[Lyra123]

I have been dating this guy for about 1.5 years. I truly love him. We are supposed to get married next summer, but I'm now not so sure on what to do. Over time he became abusive. He would do everything except actually hit me (push, pinch, twist my arm, etc, leaving bruises). He has recently stopped physical abuse but is still controlling though he promised to stop. I tried to break up with him yesterday but he followed me to a friend's house begging and pleading me to stay with him claiming that I am only his no one else can have me, that I have no choice I have to be with him, and how he will find and follow me through the rest of my life if I don't take him back. I ended up taking him back but I am regretting it. I am afraid of what he might do to me and himself if I stop contact.

Additional details, I live with his sister and her wife. They do not approve of his treatment of me and encourage me to stay away from him but ask me not to go through legal channels to solve this.

[talaniman]

They are only partially right. Get away from him, stay away, and call the cops if he can't take LEAVE ME ALONE for an answer. Why the heck would you take this fool back in the first place? But what's done is done and whatever it takes for you to leave him safely, do it!

That includes getting away from his family. DISAPPEAR!!

[liongal]

Agree with Talaniman...

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE...

[Alty]

He hurts you, he won't let you leave, he controls you. He is abusive, physically and mentally, and it will only get worse. He won't stop, he can't. You're the one that has the power to stop this, by leaving.

Don't become a statistic. If he won't let you leave, make him leave. That's what the police are for. Get a restraining order, move, don't let him find you. He has no right to demand that you stay with him. You're in control of your life, not him.

Good luck.

[amicon]

Please take control of your life and get him out of your life-call the police-it doesn't matter what his family says-it's your life.

Save it.

[BK201]

The guy is emotional to both extremes. It is dangerous, if you ask him to get lost and still stay there. Really dangerous because in that emotional turmoil he may do anything to him and to you even. Do not feel pity, I repeat, please do not feel pity or guilty at all. It is not your fault, and you can't waste your life. I bet you are clear on what will happen if you going to take him back, but its just your good side that's not letting you say no when he is begging. Don't worry about what he would do to himself if you stop contacts, he will live on. Time to worry about yourself. Move far away, no traces.

[Lyra123]

I told him it was done, permanently. It hurts me so much but I know it's for the best. I don't want to end up like my mother, who was abused by my father, or like his mother, abused by his father.

Thank you all for the support.

[J_9]

I don't want to end up like my mother, who was abused by my father, or like his mother, abused by his father.

Good for you! It's time to break the circle of abuse!

[amicon]

Take good care of yourself and be around people who care for you.

[Lyra123]

Follow up:

I figured this is where I should post this question as it pertains to him and our break up. He has begun to use other people's phones to message me and telling me of his recent suicide attempts and his sadness over the death of his great grandmother. I know for a fact he doesn't even remember her. I shouldn't have responded but I did. I called him out on this and he admitted that he was only trying to kill himself over me. I talked to his family and they said he really did not attempt suicide and he was trying that as a tactic to get me back. I am ignoring him at the moment .

But I can't help thinking, "what if he does end up killing himself? It will be my fault."

Please to all of you, will you help me stay strong enough to ignore him and stay away?

What do I do if he really does commit suicide? Will it be my fault since I broke his heart this badly?

[amicon]

Stay strong and don't fall for this pathetic kind of emotional blackmail.

A person who threatens suicide to get someone to get back with them is a cowardly jerk.

Change your mobile phone number.

[Lyra123]

Amicon, Thank you. I can't afford to change my number right now though, medical bills have the most of my money at the moment. But within the next month or so I plan to change to one of those walmart phones. So I guess that counts as changing my number doesn't it? Thank you for the advice.

[Just Looking]

I went through a similar experience so I know how you feel. Two years ago, my ex hounded me for weeks after we broke up and did eventually make an attempt on his life.

Don't let him force you into a relationship you don't want. You have good reasons to not be with him. He will have to work this out for himself. He is trying to manipulate you. I would cut off contact completely.

If you haven't already done so, read all the stickies in this forum about No Contact (no calls, texts, emails, visits, etc.) and then stick to it. Every time you give in and talk to him, you just encourage further attempts on his part at communication. If he does follow through with his threats of suicide, it is not your fault. He is an adult and he is responsible for his actions. I did call his parents and best friend to let them know he needed help, but I stayed out of it beyond that. I don't even think you need to do this as his sister is already aware he has problems.

Tell your friends and family what you are doing. If you feel threatened in any way, contact one of them. It is better to be safe than sorry. If you feel threatened that he might harm you, talk to the police and everyone in your daily life – friends, family, and co-workers. There are many ways you can protect yourself. Don't take this lightly. My ex “lost it” and ended up seriously hurting me. Don't let that happen to you. You deserve so much more in life.

[Wondergirl]

What do I do if he really does commit suicide? Will it be my fault since I broke his heart this badly?

He won't commit suicide. He thinks too well of himself to do that.

You didn't break his heart. There's no room for you in his heart because his heart is full of himself.

[Lyra123]

Just Looking,
Thank you. I have read the stickies and I'm trying my best.
I'm so sorry that that happened to you. And you are right, I do not deserve this. No one does. I used to believe I deserved it and make excuses. I did the same thing for my father when he was abusive.

I have talked to my family about him, the family I am able to (the men in my family believe abuse is normal for a man with the exception of one male cousin) and what friends I have.

I guess what is really getting me is that I promised to him I'd always be there when he needed me, and he is claiming to need me now. I always take my promises very seriously and this is bothering me greatly.


Thank you for the advice Just Looking. It is very good advice and I'll be sure to stick by it


Wondergirl,
Very good point. He is very selfish and I knew that but I never looked at quite that way. Thank you

[Just Looking]

You sound like a very honorable person, but I bet you also made that promise when he was treating you decently. My ex hid his true self from me for many months. There was a time when I thought I would have done anything to be with him, but as I found out who he really was I could no longer accept being with him.

He doesn't need or deserve you. He's an adult and it's time he acted like one. You don't have to be there for him, especially when your safety is in question. He is the one who is responsible to do what he needs to do. Chances are he doesn't want to change. I doubt very much he will change if you stay in the picture. If it helps make you feel better, maybe you can realize you are doing him a favor by leaving. If he's really serious, it may cause him to look at himself and make some necessary changes. However, don't make that your issue. Be concerned about yourself, your happiness, and your safety. I'm now happier than I have ever been. That's because I made the changes in my life that led to a better life.

[Wondergirl]

I just finished reading Boundaries by Psychologist Henry Cloud. It's time you set some, Lyra. Doing that will help you heal from your poor treatment by that heel. ;)

[Lyra123]

Just Looking,
Once again you are right. In the beginning he was so... now I see it as fake but at the time I thought it was perfection. Then he started showing his true colors by making rules for me (who I could talk to, what I could wear, when I could go out, etc). Before the change, he asked me to be there for him always when he needed me and to promise that I would. I did then, and I guess since the promise was made to a person while they were lying with their actions (pretending to be someone they are not) the promise could be seen as null and void.

I do hope that he changes, not for me, for himself so that maybe he can have a healthy relationship with someone else down the road and maybe lead a happier and better life.

[Lyra123]

Wondergirl,

You are right. You know you and Just Looking make quite a good team. I do need to set boundaries. Could you suggest where to start?

[talaniman]

Love yourself enough to protect yourself, against anyone and anything that threatens your well being and happiness.

Doesn't matter who, what, or how, the only thing that matters is what you do about it. Put yourself first, and don't cross the line.