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Nohitter410 · Jan 29, 2007, 09:35 PM

I am sure he still cares about you and this girlfriend is just a way of helping him move on from you. He has not completely gotten over to you but that shouldn't be your concern. You need to stop contact completely and if he does call answer and tell him you would appreciate it if you stopped calling. I know you would like to be cordial and be friends but you still harbor great feelings and it would be unfair to you to try that route. You need much more no contact especially since it was a 5 year relationship.

You are no ones backup plan and shouldn't have to sit there and wait for him. Go out and live your life and if the situations arise where it draws you two together so be it but him stringling you along is not good. You can have many other friends why does it have to be someone you still love and have much more greater feelings than normal feelings people have for their friends.

talaniman · Jan 29, 2007, 10:04 PM

Stop listening by being unavailable to him and his texts or emails. It no longer matters about his intentions and motivations and you are still vulnerable to what he says. Do you really think he has changed or has he found a way to keep in touch and work on getting back on your good side. Nip his access to you in the bud now or be confused and mislead from your path to moving on.

origins13 · Feb 4, 2007, 08:04 PM

Hi, probably some of you have read or remember my previous posts. My story is similar to those who shared in this forum - girl in 5-yrs relationship, broke up few months ago, hurt, upset, ex now has new girlfriend.

My ex started callling me again two weeks ago. Was surprised but managed to stay in a casual chat. Then he kept calling me on a regular basis, 'updating' me on his life. He's in the midst of planning out his career, changing job, and is very stressed out. I suppose he just wanted a friend to chat with. But eventually I got very uncomfortable as I still have feelings for him and knowing that he's already seeing someone really hurts me. I admit I still have a tiny hope that he's calling to ask for a reconciliation. He even told me that he misses hearing my voice! But nope, as expected, he only calls to chat. Then I have reached a point that I told him I couldn't chat with him and asked him to leave me alone. He got very upset and started accusing me of being such a cold and mean friend who refuses to give him support when he needed it. I don't understand why he still calls me when he has a girlfriend already! Am I being too mean to him?

Anyway, just writing to vent it out and really need a hug now :o

kaitou · Feb 4, 2007, 09:25 PM

*hugs*

I think he should respect you, and leave you alone for a while. Until your feelings are settled. He's not much of a friend, if he can't understand that.

SouthernBelle06 · Feb 4, 2007, 10:34 PM

I feel for you. My ex put me through this very same thing too. Breaking up with me, being with another girl soon afterwards... well in fact, he broke up with me to be with another girl really, and then, even though I asked him not to, kept contacting me over and over to talk to me as "just friends" as if everything was just peachy. It hurts to hear updates from an ex's life when you still have feelings for them. Why do they not realize this? So, like you, I had to tell him I couldn't stay in contact with him, making me look like the "bad guy" in the situation and I felt guilty and "mean" too. His contacting me certainly delayed my getting over him and it also kept me stuck in a cycle of hope that perhaps he still cared and wanted to reconcile, only to be hurt and disappointed when he never mentioned it. It all was very taxing on me emotionally, while not appearing to bother him at all.

Why do exes do this to us? If anyone knows the answer, enlighten us all please. Is it selfishness? Immaturity? Deliberate ego-boost attempts ("hey, look how over you I am")? Cluelessness? Callousness?

AKaeTrue · Feb 4, 2007, 10:56 PM

I think you did the right thing by telling him you couldn't chat with him.
He seems like a jerk with no clue...

BIG HUG! :D

valinors_sorrow · Feb 4, 2007, 11:12 PM

To Southern Belle: yes, yes, yes, yes and um yes. Sad how unconcerned some people are about the wreckage in their wake, isn't it? For the rest of us, its why discernment is so very necessary these days -- to protect yourself from these sorts. Go slow in building relationships. Seek information about your love interest from multiple sources -- friends, family, etc. Allow your cautious mind to guide your heart more.

To Origins: <hug> Please never consider self care as "mean", okay? He is an ex = you owe him nothing, nada, zilch.

ms.newbooty · Feb 5, 2007, 01:13 AM

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Don't BE SAD

*infinite huggles*

talaniman · Feb 5, 2007, 08:32 AM

Pat yourself on the back for doing what you had to do to protect yourself. Its not mean to put you and your feelings before his selfish needs, that was a very healthy thing to do. Congrats and hugs!!

origins13 · Feb 10, 2007, 10:04 AM

After few weeks of no contacts, my ex started contacting me again. We broke up few months ago after five years together and he's now seeing someone. Few weeks ago he called me to chat, partly because he's in the midst of figuring out his career and feels stressed out. After few phone calls, I told him I couldn't continue contact with him as I felt very uncomfortable. I asked him if he's still seeing someone now but he never replied. So I figured the answer was yes. Then I told him again to leave me alone. It takes a lot of courage and really hurts to tell him to go away as I still love him so much.

After about a week of no contact, he started emailing me again. I never replied. Few days ago I got an email from him and he sounded very depressed, mainly due to this job. I hesitated for awhile and then replied few lines to cheer him up. A day later I gave him a call as I was worried. But he sounded very cold on the phone.

I don't quite understand why he still contact me. He knows I wanted him to leave me alone as I was quite hurt from the break up. He has a girlfriend now. I just couldn't figure him out. Why does he still contact me? I don't know what to do anymore.

Allheart · Feb 10, 2007, 10:15 AM

Hi Origins,

Geez, you may be thinking you are not in a good place because of the painful situation, but my goodness, I think he is in a worse place. He sounds very confused and lost. But I think it is so unfair of him to drag you into it, knowing that you still have feelings for him. It is a bit selfish of him and so unfair to you and the progress that you have made.

