[mindache]

Ok I have read other posts about ex's and trying to forget. I am having a problem with this. It is not daily it seems to pop up 3 times a year where I think about him. I dated him for 4 years when I was 16 to 20. At first it was great then he was verbally abusive and it seemed like I was always running after his love. He did get physical a couple of times but nothing to serious. He cheated on me all the time and only admitted to a couple of times. I had people tell me left and right he was an *** but I did not listen.

I lost my step mom and called him for support while we were together and he said "what do you want me to do about it". He was so mean. Then he show's up at the funeral and wants to be sweet and kind. He always messed with my mind. Always. I was always unsure about myself with him. Then I got pregnant, I was in the middle of graduation and moving around do to family problems. I really had no one to turn to. I call him and asked him to meet me so we could discuss something and he did not want to. So I had to tell him on the phone. Again, "what do you want from me." I was so alone and sad. I had to make a horrible decision and have an abortion. I was so torn, but I had nothing and no one to help and I was so scared. He told me I would be on my own If I had the baby. He did not even take off work to take me to the appt. I had to have my friends boyfriend take me. He did pick me up and because he was afraid of his parents finding out he took me to his small boat on a lake to recover for a couple of hours. I cried and cried for days.

He went to college and it was the worst. He was a pig and slept around. I took that for 1 year and was done. I finally got up the courage to tell him we were done. I was so upset and it seemed like he felt relived he was done with me. He asked if we could be friends and I explained that it would be hard for me to do that and I left. I cried for weeks. He tried calling like he always did when he was alone and needed an ego boost. I asked him to not call because I needed to get over him.

A month later I called him to say hello and he was so mean. He said, you said you did not want to be friends so that is what you get.

So I moved on and met the man of my dreams. He is everything I have ever wanted and I have it all. 3 beautiful kids a husband that worships me. He supports my every dream and I am probably the luckiest woman in the world for real. My problem is I am still so hurt by the scars that my ex left on me. I hate him for not supporting me and making me give up my baby. I know it was my decision to but I blame him for being so mean about it and making me feel like there was no other way out. He knew my family situation and he used it to his advantage.

I found out he married the girl he cheated on me with and has 2 kids. That kills me! I am so pissed he has kids. I know I should not care and get over it but he was so ugly and abusive to me I can't let it go.
I know I owe my husband everything for being so good to me, he understood that when he met me he was in for it because what my ex did to me. He had to deal with my doubt about him and all that came with it. He still loved every inch of me and I do him. He is my rock and I want to forgive and forget so I don't have to have these mean thoughts.

Any advice or anyone out there tell me what you think.

[Wondergirl]

You do know that you have to find a way to forgive -- not to say what he did to you was okay, but so you can move forward and not keep spinning your wheels. And you are spinning them!

And you never forget -- not to hold it over his head, but for you to know the characteristics and behaviors that will cause harm to you, as a self-defense measure.

Forgive for your own sake, and not for his. Now, how can you get to that place?

[amicon]

I think you need to work on forgiving yourself for allowing this jerk to treat you this way,whilst working on allowing yourself to actually be happy.

Have you considered therapy?

Forgiving,whilst not forgetting that what he did was abominable would be a healthy option.

[Just Looking]

I can relate to a lot of what you have written. I was in a relationship two years ago that turned violent after the break-up. I don't forgive him for his arrogance in thinking he had the right to try to control my actions, or for the serious damage he did to me. Just like you, I went on to recently marry my wonderful husband. I do think sometimes of the ex, especially when reading questions from other women about abusive situations. I can tell you that a major thing that helped me was counseling. I have a counselor whom I trust very much, one whom I had sought for grief counseling when my parents died and whom I saw extensively after getting out of the hospital and through my recovery period from the physical abuse. I think you could benefit from counseling, both for the loss you feel from the abortion and to help you put your ex's behavior and your lingering feelings into perspective. It may be tougher for you because it happened over a longer period than I suffered, but at the same time you are now happily married and have children. That will help you in acceptance – mainly of yourself.

You did a lot of right things. You got out of the relationship. You didn't go back to it or become involved in another abusive relationship. You married a good man, have a good marriage, and have three beautiful children. You are a strong woman. When I do think about what happened, those are the thoughts that go through my head – the right things I did. I have forgiven myself and accepted that I was in a bad situation but that I worked hard to get to where I am now.

While reading this forum's questions, I am reminded of that bad time. I feel I am reacting in a constructive manner when I answer questions from women who have been abused or fear future abuse. I also volunteer with high school and college aged women who are at risk or already suffering. I'm sure you are quite busy with 3 children, but you might think about answering questions on this board from women who could use your help. At least for me, it helps me make some sense of what happened if I can use my experience to help others.

[talaniman]

Look at the good things that life has brought you since then, and let gratitude be your attitude, and forgive him for being a boob, and forgive yourself for falling for a boob.

You don't sound like you are dwelling on the past if he only haunts you 3 times a year, probably only when guilt, stress, or dark feelings move into your life. I think we all have those regrets from time to time.

You plod through it by looking at what you have done for yourself since then, because all learning experiences aren't exactly happy memories. But they made us better. I think you pat yourself on the back for learning what's good, and what's bad, and not keep repeating the same mistakes over and over, hoping for different results. That would be insanity.

When you can see your past mistakes through the context of the learning from them, you will see you have come a long way, and done much better and it's a wise person who learns from their past mistakes and moves beyond them. As you have.

Trust me some of us have many past mistakes that haunt us, but we keep moving forward, and learn to do better. Forgive yourself, and let the anger go, and forgive him, because it ain't easy being a zip darn fool. Just never FORGET, you were a zip darn fool once too! Then maybe you can pray for the idiot that hurt you, and forgive him, but we should never forget the lessons of the past, just do better and you have.

Be grateful you learned your lesson, and did better for yourself.maybe someday, he will too! Now go appreciate what you have NOW!