[mechanicaleden]

Hello,

My boyfriend of a little over two months and I recently broke up... I think. He told me that he loves me and that he honestly feels he could spend the rest of his life with me... and that that frightens him a little, since he's only 17, and I'm 15. He said we needed to "put our relationship on pause for a while" while he "soul searches and thinks things over"... he didn't really specificy what things. I know he's not cheating on me or would rather be with another person. We still talk every day, say we love each other, make plans to see each other in the future (he lives about 3 hours away) and he calls me "hon", but he's firm that we are just friends for now. He also has been encouraging me to see other people, though I don't really want to, and know he would feel hurt if I did. He says he doesn't want to see other people, and he doesn't have much interest in dating anyone. So... what is going on?? I'm getting such mixed messages: we're just friends and I should date other people, but he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He has promised to get back together with me "when he works things out in his head", but I don't know if he really will, or how long that will take. When I try to bring up the subject, he avoids it.

So... does anyone have a take on this? I am so confused... thank you for any help.

[artistall]

Your boyfriend is trying to tell you to date others because he is not really sure of his own feelings!  If you are 3 hours apart, most likely he is dating others but doesn't want to hurt you by telling you so, instead he is dodging the issue by urging you to date others in the hope that you will find another.  At your age it is unlikely that you will spend the rest of your lives together.  You both have thousands of other people to meet through your maturing process and subsequent schooling and academic aspirations.  My advice is for you to date others as long as you feel an attraction to do so.  There could be some real happiness waiting for you right around the next curve.  Make sure that whatever you do, finish your education and secure your own future.  A college degree at least will give you the independence you will need to stand on your own.  Good Luck!

[mechanicaleden]

First of all, thank you so much for your advice. It's given me a lot to think about.

I do definitely plan on getting a college degree and becoming independent... my education and my future are my first priorities, before love interests, etc. I just don't feel like I could date anyone else for a long time... because I know it will be very difficult to find someone as good or better than him. I an still in love with him... I don't want anyone else. In the past, it's taken me over a year to get over relationships like this one. It'll be difficult.

I really don't think he is dating anyone else. I'm pretty sure he would have told me, or I would have found out through mutual friends. But, still, what you said makes sense...

I talked to him again last night about how I feel. He knows I love him, and I said that since I feel like it's doubtful we'll be getting back together, I'm going to try to do my best to "get over him" and move on. His immediate response to that was, "No, I don't want you to", but when I asked him what he meant, he refused to explain and said never mind, and that I should do what I want. Reading this out of context, it seems like he's trying to hold on because he likes having me around to massage his ego, but it wasn't like that... almost like he saw us getting back together, or still had strong feelings for me. After this conversation, he got very depressed and "had to go". I haven't talked to him since.

Sigh. I am so, so confused. And it doesn't help that he won't ever explain himself...

[lisakelle13]

I know what you are going through. My ex-boyfriend an I were in the same situation about 2 years ago. He was going to college and I still had one more year of high school. We said that nothing could break us apart and we would see each other all of the time. Turns out that he broke up with me after his first semester of college, after 1 year and 3 months of dating. He said that he still loved me and that there was a possibility we might get back together but he just needed time to think and experience all the changes that were happening. We talked on the phone a lot but just like you, when I brought up the dating/love issues he would avoid them. We continued on like this for a long time. I always thought we were meant for each other and that we would be together because 2 people so perfect for each other had to be. To this very day, when we talk it seems like there is still the possibility... but the truth is that we are still not together after 2 years of being broken up. He is not dating anyone, but he is not dating me either. My advice to you is to not wait. I have been waiting 2 years for him to come back to me, but that is my mistake. I date once in awhile and if a guy I really like would come along, I would definitley be his girlfriend. I don't think that my ex and I will get back together... I mean he has had the chance for 2 years. So that makes me think your story may end up the same.

[opal183]

Hello mechanicaleden. I pulled this same stuff on my boyfriend. I kept saying I needed to soul-search and I just needed my space.. the truth was I was scared of falling more for him.(we'd been together for a year at this time) , either one of us had anything going for us at the time.. I was just a senior in high school, and had no direction at all. He was not going to school at the time or working, but had just enlisted in the navy. So I kept on with the "break" thing, figuring it wouldn't hurt when he left for the navy ( it killed me.. I cryed like every day--but that's a different story) he left at the end of march.. and by mid June ( after basic and he went to his schooling) I decided to tell him something.. that that break was the biggest mistake of my life so far. I didn't want to be with anyone else. I hated knowing that there would be a possibility I could call him and he'd say he had a new girlfriend or that he was interested in talking to me anymore, etc.) lucky for me, he said, he never considered us broken up ( we were together every day before he left, we still said I love you, we still kissed, I wrote him every week while he was at basic. )... and now its September and we are talking about getting engaged. I'm not sure what our future holds, but I wouldn't trade what I have..
Basically by my little story, I'm just telling you to follow your heart, that's all that matters. If you want to to be with him, be persistent. Tell him. But don't wait around forever for him. Go out and have fun, hang out with friends, etc etc. and if he realizes in 2 years he still wants to be with you, fine, as long as you havenot sat and cried over it and been sad and depressed. You can get back together then if you still want to.. you know what I mean?

**whats meant to be will always be**

Good luck

[mechanicaleden]

Thanks so much lisakelle and opal...
Since I posted, it has definitely become clear we're not getting back together. While we are still really close friends, he told me that he was in love with his best friend, who is a girl, for about two years before we met, but nothing ever came of it, so he moved on... and met me. He says he was in love with me (which I'm sure not sure of, since he obviously cares so much more about this other girl)... then we decided to "take a break". During our "break", they started hanging out again... and he fell in love with her again (good call, artistall!). He also decided that after we talked about some really deep, emotional stuff, he didn't really know who I was enough to want to date me. So far, he hasn't had any luck with his friend... but he hasn't tried very hard, either. I don't know if we'll ever get back together. He says he still wants to be close to me as a friend, but doesn't have any "romantic" feelings for me. This whole situation, especially with the other girl, hurt me very deeply... but I continue to be there for him and to be his friend, because we do care about each other... just not THAT way. We talk every day, and we seem to have a very good understanding of each other's feelings. If we ever did date again, it would be years from now, after this girl is out of the picture. As long as she is around, he will not have any interest in having me as a girlfriend, that I am sure of. He is completely in love with her. I also don't want to be the "second best"... the one he settled for, since he couldn't get the ideal. So, in conclusion, friends is best... and I'm not sure I'd want to date him again. At this point, I'm just considering it a summer fling... to me, it's so much more than that, but it's obviously best to move on.