If it feels right to you, I would not be in any contact with him at all. It seems he has a great deal of things he needs to work out and those things he needs to do on his own. Just like you have done and all of the progress that you have made.

I know it's hard and you still love him, that just shows your good heart. But you will not be good to anyone, especially yourself if you allow him to pull you back to an unhealthy place.

Try and get back to the place where you were before he started all this contacting and look forward. If need be, don't look at your email account for several days or longer, just to get the away time that you need.

kaitou · Feb 10, 2007, 10:45 AM

Hi Origin,

First I think you should re-read what you asked previously on this forum:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=1045118

From what you said before, I feel like this guy is doing the same thing over and over again, and why is he doing that? Because you're letting him. He would come to you whenever he's in trouble, give you false hope, and then leave you hanging and hurting again. Deep down you know that it's probably a good idea to stay away from him and move on.

He sounds like a taker to me from how you described him. Is he really worth all these caring from you? Would he listen to you if you're having problems with your life?

My advice to you would be no contact. It's up to you to do it, no one can refrain you from replying to his email, or answering his calls. I know it's hard to move on from a 5 years relationship (although I never experienced one myself), but I honestly think you're better off without him.

I don't know why he's contacting you, but I do know that he broke your heart, and is preventing you from moving on. I know it's hard to stop caring for someone you love so deeply, but you should be selfish for once. Love yourself, take care of yourself, heal yourself first.

Oh, and stop trying to figure out what's going on in his head. That's something you can never figure out, and its preventing you from moving on.

talaniman · Feb 10, 2007, 01:09 PM

If you stop replying to his contact you would give yourself a chance to heal. He would also get the message to leave you alone and go about his business.

CynthiaEnriquez · Feb 10, 2007, 03:13 PM

Originally Posted by origins13

After few weeks of no contacts, my ex started contacting me again. We broke up few months ago after five years together and he's now seeing someone. Few weeks ago he called me to chat, partly because he's in the midst of figuring out his career and feels stressed out. After few phone calls, I told him I couldn't continue contact with him as I felt very uncomfortable. I asked him if he's still seeing someone now but he never replied. So I figured the answer was yes. Then I told him again to leave me alone. It takes a lot of courage and really hurts to tell him to go away as I still love him so much.

After about a week of no contact, he started emailing me again. I never replied. Few days ago I got an email from him and he sounded very depressed, mainly due to this job. I hesitated for awhile and then replied few lines to cheer him up. A day later I gave him a call as I was worried. But he sounded very cold on the phone.

I don't quite understand why he still contact me. He knows I wanted him to leave me alone as I was quite hurt from the break up. He has a gf now. I just couldn't figure him out. Why does he still contact me? I don't know what to do anymore.

I think that he still haves feel. For you.

origins13 · Feb 20, 2007, 03:52 AM

Hi everyone, I have posted previously. It's been almost 4 or 5 months that my ex broke up with me. It was painful but am now feeling better. Have been trying to stay out of contact with him but still kept calling and emailing me. Last week on Valentine's day, he sent me a card with a really long message. He said he was happy tohave me in his life. He said many sweet things which I had been waiting him to say before. But he didn't say whether he still love me or not or suggest of getting back together. I don't even know if he's still with the girl he has been seeing soon after our break up (that's part of the reason why I was very hurt). I'm scared to believe his words. I never replied to his card and have been driving myself nuts. I couldn't stop thinking about him. Please please tell me how to cut him out ofmy life. I don't know what he want from me anymore! :confused:

Dani171986 · Feb 20, 2007, 04:35 AM

Hi

I haven't seen your previous post. Have you actually told him you don't want him to contact you anymore? Only thing I can say is just to be blunt. To tell him that you don't want to have anything to do with him, because your trying to get over him and him contacting you and confusing you is not helping. It is wrong for him to do things like that, giving you false hope, therefore making you hold on to that hope of getting back together for longer, therefore why your still hurting. That's just my opinion; hope it helps.

talaniman · Feb 20, 2007, 05:27 AM

You will have to be more aggressive in your refusal to see or hear from him if totally ignoring him doesn't work.

rol · Feb 20, 2007, 05:35 AM

I would reply a short one or 2 lines.

Thanks for the card, its nice to end things on a good note,
But now I'm moving on so I would prefer that you don't contact me anymore.

valinors_sorrow · Feb 20, 2007, 05:58 AM

I think with just the closing of a door you will find that the healing comes when you finally do shut the door on this relationship and the things that hurt you. His ambiguity is something that would hurt anyone in your shoes. I actually find it quite cruel and want to say how dare he on your behalf! At the very least its crazy making in how he seems to be driving down the middle of the street. There is a time and place to keep personal confusion to yourself and this would definitely be one of them. Ugh.

You have two choices here: End it politely, never telling him that his message is garbled. Or tell him he speak with forked tongue and that he best save his mixed messages for someone who likes that sort of thing since that isn't you. Its very likely to appear in the back of your mind that if you can successfully respond to him, you would get what you had with him back but please don't delude yourself. What you had is not possible to get back. Period. It would be something different now, especially when you now know what a bullspinner he is.

Move forward. Close the door. Let the healing begin. I am sorry for your loss.

chippers · Feb 20, 2007, 06:09 AM

Answering him will only encourage him to continue trying to contact you. I'd keep reply policy. He probably realized how good he had it with you and chances are he is finding himself alone without the other girl. Listen to your gut. You know what's right. You posted he's hurt you in the past, he hasn't said he loves you. You leary about taking a chance with the letch. If he sends you mail. Send it back return to sender. Block his emails. Don';t answer his calls. Let it go to voice mail or block his number. Sooner or later he'll get the messege.