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lovelyme_30 · Jun 16, 2011, 05:14 PM

My Fiancé and I get into a argument.. He runs and tells his best friend.. The best friend takes the information and runs it through town making me look like a bad person. Every where I go someone is telling me something new that the best friend said. I go to my fiancé and express my concerns. We argue, and argue, and argue.. He tells me I'm "sweating" his best friend and to lay off. I cry about it, break up with him about it, etc...

The best friend even laughed when I brought it to his attention and he even would say things like "stop checking his phone" on my fiancé's voice mail for me to hear. I stay away from the best friend and the best friend doesn't come near me. He's not invited to nothing we have. Now the best friend is getting married and so are my fiancé and I. My fiancé wants the best friend to be the best man (? ) as well as the best friend wants my fiancé to be the best man.

I don't agree. I also don't agree in supporting the best friend at his wedding. Only because he didn't have respect for our household. He has been the sole issue in our relationship.

Now 4yrs later, we are still arguing about this best friend. Now that I expressed my concerns (as I have thousands of times) my fiancé finally wants to make it work. I think it's only because he knows I don't want the best man to be in our wedding and vise verse. But my fiancé isn't admitting that is the reason why after 4 yrs and 2 kids later he want it to "work" between me and his best friend.

My question is why now? Do you really care or are you doing this to make you and your best friend happy? What do you think? What would you do? I need help cause I'm considering leaving him. This is way too much!

Fr_Chuck · Jun 16, 2011, 06:33 PM

His best man is his choice, you can give your opinion but he should have the choice of who he wants

BK201 · Jun 16, 2011, 09:55 PM

Think you cannot say no for the choice of his bestman.
But your family matters going out through his fiancee's best friend is not acceptable when you don't like it. And definitely no, when that person is letting it go through the streets.
And I bet you have tried everything you could, but your guy is not listening to you I guess. Is he a person who would listen to his parents at least?

lovelyme_30 · Jun 16, 2011, 10:58 PM

Yes I have tried everything. Every time I come to terms and try to forget about it. I go to a bbq or a party and someone else is telling me something new the best friend have said. Then when every time I bring up his best friend's name and what he have said or done it's a battle between my fiancé and I. He gets so defensive about his friend. I feel like he lets his friend get away with whatever he wants to say or do. My fiancé would listen to his mother respectfully but I'm not sure if he would follow what she says. Which my fiancé and I got into a huge argument about this same friend in front of his mother and she stated that although she have known this best friend for years her son (my fiance) should have not allow his best friend to even have that satisfaction. She also agree that he shouldn't be considered best man but at least invited to the wedding. I was so fed up that I didn't even want him at our wedding. I don't want to tell his mother to go talk to him but kind of hoping she will go and try to talk to him on her own. I think she will be able to at least make him "think". But it have not happened so I'm not going to force it.

BK201 · Jun 17, 2011, 04:32 AM

You have tried everything you can so far. May be you can let it go this time alone, and make sure his best friend does not interfere after marriage.

talaniman · Jun 17, 2011, 12:57 PM

Maybe a different approach to the problem is indicated, since yours didn't work. Instead of running home taking this to your boyfriend, maybe handling things yourself in a passive, yet aggressive way would help.

For example when you hear of his ramblings from others, laugh it off, and openly say "what would you expect from the idiot", or "he always runs his mouth about someone elses business, because he has none of his own". Something to convey how unconcerned you are.

He knows that he can get your goat with his gossip, so treat him as you would any back biting gossiper. You will never change him, but you can change yourself, through your tactics, and reactions. As for the best man bit, its your b/f's choice, but if he cannot control his friend, he gets no choice, and if he won't tell his friend to not ruin your special day, he will pay forever. State your case, simply, and let him handle his own business. That gives you the high road, him the responsibility he should have, and puts his buddy on notice.

I honestly think you allow him to be a wedge issue between you and your boyfriend, because you give him more power than he deserves, and you can minimize his effect on you with the proper attitude. Pity the fool, don't fight about him. You don't seem to know how to kill him with kindness, and make him kiss your feet, so try my idea, and do it with humor, and guile.

Just me, I would have ignored the fool, and what he does completely, and let others listen to his crap, and believe what ever their small minds wanted to. Of course the real problem is your b/f doesn't see this guy as you do. And you wish he had a better friend to talk to. That could take forever, or never.

Jake2008 · Jun 17, 2011, 05:05 PM

Tal has a good point- you are keeping this nonsense going by reacting to it.

The best friend only has to say something- anything- and it goes the gossip rounds and gets back to you, and you react, confront your fiancé, he feels defensive (it is his best friend afterall), and you are repeating, at best, second or third hand information as some sort of 'proof' that the friend is a horrible person.

While he may vey well be a dirty rotten rat fink, that is all he is. He should not be able to manipulate you into seeing him as a threat to a point where you are hoping that your fiance's mother will get involved and cause more grief. You are even considering splitting over this?

There is either more to this story, or you are really overstepping some boundaries here in my opinion. Your husband is allowed to have friends, male and female, and it is not up to you to determine if that is okay, based on whether you like them or not. To argue, threaten (calling off the wedding, getting others involved, etc.) will only have him do what he's doing- further dig in his heels to defend his friend.

I remember my (now) husband didn't like my close relationship with my best friend, who was male. I told him that there would never, ever, be any compromising on who I choose to be friends with. Lucky for him he respected that, and never mentioned any opinions on my friends again.

You might be wise to follow the same behaviour.

Alty · Jun 17, 2011, 05:36 PM

My question is why now? Do you really care or are you doing this to make you and your best friend happy? What do you think? What would you do? I need help cause I'm considering leaving him. This is way too much!

You're considering leaving him because of his friends involvement in 1 day, maybe 2 days, of your lives?

Wow!

Leave him! Find someone that's willing to do whatever you want to make you happy. You can't even stick with this guy and all he's asking for is 1 day of your life. A small concession.

If you can't do that, then you don't love him enough to be with him, and you should leave.