[poilkj]

When I was 18 I moved away from home to go to University. I met a girl within my first week because we lived on the same floor, and we became best friends. It was a really natural progression into a relationship. I hadn't considered that I might be gay before I came to Uni, but it didn't trouble me much. It felt comfortable and exciting and pretty perfect. Everyone always commented on how natural and amazing we were. We were inseparable and everything was perfect. We argued, sure, but doesn't everyone? I know I was in love with her very deeply. After we had been together for a little under a year I found out she had cheated on me, but we worked through it. She apologised and seemed genuinely remorseful and I loved her enough to try and work through it. It was never the same though, and I kind of kept punishing her for it. We were rocky for about another 5 months or so before we broke up, on/off and always arguing and we were both miserable. I basically pushed her away because I always thought she would keep fighting for me. But I made it impossible for her, and I regret it. At the time, I was just so blinded by the fact that she had treated me awfully (she was an angry person too, and could get very difficult and frightening when she was angry at me tbh) that I never appreciated the good points of her. I look back on the relationship and she treated me so well. I can't pinpoint many points where I treated her as good as she treated me when everything was perfect. I feel like I took everything for granted. I was her world and I pushed her away and never gave her a second chance. I mean, I gave her a second chance after she cheated, but I never truly forgave her and she could tell that, which is why we kept arguing. I just never noticed how amazing I had it until I lost her.

Now she refuses to be my friend at all because her new girlfriend doesn't want us to talk, and this has been tearing me up for nearly two years now. I just hate pinpointing moments where she was truly sorry for everything, and was treating me like the most special, worthy person and I didn't even care about her efforts to get me back. Because now I would give my right arm just to get to talk to her and ask how she is, and I could have had all that. I feel so regretful, and I am scared that she was the one. I know that sounds dramatic because she was my first love. But I just can't imagine having all those feelings with someone else. It was so natural and perfect and amazing, how can that ever be recreated? I am terrified that nothing will ever match the happiness I had with her. How do I get over this? We have just graduated, and this year I have seen her sometimes on campus, but she never says hello which kills me. But now we have left, it hurts to know I will never see her again (we live nowhere near each other and have no mutual friends).

How do I deal with this? It still cuts me up and I just feel awful so much. I am social, and I have great friends. But I just can't picture myself with anyone else and I could never get in contact with her cause she wouldn't be interested. I just hate myself and have no idea how to get over this. Any advice?

[amicon]

Therapy?

You might need to work this through with a counsellor as there seems to be underlying issues of low self esteem that you should look at.

The ex is gone and in order for you to move on you must realise that it's very much over-no talking,were it possible is going to change anything.

[talaniman]

You need to let go of the past and look forward to the future, and let new experiences into your life.

Here's how. Read the stickies, and get some suggestions as to how others have moved on to a better life.

[jessi72]

There is an exercise that I used to do when I was in the exact position as you. Not being able to get over someone: sit with your legs crossed in the meditating position, somewhere quiet. Now think about her, the way she looks, how she laughs the way she talked to you, how happy you were. Let all of these thoughts cover you, acknowledge them in all their beauty. Say to yourself: I love this woman, I cannot deny it. However hard I will try to deny it, I won't be able to. It is also possible I will always love this woman and no other will measure up, but I lost her and it's irreversible. I will never be with this woman again. If I truly love her I will let her leave my thoughts, she can have my heart, but my thoughts will be free of her.
We all know here there is no answer to your predicament and it hurts to constantly think about someone that is slowly becoming fiction, meanwhile she is living her life in another place and time. Still, I am positive, it is all in your mind. Once you rationally free your mind of her and concentrate on other things, you'll escape the obsession.
Best wishes