship is not over. Why is he more concerned about her feelings than yours? It sounds like their relationship is his priority, not yours.

If he wanted to protect his visitation rights, he would go to court and do it. He has to have this level of contact with her because he has not handled the situation concerning his child properly. There are avenues available if he wants to formalize visitation, and he NEEDS to formalize child support for the benefit of his child, and his own protection.