[obuddy]

My friend, let's call her *Miranda, keeps going back to a mentally-emotionally abusive relationship. She is my best friend, I've known her for 4 years, she's lived one of the toughest lives known to man; her mother died at a young age, she (and I... it was the same group of people, and the same time) have been the victim(s) of a minor sexual assault case in 7th grade awhile back, she's messed with hardcore drugs, and she cuts herself (self-harm). She met *Axel this year, and 'fell in love'. It wasn't anything serious, I told myself. Miranda goes through boys like candy... well, she did.
Miranda and Axel were together for 9 months, and he was perfect at first. At first.
He started urging her to 'be more sexy', 'cut herself', and 'smoke a little more dope'.
He suffocated her from all her friends, including me.
He flirted with his ex's and threatened to leave her if she didn't do what he wanted.
He'd make her cry for the fun of it, and laugh about it with he friends.
He did horrible stuff.
He seemed caring at first, but I think we all learned the hard way that that was his way of being over-controlling and protective.
He even ruined Miranda and I's friendship by, when he knew she was within ear-shot, telling me he loved me, Miranda thought he was cheating on her with me, her best-friend.
Her step-mother found out (we're all seventeen), and made them break-up 'for good'.
Miranda was sent to a rehabilitation center on weekends for her drugs&self-harm issues.
When the word got out of how Axel really treated her, he got harassed as people felt sorry for Miranda and defended her.
Axel lost most of his 'friends' because of what everyone found out.
When Miranda returned to school, she 'was just friends' with Axel. She seemed to completely forgive Axel for everything he had done to her. Everything.
Within that very day, they went from 'just friends' back to 'full-on going out'.
Without the approval of her step-mother.
I am truly terrified for Miranda, though she still hasn't forgiven me for what Axel had staged, that hasn't stopped my caring for her.
What if this 'mad, romantic love' kills her?
I couldn't live with another death, suicide or not.
I know, there isn't much I can do... but, any suggestions?
Something needs to be done.
Why doesn't she understand what he's doing?
How can I help it before it's too late?

[joypulv]

All you can do is be a 24/7 helpline for her, IF and WHEN she is so far down that she contacts you. True, she may leave town, she may die, she may end up in an ER half alive. There is nothing you can do to stop it. And you have yourself preservation to think about, so can't get dragged down by this, no matter how much you care.
Give her a little business card with a heart on it and
- round the clock shoulder to cry on
- couch to sleep on
- friend to talk to
Something cute and light but very very serious. She just needs to know that you LOVE her.

[talaniman]

You can love, and support her, but keep The number of a woman's shelter handy and the police, but until she has had enough, not much else you can do.

[answerme_tender]

Joypulv I had to spread the rep, but wanted say how kind your post was. The business card idea is fantastic!!

[mystific]

When you go off on such a self destructive path, there's a significant cause. I was very much like her, I went crazy and my friends and family were culled from my life. My reason, I'd been raped when I was 13 kept it to myself till I was 15 and then met my first boyfriend who sounds exactly like what 'Axel' is like. Manipulative, conniving, controlling and deceitful.

It's like you want to block out everything that's happened and the pain is controlled through self inflicted pain. Even though you know its wrong and you feel like your life is falling apart, it doesn't seem to hurt so much. The drugs numbs it all and the way he treats her, it's a 'roll with the punches' deal. He can't hurt me any more than I'm hurting.

Does she get along with her stepmother? Did she not long ago have an anniversary of her mothers passing? Did she receive counselling for the sexual assault or able to talk to someone about her mother?

She will eventually see what's happening, I hope. Whatever happens never turn your back on her. When she needs you.. she will call. I am eternally grateful to my Mum and friends, they never stopped caring. When I needed them.. they were there. So similar, it is a haunting feeling.

[obuddy]

mystific- I believe she is self-harming for attention. I know it sounds horrible, but she is one of those people that respects all of the attention she gets from others. She's one that thrives on it.
Or, maybe she's just doing it because he told her to. She'd do anything to keep him.
She has a very good relationship with her step-mother, that being said, she still misses her real mother very much, but that is understandable. We both undertook help for the sexual assault.
Thank you very much for all of the answers. I'll use them all, I suppose.
I don't think many understand my situation.
I can't just stand around and watch while she comes closer to her own death.
I don't believe anyone of us could do that for someone we loved.
You know how guilty and horrible I'd feel if she did actually get even more hurt than she already is?
I couldn't handle that. The feeling of knowing that I watched my last person in my life walk out and suffer. I know it sounds corny, but, she's all I have left. My best-friend. That's it.
I, in a way, brought them into this deadly relationship, and maybe, I'm the only one that help bring them out.
Thank you for all of the answers. I appreciate it.

[mystific]

It is unfortunate if she is doing it for attention or for his benefit. Even still I personally believe there would be an underlying motive for it.

I understand the need to not see her self destruct any further. The problem I see you having is that if she is so reliant on him and not willing to see 'reality' you may find that you will push her away even more.

Tread carefully. Sometimes we don't want to see the truth or reality of what we're doing and being 'told' so just tends to dig the toes in even further and become more stubborn about facing up to the reality.

Test the waters first before jumping in all guns blazing with how its affecting you. If you think she's open to hearing about how its making you feel, your guilt, your sadness, your worries and concerns then do it. But in stages.. don't bombard her with all your emotions. Listen to her. Prod her for information in small doses. Reflect on good times, highlight positives and talk about the future.

Good luck.