[snakebiteadl]

Hi,

Its been a while... basically I took all of your advice about my previous two situations and thankfully, everything has worked out great. So firstly my sincere gratitiude for your support.

I've been making real waves in my professional life most recently, concentrating on that. I'd over the last few months I've had a kind of casual flirtation with a girl who I would say is pretty much who I'd want to be with - she is extremely compatible.

Now things had been going great, we've been going out (mixed groups) and flirting whilst in the company of our friends etc. She initiates other forms of contact with me (fb, text etc) and I reciprocate. I turned her down the other week to go to a party with her (now this was for a genuine reason and also because you don't want to be someone's lapdog right?) However have heard very little from her since until a few days ago at work, where I lead a 2 hour seminar on changes to our business (the session went well - I am a stand up in my spare time so I like to keep these session light and I think that's why I get a fair amount of interest from ladies at work) HOWEVER - the day this girl happened to be in there was the HOTTEST day I have ever experienced in my working life. Im talking about sweating out of every pore... I couldn't disguise it, my shirt was clearly drenched, my forehead dripping with perspiration. Has this cost me all the rapport that I had now built up? I felt so self conscious (and foolishly kept drawing reference to it) I mean everyone was boilign in this room, but I usually come across so calm and collected and I was just one sweating giant mess at this seminar - THOUGHTS?

[Homegirl 50]

How is going to a party with someone being their lapdog?
Do you really think sweating cause it's hot would cause her to see you in a different light more so than turning down going to a party with her because you're not a lapdog?
What reason did you give her for turning her down?

[Wondergirl]

I don't understand why you had to draw attention to the physical signs of your discomfort. You say you were sweating like a pig, as was everyone else, so why constantly announce the obvious? When someone comes into my house, I don't point out the cobwebs in the corners or the dust on flat surfaces.

I too don't understand the lapdog reference.

After I read your post, my thought was, "This guy is his own worst enemy."

[snakebiteadl]

I couldn't attend the party with her as I had other plans, my point was not being at someone's beck and call is a bit more attractive than being a yes man.


As for the sweating, as I was leading the seminar - and was wearing a shirt that highlighted massive patches it was difficult to avoid as everyone was focused on me.

Do you think I have lost my attractiveness?

[Wondergirl]

do you think I have lost my attractiveness?

Because you sweat on a hot day? Isn't that putting her in a pretty superficial basket?

Going to a party at her invitation is being her lapdog, being at her beck and call?

Why are you so preoccupied by appearances? An egocentric attitude is what is making you unattractive.

[snakebiteadl]

I think it's because I had my confidence knocked by a bad break up / this girl is amazing and I think I just want every time I see her for me to be this well presented and calm and confident guy. I was under the circumstances at as much ease as I could be - making jokes, some self deprecating etc.

[Jake2008]

Ok, so you are trying to impress her, and you're not wanting to come across as a horn dog, so by not jumping in right away (with dating), you think that may interest her more. Especially after all the flirting, and you seeing the two of you as compatible, and it was her that stepped up and asked YOU out. Yet, you backed off, and backed away.

So, how can you attribute any of this to now furthing reasons to keep her at bay (IF she's still interested after being let down). I doubt that she sees sweat, as you being any different than the person she chose to ask out; hot day, everybody sweated buckets- what's the big deal.

What you might have considered instead of the game playing with having "other plans", was to suggest another night, and set something else up. You could have followed up with her via text or email thanking her for the offer, and can you see your way clear to having lunch next Tuesday.

But, you avoided everything. You are building up this huge picture of wanting to simply date this girl, with reasons that don't make sense, as to why you don't.

That really is the bottom line. So let's take away the sweat, and presume everyone was just as uncomfortable as you were, and also felt a little uncomfortable, and let's take away the mistake of not handling her offer better, and... what stops YOU from asking her out?

[snakebiteadl]

Thanks for this - I did actually suggest that we do something last weekend but it didn't materialize. I must admit - I kind of thought I'd just 'bump' into her and it be casual as we go to the same places etc. Tis my own fault therefore and I realise this.

Ive tried desperately not to see this girl as out of my league or I'm not good enough etc - but I guess I've maybe got some core issues to work out. She was clearly drawn to my confidence and friendliness originally but now I feel like I'm going into my shell a little. I really don't want to ask her out by text but I don't know now when I'm going to see her again... I'm an idiot!

[Cat1864]

She initiates other forms of contact with me (fb, text etc) and i reciprocate...

...However have heard very little from her since until a few days ago at work...

Does this mean that you initiate some of the contact or that you respond when she contacts you? How much contact do you initiate?

What in your interactions with her so far lead you to think she wants you to be a 'lap dog'?

Why text? Why don't you put your fears on a leash and call her?

If you are so worried about the 'big sweat', use it for material. You say you are a 'stand up' in your 'other life' so work with what you've got. Make a joke out of it. If she is as compatible as you think she is, she will probably respond in kind. On Facebook, send her a link to Frosty, the Snowman, melting with a quip about you finally understand how he felt. Invite her to out for ice cream or an iced coffee. If available, ice skating might work. If she doesn't share your sense of humor over this, then maybe she isn't the person you want her to be.

Don't work yourself up over it so much that you lose perspective. Keep firmly in mind that she isn't one of the women from your past. Let the relationship-friendship or romance-develop at its own pace. Try to keep yourself from breaking up with her before you even have an official date.

Good luck.

[snakebiteadl]

I have sporadically initiated, and I respond accordingly to her messages etc.

Nothing in her interactions makes me think I would be her lap dog - it's just she has loads of guys orbiting her.

Do you know what next time I see her I'm going to ask her out...

I love this advice column really kicks you into gear