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pink1988 · Jun 24, 2011, 09:49 AM

I have been dating a guy for a year now, and a lot of things have happened. At first our relationship was great (like they ALL are).. but then Jealousy started kicking in, I admitted to him along time ago that I USED to be attracted to tattooed guys(years ago), which I am not anymore, so now every time a tattooed guy walks by, even though I Don't find him attractive, I quickly look down so he can't accuse me of checking him out, and he still does! Every single time a tattooed guy walks by.

He then became obsessed with my past, he demanded to know every name of every Ex I have, how many people I've slept with, and when. He wants to bring his computer nerd friend over to check the history on the computers of things that happened and emails that were wrote BEFORE we dated. Yes, BEFORE. And he looked all my exes up on the computer, and whenever he works if a guy comes in that even kind of looks like one of my exes he thinks its him, and when I come in his work to see him he accuses me of hanging out with that ex.

Awhile ago, he admitted that he lost his virginity to me, which is why I suspect he is so obsessed with my sexual past because he doesn't have one. We are both in our twenties (not sure if age matters, just thought I would put that.) We have horrible fights with name calling, a lot of our family members feel our tension and don't have any faith in our relationship... I don't even think I do anymore.

I guess it should be pretty self-explainatory what I should do. I keep thinking that maybe I should help him, maybe it will change, maybe if I continue to TRY to prove myself to him he will stop. Its been going on for awhile now, will it ever stop? Is this like putting a bandaid on a broken arm? I don't have trust issues, I don't care about his exes, why should I? This is crazy.

Wondergirl · Jun 24, 2011, 09:59 AM

Originally Posted by pink1988

I dont have trust issues, I dont care about his exes, why should I? This is crazy.

You may not have trust issues, but we know someone who does -- and who also has a problem with control, don't we.

You can't fix him. His insecurity will get worse. It may become more than emotional and verbal abuse and turn into physical abuse.

Are you thinking the same thing I am?

pink1988 · Jun 24, 2011, 10:46 AM

Yes I am, it just hurts to know I can't do anything to help. But I know I don't deserve it.

talaniman · Jun 24, 2011, 10:46 AM

I guess it should be pretty self-explanatory what I should do.

Run like hell from this crazy fool!

I keep thinking that maybe I should help him, maybe it will change, maybe if I continue to TRY to prove myself to him he will stop. Its been going on for awhile now, will it ever stop?

I doubt he can change while you are with him!!

Is this like putting a band aid on a broken arm? I don't have trust issues, I don't care about his exes, why should I? This is crazy.

After a year, you are finding out his true character, and you don't like it. I wouldn't either, and the best way to help him is NOT to put up with this kind of crazy behavior, because if you do, you will get more of it. Demand he stop acting like a fool, and if he shows a hint of back sliding dump him IMMEDIATELY! This gets worse, not better. I agree, its crazy!!

pink1988 · Jun 24, 2011, 10:50 AM

Yes I am, it just kind of hurts to know I can't do anything to help, but I know I don't deserve it. Its funny, I've heard of girls whose boyfriends have done this to them, I would always say "Leave him then!" and then I would say they were dumb and that's what I would do. Its amazing how things change when you find yourself in the same situation.

Wondergirl · Jun 24, 2011, 11:00 AM

Its amazing how things change when you find yourself in the same situation.

Oh, so true, so true! I think that's where that expression came from: "Physician, heal thyself!"

Now, what are you going to do and how are you going to do it? I'm here with you all the way, as much as I can be. Others here will support you too.

pink1988 · Jun 24, 2011, 11:05 AM

Honestly. I don't know lol. I was thinking about trying the whole "Change or I will leave you". See if that works, doubt it will. Either way I am not putting my guard down. Because I'm at the point where I don't see things changing, just getting worse (like they have been)

Wondergirl · Jun 24, 2011, 11:20 AM

Naw, you can 't threaten him. You can't blackmail him into changing by threatening that you will dump him. That won't work and will backfire in your face. He will get only meaner.

You and I know it won't get better. I'm a counselor, and know that he won't think about change until he hits rock-bottom and realizes he's the problem -- and that day may not come for a long time, if ever.

There are so many nice guys out there just waiting to meet you. Why continue to spin your wheels with this guy? Yes, you and I would both like to "save" him, but experience tells me we can't do it. I sure would love to sit him down on my counseling couch, though, and find out where his need to control is coming from. It sounds trite, but usually it's something in childhood, and it's something that will take a lot of work to overcome. He's not even at the point yet where he realizes it's a problem.

Take my hand. Let's get out of here.